BeginAgain
Three months ago today I sat down to write a letter to the OW. Like many others, I felt compelled to try and get her to see the damage she had caused. I intended on sending it to her the next day, the one month anniversary of D-day. That was also the day I found and joined this forum. Founding this forum has truly been a godsend. It gave my husband and me direction and purpose, the necessary tools to work on our marriage. Though our progress is slow and not without setbacks, coming here and reading the advice always instills a new sense of purpose. Today I read what I had written three months ago, and today I want to send it out into the universe. If nothing else, it will be cathartic, as my husband and I ultimately decided together that I shouldn't send it to her.

"Today marks a month since I discovered what had been going on behind my back and my whole life and what I believed about it came crashing down. While I have no interest in discussing anything with you, you will hear what I have to say.

I don't expect you to respect my marriage or me as a human being; clearly that is beyond your capacity to do. You have proven that your only interest is in getting what you want, when you want it, regardless of those you harm in the process. But I want you to know that my husband and I will survive the destruction you have wrought. We will survive you and come out stronger on the other side. Why? Well, I do not expect you to understand the bonds forged over the course of 20 years together. What my husband and I have is so much stronger than your brief interludes. If you think those brief moments gave you a glimpse into our lives or marriage, you are sorely mistaken. You have no clue.

In a way I have some small measure of gratitude towards you, because the disgust my husband felt after f***ing you and betraying me, drove him straight back into my arms. It gave me back the husband I have always wanted. The one who is always touching me just for the sake of being close; the one who treats me with a kindness and tenderness I had been sorely missing. See, you don't know as much as you think you do. You have no idea. Not really. I know what it is to long for a touch or a kind word. I know what it's like to need a closeness that just isn't there. And while I will not pretend to understand your motivation for targeting my family, your interference in our lives gave me back everything I so desperately needed.

I have some advice for you. Take it or leave it, it makes no difference to me. Fix your f***ing life. This thing you do where you walk into other people's lives and wreak havoc - it will never change anything for you. Judging by your modus operandi, this is not the first time you have done this, and I doubt whether it will be your last. If you are not happy with your life, change it. If you want to salvage your relationship, take the necessary steps to do so. If you no longer want to be married, get a divorce, but for God's sake, stop dragging others down into your toxic cesspool. Every marriage goes through highs and lows, but people like you destroy whatever potential is left with no real regard for the fact that your actions affect more than just yourself. It affects your spouse and children and certainly leaves its mark on the families you destroy in your wake.

I want you to know that, in time, the scars you have left on my family will heal. In time you will be nothing more than a distant memory. Your name is not spoken in our home, nor will it ever be. You are the b!tch, the sl*t, the wh*re, the c***. You are the destroyer and the poison. You will never be more than that. Your deeds, however, have been the catalyst that has transformed our marriage.

My husband and I now enjoy an intimacy we haven't experienced in years and day by day our foundation for the future grows stronger. Like all couples, it is far from perfect, but we now have an open dialogue and genuine desire to provide for each other's needs. We can only grow stronger from here. I pity you for living a life that is devoid of that kind of devotion, despite your efforts to take it from me. Despite that pity, I take great pleasure in the pain you have suffered. It is your just reward for attempting to destroy my family instead of doing the work needed to sort out your own sh!t. It is what you deserve for the pain you have brought into my life."

In hindsight I now understand why this kind of 'closure' is discouraged. Though it was all true from my perspective, I gave her a whole lot of information about my marriage that she didn't deserve. I'm so glad I didn't send it.
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MC
BeginAgain, thank you for sharing this. 

My wife and I are in similar territory as you and your husband.  Sure we have setbacks, but we are stronger now than we were before her affair.  And there is a low-life piece of sh*t jack@ss who served as the catalyst for our change.  I wish I had written a letter like this for cathartic purpose.  I did keep a journal and it really helped me to unleash anger in a productive and private way.

I have said it before, at the end of the day the most powerful response that a marriage can have towards the AP is apathy from the BS and rejection from the WS.

I don't want him knowing that he shattered my world as I knew it nor do I want to point out that the havoc that he brought transformed my marriage into something stronger than before.

 
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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BeginAgain
Thank you MC. This experience has been very transformative. For the past four months, my husband has not been the same. We have not been the same. When I wrote that letter and even when I posted it a couple of days ago, there were so many things I didn't know. Eventhough I had hope for us, I still felt the pain so deeply - the thought that my husband had chosen someone else over me to the point where he shared the most intimate part of him with her. The part that should have been mine alone. It felt like a knife to the heart everytime I imagined him with her. I imagined him so focused on her that he didn't care about me or us. I imagined her as equally invested and in love and utterly shocked at the change in him after they had sex.

Now I know better. I know what really happened. I know how she blackmailed and threatened him to get what she wanted. I know she wasn't blindsided. I know he wasn't in love. If I had known then what I know now, I would have presented the evidence to have her arrested for her crimes when we were at the police station on D-Day. But I didn't know it existed. I thought it was an affair turned sour. It killed me when the police officer referred to her as his 'girlfriend'. She was never his girlfriend. She was his harasser, his blackmailer and his rapist, but never his girlfriend.
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Dirazz
I think that’s why I had to know every detail. What I was imagining was so much worse than the actual reality. Not for everyone I understand, but for me and how my mind is I had to know. 
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AnywhereButHere
Writing the letter is good. And not sending it is also good. Mine has gone through several revisions over the months of thinking and reflecting. If I never establish contact with the man, well and good. If I ever do happen to come into contact with him, the letter is ready to go.

Actually, my wife has told him that contact now ceases. I've told my wife that if he contacts her again, then I'm taking the relationship out of her hands and I will be getting in touch.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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AnywhereButHere
Writing the letter is good. And not sending it is also good. Mine has gone through several revisions over the months of thinking and reflecting. If I never establish contact with the man, well and good. If I ever do happen to come into contact with him, the letter is ready to go.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Sadie
At the beginning, I wrote no less than a dozen letters to her.   I am glad I never sent them.  I will be damned if I ever give her the power of knowing how her actions affected me.  She doesn’t get to be a part of my recovery, nor is she allowed to know anything more about my marriage.     I pray that I have the strength to just walk away from her without even saying a word, if she is ever dumb enough to approach me.
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