Marlin44
Well lets see if I can get started it's a long story so I will just try to get to the point. Five months today is when bomb feel out of the sky and hit me harder than I have ever been hit by anything in my life. Lets just call her Sue. Sue and I have been together for about 30 years and we were always very happy together I thought. We meet many years ago and went together for years and she moved out of her mothers home into my home. Sue is much younger than I am by 12 years but we said what the heck it's only a number and we were in Love with each other very much. After living together for sometime we decided to buy a house so we started looking and found what we wanted and moved. We have now been in our home for more that 24 years and it has been a happy home until last Sept. the 17. You see you want find to many couples that got along like we did we never fought about anything if we did it was very small and lasted maybe 2 to 3 minutes and it was over and done with. We have always been very much in love with each other so I thought and then I started to notice a change in Sue about 4 years ago, She has always drank and I did my self until I had health problems. When I say we both drank I mean one or two little drinks before dinner and maybe a little more on a weekend at a party or something but never anything unreasonable. We could not afford to get out of the way as we both had good jobs with the City here were we live. I was a Detective with the Police Dept. and she was the City Finance Director and a CPA. Like I said I was older and I had worked in Police work for 31 years and I decided to retire and Sue needed to keep working for a few more years and she still does at this time and there has never been a problem with it. I do some part time work from time to time and I do everything around the house. I cook, wash, clean take care of all the repairs around the house and all the yard work all Sue has to do is get up go to work come home and sit down I take care of her. Don't get me wrong she has a very stressful job and I appreciate everything she does and I tell her so all the time. Now lets go back when the problems started around 4 years ago. I noticed Sue started to drink at nights more and more and I thought it was kind of getting out of hand so I talked to her about it and asked if something was wrong and she said no. Well it got worst and worst until It got to the point I could not put up with it and a I put my foot down and told her this had to stop, well it did not stop and we started having problems with it. We have a garage made into a living area were we hang out most of the time we cook there and eat there most of the time. After dinner most of the time we would go inside and sit around watching TV or a movie are something. Well Sue started staying in the garage drinking from the time she got home until time to go to bed. It got to the point were we started having nothing to do with each other. I stayed in the house in my chair and she stayed in the garage. I tried to talk to her but nothing I said or done seemed to help. I would do everything I could to try and help her but she refused to let me help are take any of my advice. It got to the point were there was no sex, no love and no affection shown to me at all, we even started sleeping in other rooms. It just got to the point we were living in the same house eating together saying good morning and good by to each other. I tried to think what in the heck was going on her so I just blamed on her drinking and hope she would soon see the light that is was not helping her and not helping us at all, but nothing ever changed.On Sept. the 17th,2015 which was a Sunday I got up and fixed her a nice breakfast  like I did every Sunday morning. After we would eat she would say I am going to CVS to get a few things and this was about every Sunday morning but I never thought anything about it. Well on Thur. afternoon of that same week she came home and said I need to tell you something, and said that she had been suspended from work.Well I was shocked I mean she has 30 years there and is a very fine worker so what in the heck has she been suspended for. So I ask and she tell me that her and a co worked had been wasting to much time in the office together. Well I did not just come down in the rain so I said that sounds like  a lot of Bull to me and lets tell the truth and that's when she said I may as well tell you because you will find out anyway,I have been having an affair with _________.I just about feel over and I said you mean like a sexual affair and she said yes. I then asked how long this had been going on and she said a couple of years. I