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Dirazz
I truly hope you both can have that beautiful marriage. I didn't mean to over step I just hate that your being treated like this. It's hard to compare a marriage that was filled with cheating to a 1.5 month affair that you broke off. I realize cheating is cheating but it's such a waste of life to stay angry for years. This life is short enough. God wants us all to have a wonderful life.
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sunflower07
lleckron,

For a religious woman, your wife is awfully self-righteous.

I'm going to say a prayer that the Lord will soften her heart towards you.

"There but for the grace of God go I"
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Valntine66
My faith has to be in God, I cannot live by sight.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen, Heb 11:1.  I have to believe that God will do the work he promised to do.
Val
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Graceandhope
You're still not respecting her. She's asking you for space. If she opens the door a bit you seem kick it down and tell her you're going to be here, that God will fix it and you know he will bring her back. What you say is all about you. What you want how you don't give up etc. if she can't accept what's happened and fix the marriage then it's all on her.

I do agree that her treatment of you does seem cruel. You need to be able to set boundaries against that.

Be sure that you are actually hearing what she is (and is not) saying.
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Guiltguilt
I personally think you still want control.
You talk about not being sexually active, then in the next sentence say you were 3 times.

If you really trust in God, then you have to be prepared for the fact that she might never want to reconcile, and it is her business to make that decision, in her own time without interference from you. This isn't the 1950s, it's 2016 and people can get on quite well without each other. Tough one to swallow, but it's the truth.
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Valntine66
Graceandhope wrote:
You're still not respecting her. She's asking you for space. If she opens the door a bit you seem kick it down and tell her you're going to be here, that God will fix it and you know he will bring her back. What you say is all about you. What you want how you don't give up etc. if she can't accept what's happened and fix the marriage then it's all on her. I do agree that her treatment of you does seem cruel. You need to be able to set boundaries against that. Be sure that you are actually hearing what she is (and is not) saying.


Grace, I am giving her space.  I am not forcing her on anything, nor am I saying to her I want restoration (per her request).  She asked for space, and I am giving it.  the only thing we do together in agreement is work the Deaf ministry in our church together and manage the finances together.  But talking about restoration, who is to blame, why I did what I did, lets work on us, it's not even on the table for discussion.

I am simply saying that I am asking God to restore our marriage and build a new one.  I am asking God to work on her heart and my heart.  I am asking God to do the work and use us according to His will.  It is His will that has to done and He will have to give us the grace to accept what He chooses.  2 Corinthians 12:7 - 10.

But I am not in any way demanding restoration.  however, I am letting her know, according to what I have read by several affair books.
Val
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Heidi
Ilreckon, I've noticed you posting a lot today about the downside of your 29 year marriage, and the failings of your wife. It's the first time you've really talked about this. I think there could be two things happening here, and I'm not sure which is the case.

Either, the separation is causing you to see what your marriage was truly like for the first time. It's making you realize it wasn't the rose tinted relationship you thought it was since d day.

Or you're angry. Really angry she hasn't taken your offer of reconciliation up. And this is then making you try to justify your affair by shifting the way you look at your marriage. A similar thing that cheating spouses do in the affair fog to justify their actions, except in this case you're justifying your anger.

I don't know which one it is, but my advice on each case would be different. If it was the first (your marriage was truly bad) then you need to really think about whether you want this marriage. Your wife has demonstrated she won't take you back easily. If she ever does she will want to see real changes in you. Are you ready to do all this for a marriage that doesn't seem worth fighting for? Do you think she will make the changes she needs to given past behaviour? A marriage takes two people to make it flourish, and if only one of you is willing to work at it, it will fail.

If it's the second, then looking again at your own actions would be a better way of dealing with things. Go to counselling, work on being trustworthy, give her time but with your own boundaries firmly in place. She may still never come round, but you will come out of it a better person, the person you want to be.
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Dirazz
I don't believe your trying to justify your affair llreckon. You never have, but we all know there's reasons why someone chooses this horrible path. I understand why your wife is angry, mad etc. I think it's the fact that now she wants to date for a few years while still married. Do any of you BS's think that's ok? Having space is one thing, but saying so I can date around is another. She would be doing the same thing as him. Right? llreckon needs to be able to vent to us about his marriage he has no reason to lie about it. But to be treated like a dog is not right.
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Valntine66
There is no justification for that dark path I chose. She asked for space and I am giving it to her. What she does with that space is her choice and if she chooses to date while sill married, natural consequences will take place in the relationship between us, her and own conscience, and those that know her. I believe there are 2 maybe 3 other topics with the subject or discussion of "revenge affairs" and the end results was pain on both parties. We will deal with that when we cross that bridge.

