Alfawyden Show full post »
UrbanExplorer
I really think this would have been my life if I had left with my AP. I was swept away by him, and he was objectively not a good or healthy person in hindsight. It would have ruined years of my life, in addition to breaking up my family. 

I know this is hard to do, but get out. Cut your AP loose even though you have strong addictive feelings. Be alone for a while and honestly sort yourself out. Don't take any permanent action against your marriage (i.e. divorce) and hope that your wife waits as well. It's best not to make quick decisions when emotions are that high.

FWIW, I felt as mixed up as you did 3-4 years ago. It hurt me to go NC even though I was certain I needed to do it in the moment I did. I don't love my former AP at all now, I haven't seen him in years, and I never want to see him again. It was all self-destruction and escape, and he was a part of it. I say this with hope for you. You can get out of this nightmare scenario. You can make things better.
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UrbanExplorer
billg3436 wrote:
If the forum were not closing, we would definitely need some verbiage out front informing people that this isn't a place to learn about how to make your affair work out for the best.


Yeah, but at least he's in the Unfaithful Testimonials part of the forum. I don't know what strangers yelling at him really helps (not that you did it). I try to respond as if my best friend or sibling has gotten themselves into this mess.
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Sorry
I agree 100% Figure out who that stranger in the mirror is, where they need to be and they work slowly there. Anyone who wont wait for you to go through this process was not really an option from the beginning.
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Keepabuzz
Sorry wrote:
I agree 100% Figure out who that stranger in the mirror is, where they need to be and they work slowly there. Anyone who wont wait for you to go through this process was not really an option from the beginning.


I have to disagree with the last line there. I think (hope) you are referring to his AP here, but I would be willing to bet his wife was a really good option before he betrayed her and imploded her world. She is under no requirement to wait for him for a second. She is well within her rights to drop him like a bad habit and find someone who won’t treat her like shìt. Sounds like the would likely be the best option for her. How is anyone surprised that his AP lacks integrity or morals, least of all him who also lacks in those same attributes. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry
I disagree. If his wife does not wait, then she was not an option. Its that simple. 

I also strongly believe that people can change. Otherwise I do not know why any of you are bothering to fight for your marriages If you dont believe that then can change. 
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Keepabuzz
Sorry wrote:
I disagree. If his wife does not wait, then she was not an option. Its that simple. 

I also strongly believe that people can change. Otherwise I do not know why any of you are bothering to fight for your marriages If you dont believe that then can change. 


She “was” an option. She “was” “the” option he chose to marry. I guess it depends on what your meaning by “beginning”. If you mean once he betrayed her, then I guess I can agree. I do believe people can change, and I certainly hope my wife is one that can. She certainly seems to have, but nothing is guaranteed.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
Either way I don't think he should be thinking of his wife as an option now. 

Actually the proper focus is probably doing the right thing, not doing what's best for yourself. When all the upheaval is in the past then you start making plans again but that is literally years away in this case. There's no shortcut to feeling okay here.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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blyrobin51
anthro wrote:
I am sorry you are experiencing this turn of events and uncharacteristic behaviour by your AP that nobody could possibly ever have anticipated.

It's hard to say what you should do but overall it sounds like you should probably keep trying with you AP for a while yet considering how strong your connection was. A connection that strong has to be real. 


🙂 🙂  Anthro.....lmao...
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Experiencethedevine29
Reads...shocker!  An AP that can’t be trusted..hmmmm..🤔...
I think, Alf, you know what to do, you just need to find the guts to do it.  Nothing good ever comes of something built on a web of deceit.

i also think you should leave your poor wife alone frankly. To-ing and fro-ing between your AP and your wife while YOU decide which one you want?? That speaks volumes. Its simply vile, 🤮 that poor woman has suffered enough don’t you think?   The way you talk about her leaves me feeling positively nauseous. Stop dangling the carrot in front of her ffs..

‘Get out and spend some time on your own working on your issues before you get into it with anyone else, and look after your kids...


ETD🌻
The grass always looks greener..until the dog pee’s on it....
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Sunsetkisses
Alfawyden - I know exactly what you mean. I left my husband for an AF and although now he is my husband the grass is not greener.
once you are partners the daily issues cause arguments and the sex is suddenly not so exciting

A relationship is more than sex it’s about connecting on every level. Can only wish you luck on the choice that you made 
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Experiencethedevine29
Alfawyden - I know exactly what you mean. I left my husband for an AF and although now he is my husband the grass is not greener.
once you are partners the daily issues cause arguments and the sex is suddenly not so exciting

A relationship is more than sex it’s about connecting on every level. Can only wish you luck on the choice that you made 



^^^^^...... this....exactly...



ETD 🌻
The grass always looks greener..until the dog pee’s on it....
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AnywhereButHere
"A relationship is more than sex it’s about connecting on every level."

Which is why emotional affairs can be just as devastating, some people think more devastating, than affairs involving sex or that are sex-only. Unless it was clearly a ONS, it's more than a simply a question of, "Did he stick it in you?!!!!" 
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Kaff
You didn’t know she could cheat n lie n deceive. You thought she was a loyal trustworthy person?No you don’t teally, you know that the thrill of your lust and relationship was the lies the secrets the sneaking around.
Shes like you, why were you so shocked? So now wife is looking better since you have been stung. You talk about your AP with disgust, why?Your a traitor too, now wife looks better not comparing it with lust and urges, maybe this revelation of your AP will urge you to stop being so about yourself and have a good look at how you could hurt your loving wife for your gratification. Good luck, life is about learning, hopefully you will become a real man , with integrity and self control,not just a body with a male appendage with urges that override good character.
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