just could not understand what  she was tell me, I have never been so shocked and hurt in my life.Things got out of hand and there was a lot of anger so I just left the house. I came back a few hours later after I had cooled down some and tried to talk to her but she would not talk about it. I went up town and learned from a friend that also works in the same building that they had been caught having sex in his office in the city building and this had been going on for sometime. So every Sunday morning when she would leave me at home and say she was going to CVS this is were she was going.WOW this is just unreal and I don't know which way to turn. After a few days went by we were able to talk a little about it but she did not give me very much to go on other than she was sorry and she did not want us to spilt up. Well I am not for this at the time so I left for a few days and she called and ask me to come back home. I  went back home and things were not  good at all around there for about two months. I mean I was upset and anger as hell. I just could not help it, I was so darn hurt and upset that I just kicked up a fuss and said a lot of things I did not mean, I even kicked a chair and broke my toe.Sue started to get real upset and said she could not live with this everyday and I admit I was  out of control like I had never been before in my entire life, I had been hurt so bad and had given everything I could and loved her to death. When you love someone and think they feel the same way and you find out the don't it is just unreal. Anyway I decided I would try to make it work and I started do all I could to help her and to help myself but it's like nothing I do matters. She has said she was sorry and that is about it. She has never showed any true remorse and she has done very little to help me heal. I am still trying everyday but something is still very wrong here. She will not go with me to get any help for us and says she does not need any help. I mean you cheat on someone you say you love for years and want to stay together but does nothing to make it right. Why am I trying to fix something I did not break. We got to the point a few weeks after the news and  we went to bed together but it was so hard for me that two out of three attempts failed. About 3 weeks went by and we tried again and it was some better for me but it was like she was there and that was about it. It has now been over three months and she has not had one thing to do with me period. I try  but there is just no interest on her part and it is getting very old. Not one thing has changed she keeps on doing the same old mess. I mean we go to see her mom we go to the store, to the mall and that's about it. Anything we do has to be done in the day time we do nothing at night together. She goes to work comes home I fix supper and she starts to drink and drinks until she is about wasted. I go to bed by myself and she passes out on the couch. She will get up all ours of the night and comes to bed sometime .I don't know if its guilt she has are what in the heck is the problem. I have done all I could do for the past 12 days and not one thing has changed. I don't know which way to go anymore and I am about to the end of my rope. Another thing her sister is Dr. in another town that treats people that drink to much and has a drug problems everyday but I have never told her. I was told if I ever said anything to her it would be over, well it looks like it's about over anyway. If anyone can help I sure could use it and Thanks for taking the time to read all my problems. I am a very good person and would never do anything to hurt anyone but I have been hurt  and broken down so bad I just don't know were to go are what to do.Now that I go back and look I see that when her drinking started to get worst is when the affair started are was going on. Now that i'st over it has even got worst. I am at a total lost now.Don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Like I said I am the only one trying to fix something I did not break.
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Rambler
Marlin my situation is similar.  My wife has had multiple affairs for the last 2 years.  We are now 6 months past the day she confessed to me (after denying it many times prior).  She says she wants to stay together but has done nearly nothing to make it right, and shows very little remorse.  She has said sorry perhaps 2 times in 6 months.  I'm sorry I can't offer a good answer to you.  One thing that seemed to work a little for me was giving her a 'letting go' letter, as described in this article: 
http://www.affairhealing.com/winning-back-your-wayward-spouse.html