What is now taking place, she has her space, I'm committed to working for a better marriage with God's help, we have our agreements in working the Deaf ministry, sending our last son to college and we pay 1/2 each for his tuition, work together on preparing, selling, and splitting the proceeds of the house, and staying in our local area to help our oldest daughter and husband with their sick son diagnosed with Alagille syndrome.

I did not realize so much of what I said in my added topic created such a confusing emotion on my part. "Brevity is the soul of wit". Shakespeare, Hamlet act 2, scene 2, 86-92
Val
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Valntine66
Heidi wrote:
Ilreckon, I've noticed you posting a lot today about the downside of your 29 year marriage, and the failings of your wife. It's the first time you've really talked about this. I think there could be two things happening here, and I'm not sure which is the case.

Either, the separation is causing you to see what your marriage was truly like for the first time. It's making you realize it wasn't the rose tinted relationship you thought it was since d day.


I come to the realization that my affair has no justification, excuse, or right. It was wrong, period. I have been told by my BS in recent months, our pastor, and counselor, "Don't compare your situation with other couples." What happens with them is their situation, so I believe I am not comparing our process with other couples process. I am simply looking for hope, "How-To...", and testimonies of what other couples have experienced and done in their reconciliation process so that I can apply it to my situation but it seems that the only thing that is working is give your BS space.

Heidi wrote:
Or you're angry. Really angry she hasn't taken your offer of reconciliation up. And this is then making you try to justify your affair by shifting the way you look at your marriage. A similar thing that cheating spouses do in the affair fog to justify their actions, except in this case you're justifying your anger.


I would not say angry, but frustrated because almost everything I do is rejected but not "thrown in my face". Example: I think I mentioned this above, while on vacation, we talked, we joked, we laughed, we teased, we even sat next to each other many times at dinner functions. Then when we were alone, let's say for a breakfast at the hotel we stayed at, her whole demeanor was 180' different. Another time we were shopping and she helped me choose clothes out, said I looked good in a particular shirt and or pants. Even while shopping, she saw that my arm was peeing from a previous sunburn and she wiped away the dead skin with her own hands with care but when alone, again a 180' difference. Angry, no, frustrated, yes.

Heidi wrote:
I don't know which one it is, but my advice on each case would be different. If it was the first (your marriage was truly bad) then you need to really think about whether you want this marriage. Your wife has demonstrated she won't take you back easily. If she ever does she will want to see real changes in you. Are you ready to do all this for a marriage that doesn't seem worth fighting for? Do you think she will make the changes she needs to given past behaviour? A marriage takes two people to make it flourish, and if only one of you is willing to work at it, it will fail.


That is where I truly have to ask myself, am I willing to work on this marriage knowing that she may never change, never take me back, or take me back but the changes she makes will not take place for a LONG time? I cannot control her nor change her, but I have control and change of me. That is worth it to me. I just have a long of work on me to do so that when she is angry at me, I exemplify a Christ like attitude of Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.": how could anyone love someone who constantly rejects them, I don't know but the love of Christ is my example to follow. Is it worth it, I believe so. I am going to counseling, dealing with my own behaviors, feelings, and emotions. I have set boundaries that are firmly in place and cannot allow me to stray again. I she never comes around, at least what I have done in my life will honor God.
Val
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Graceandhope
You aren't very far into this. It is so very expected that she will be bouncing around with her emotions. In the beginning it can be one step forward and many steps back. In public it's possible that she is putting aside feeling, doing things she may have done before, but your out and busy and it's easy to "forget " for the moment. Then you go "home" and it's just the two of you and all the things ( the affair and your marriage prior to the affair) come rushing back.

In this process she will(most likely) look at the marriage before and reassess it, hopefully look at herself and what she needs to heal and then look at the marriage. In the meantime, you see it all over this site, you need to look at you, heal you, figure out what the real reason for overstepping those boundaries at the time (it wasn't all you stated on another post-all of that was why you were struggling and unhappy it did not cause you to betray yourself, your spouse and your vows). Also look at why you want to reconcile and how you will be different this time.

But this is the biggest test of patience you will ever have. If she decides to reconcile she will need to reign in some of her anger but she will also test you, a lot.
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