This seemed to get her to lean into the repair a bit, but it was unfortunately short lived.
I hope you will find some good advice on this forum, as I have, and at least take some comfort in knowing you are not alone.  I am going through the exact same thing as a husband with a wayward wife.  Even the drinking part for her was an issue.  My wife has never worked, though, and I have looked after her and provided a worry-free life for her for over 10 years. I also have young kids. That makes it even more painful to think about how selfish her actions were, and continue to be.

The general theme of what I've read here and elsewhere is you have to detach yourself from what you think "should" be happening, and what she "should" be doing to show remorse, reconcile, or take accountability. These expectations will only serve to disappoint you if and/or when they do not occur.  Also, trying to persuade her what is 'the right thing' will serve no purpose other than driving her further away.  All of the success stories I've read begin with the cheating spouse coming to their own conclusion and making their own decision to do everything necessary to rebuild.  I'm really struggling with this myself right now, just standing by hoping that she will 'see the light', and meanwhile just trying to focus on things that will help me individually in a positive way (sleep, good eating, exercise, personal development, etc.).

It's the toughest thing I've ever done.  you are not alone




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Marlin44
Yes Rambler it is the worst thing I think could ever happen to a couple and I am sorry you are in the same boat. I  wish I could help you but I can't even help myself . I do however think what you have said is correct and to take care of your self is the best thing we can do, but it is just so hard to get anything done. Like I said I am working my butt off and it's like no one cares and I did not break it so why should I do all the work by myself. I just can not understand them for the life of me. How they can do something like this in the first place. I don't know about you but I loved her with all my heart.  I gave and did all I could for her, thinking all the time everything was fine. I mean she acted like she loved me to death but to find out she was lying and cheating on me for years is just unreal. I just feel like such a fool for putting all that trust in someone. I think you very much for your response and I wish you the very best. I think as far as my part I will just stop trying to do so much for her. It seems nothing I do helps it's like she just does not care what happens. You are so correct it is so selfish of someone to treat someone they are suppose to love so darn much and then do nothing to try and make things right. I just don't know how they could have lived with them selves. I mean when someone gets up from the breakfast table tells you they are going to the store but goes to a office to have sex with another man &  brings your lunch home to you like nothing has happen something is really wrong with them and they have a BIG problem . I want to thank you for your thoughts and help and I wish you the very best.
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Marlin44
Can her affair just stop. Its been over 5 1/2 Mo's now and I don't see a lot of improvement. I am moving along but am a long way out still. I don't have the anger I first had and I am trying my very best to help but  it's like I am not getting much in return. We have not been intimate in 4 mo's now and I just don't get it she has nothing to do with me other than conversation and maybe go to the mall together, eat together and watch TV together and that's about all we do. We are back in the same bed but sleep is all we do and I get very little of that. When she was in her affair sex was a big part of it she could not wait to get to her AP.Now she wants to work things out but puts very little effort in it and the sex has been totally out of the question.When I have asked her about this the only thing she has said was I had said some very hurtful things to her when I was in so much anger and I may have but I was so upset and don't remember what I said. It is the worst pain in the world to find out someone you have lived with for almost 30 year has been cheating on you for the past 2 to 3 years. I guess my question is can the affair just stop all at once. She says the affair stopped the day they were caught having sex in the APs office but they still work around each other and go to meetings around each other but it is  nothing but business now I just don't know what to think anymore it seems like things are still very much the same and I see very little change in her.
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Anna26
Marlin44.

Your wife sounds so much like my husband.  He won't go to counselling, says he doesn't need it either.  He prefers to work things out on his own. 
He isn't much of a talker.  I've never really got to the truth about everything, just got the basics, he said sorry, but it was more like 'sorry you found out' than an apology.
He just doesn't know how to broach the subject when talking about things and would leave it to me to bring things up.  I wonder if your wife is doing the same. 
Sometimes I think they feel that if they don't talk about it it will simply go away, or they think it just causes to much pain for both parties.
I think if her affair stopped on the day she was caught, and she is committed to NC, then she wants her marriage but maybe just doesn't have a clue how to go about making things right.  I don't really understand myself, how my husband seemed at first to be waiting around for his AP to make a decision about leaving (she didn't), but then stayed living somewhere else anyway. I honestly think now that if she'd left her husband, he would have still been dithering about whether to go with her or not.
As it is, he neither wants to be with me fully, nor to have a divorce.  A strange situation...

Would your wife be prepared to read any books or anything to help her, or have you been down that route?
Sorry if I've not been very helpful here...maybe someone else can help you more...
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Marlin44
Moderator I appreciate you getting back with me any help is better than none at this point. It sounds like we are in the same boat, she will not talk about it unless I bring it up and then she gets mad, like I am trying to start something. They just don't understand, it never goes away and she acts like you should just forget it and move on. How in the heck do you just forget and move on. It's beyond me, how they can do something like that and have no true remorse if they want to stay and work things out. If the shoe was on the other foot and I had made this mess and given a chance there would be nothing I would not do, if I truly wanted to make up for the horrible choices I had made .Like you she has told me very little and when I ask questions it's always the same answer I Don't Know, and there has never been a real apology, just  I am sorry I hurt you.I have not been down the book program but maybe I could find something but I don't know if she would even read it. I did give her two things I found about helping the betrayed spouse and she said she read them but if she did she must not have understood it and she is no dummy.I do thank you very much and I am so sorry you are in the same boat and I wish you the very best.
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Anna26
Marlin44: 

I think you have to try and put it aside a little, have you tried the 180?  The point of it is to let your spouse see that you are not dependent on them or their attention.

http://affaircare.com/the-180/

Could you try to concentrate on you more and helping yourself heal?  You can't change her actions or the things she says, apart from explaining in a caring way what you need to heal. But you can change what YOU do and how YOU act.  I think we can all be so dependent on someone that we jump through hoops and bend over backwards to try and make things right.  I the end I think we have to stop trying quite so much and let them come to us.

I agree, 'I don't know', is the stock answer isn't it?   And I will never really understand why in my case, he just couldn't make a decision between me and her.  To me it was a no-brainer,  you know what is the right and the wrong thing to do, you have made vows, your loyalty and priorities should therefore be to your spouse, but it was always like he couldn't make up his mind. Affair fog has a lot to answer for!  Maybe I'm too tolerant, I know he would have hit the roof if like you say, it had been the other way around... 

He's no great reader either but eventually I persuaded him to try the book below.  I just picked my time well and foisted it onto him.  I think he's almost read it...
And he was always a bit awkward about me sending him any stuff from the internet via links to read, couldn't see how it would help, when all I wanted to do was to get him to see the viewpoints of another wayward.  I'd got to the point where I'd had enough and said there was no point if he wouldn't let me help him a little.  To my surprise he asked me to send him some links.  Don't know whether he ever read them but at least I'd got something across.
Anyway, it sounds like you may have already given your wife this book:

How to help your spouse heal from your affair, by Linda MacDonald

I really hope things begin to improve for you soon, but focus on strengthening yourself, and whatever happens, you will be able to cope with it. I wish you well...
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Marlin44
Yes, I gave her the book by Linda McDonald that is one of them I was talking about,but I did not see any results from it if she read it like she said.I think you may be correct the 180 might be the answer here as I have bent over until I am just give out. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I may just have to move on down the road, I don't think I can ever look at her the same again.It is just so wrong and I am not that way. If something is bothering  me I tell you about it and we try to correct it. Lying and cheating is totally wrong and there is just no excuse for it period. All you are doing is living in a illusion, they never spend enough time with the AP to see that they also have issues just in a different aspect,and if they had spent all that effort in trying to fix the problems they had or thought they had at home instead of a affair, just think what they may have had.
Thanks once again this is good advise I think and I will put it to work ASAP and good luck to you as well.
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Marlin44
Can anyone help but let me bring you up to date a little. It all started Sept 17 2015 when she came home  and dropped the bomb on me about her 2 year affair with a co worker. Like all the rest of you I had never been so shocked in my entire life, I never had a clue and thought were we tight. Yes we had our ups and downs like every one else but nothing major. The only real problem I had was with her drinking all the time every single night for the past 4 years and having nothing to do with me and which is still a problem. To get to my point today I have had a lot of anger due to her lack of effort in helping me to recover. She said she was sorry for hurting me and she wanted another chance. I gave her the chance but she has put very little effort in trying to make things better, will not get help for the affair or for her drinking problem. This has caused a lot of problems and with all the anger I had  I am sure I did not help things, did and said a lot of things I am sorry for so I went to get help and I am doing much better with the anger but I still can't understand her thinking and the lack of effort and I have told her how sorry I was for all the things I said and did. Anyway I told her yesterday I was about to the end of my rope and things had to change . She will not talk with me and today at lunch  I told her she just had to talk with me that it just had to be done. I knew I was wasting my breath but to my surprise she said ok. I told her I need all my questions answered and she said she would try. She did not give me an answer to all of them but she did to most and she did  say it was not a two year affair but a 3 year which I had already heard about but it was the fact she seemed to want to be honest for a change and maybe get it all out. We talked for over a hour and at the time I felt much better about things. She says she still wants things to work that she loves me but she is not sure it will work. Once again I am at a lost and don't know what in the heck to do now or witch way to go .I thought if we could ever talk it would help put things in the right direction but I am once again looking for help in the direction to go now. Like I said she still has the drinking problem, she says she has a lot of resentment and she does not know what she wants in the relationship from me when I asked. I also asked her what she wanted in our sex life since that has been dead for the past 8 months and she says the same thing she does not know.Any and all help would be great,
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Marlin44
Can anyone help with my last post.Please
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Heidi
Hi Marlin, I've had a quick read of your posts and it sounds as if things have been really hard for you. The fact your wife is finally opening up and being honest is a good sign. However, it also seems as if she's suffering from some ambivalence, and that she doesn't really know what she wants. Hopefully someone who has been on her side of the fence may be able to give you some insight into how she's feeling.

Have you thought about going to counselling. One of the other posters here is currently going through discernment counselling with her husband, and it sounds as though that sort of thing may be helpful to you both.

Do you know what it is you want? Do you want full reconciliation? Are you willing to do this while she still has the drinking problem.

As for anger, I know I had a lot of it. I imagine as a male BS it may be harder to express without seeming oppressive. Try to find ways of letting it out, whether it be exercise, writing it down or something else.

Your wife sounds very afraid. She says she loves you but is not sure it will work. Has she said why she thinks it won't work, or is she looking for reassurance that it could?

Hopefully more people will be along with their thoughts. Hang in there.
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UrbanExplorer
Marlin, are you sure she is not still seeing or in contact with anyone else? Alternatively, she might simply be ashamed and thus struggling to reconnect with you. I don't know if things will improve without some sort of counseling, preferably with a neutral counselor who can help you both understand each other. I don't think it is fair for you to work on your role in the marriage while she does not work on hers.
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Guiltguilt
Marlin, if you think she has a drinking problem, I suggest Al-Anon. It's for partners and friends of alcoholics, and it will help you detach with love, and at least get you some peace.
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