Where to start.
I was caught having an affair, which had been emotional for about 8 months and physical for 4 months. We got on so well and could talk about anything. It did feel like I had met my perfect match. This is something we often spoke about. Love sick teenagers we would joke.
After a couple of months of bouncing between my W and AP, I finally took the plunge and moved into my own place to be with my AP. She left her husband 2 months later and moved in with me. There was stress and strain given the situation and my guilt and love for my W remained, but it wasn’t enough to make me go back. I thought I would look forward and take that gamble. My AP felt exciting and was younger than me by 10 years. We were very sexually active and for the first time in years, I felt alive.
Given how we came about, I we always said that trust and honesty with each other were something we needed have, or we could never work.
About a month into moving in with me, I started to have my doubts that she was being honest and suspected she might be texting others from her past. She reassured me and said I always had full access to her phone. I still had doubts though as she could be a bit secretive when texting. I never searched her phone though. Maybe I was nervous about what I would find.
After 3 months of living together, along came Christmas. I was desperate to spend time with my old family and started to talk to my W a lot more without my AP knowing. I even talk about leaving and coming back home, but ultimately I couldn’t. I spoke to my AP and she said how her trust had been broken, but she couldn’t live without me. At that point I decided to stay. I knew how much my W was hurting and I knew that I still cared for her deeply. I just was in love(lust) with my AP more.
We rented a new house together and thought, this is the future. I’ll make a full commitment to my AP, as this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Then one night she was acting a bit strange. As she went to the toilet a WhatsApp message from a male friend popped up. It was 11 at night. I didn’t confront her that night, as I was scared to see what it was, so waited a couple of days. When I confronted her, she said it was nothing. I checked the recent messages and they seemed innocent enough, but I didn’t trust her.
About a week later, I started getting suspicious again, so sneakily I logged into her WhatsApp remotely. There were some innocent messages with 2 men, but then as I read further there were messages about meeting up. Messages about having sex and general sexting. I know she had had a relationship one of them previously. I felt gutted and so stupid. The messages went right back to when she had her new phone just before we moved in together.
I confronted her ad she said she hadn’t met them and it was just habit. She understood how hurt I must be, but that she loved me so much and couldn’t live without me. She said she had been going through a very hard time and that she needed to change and never message anyone like that again. She agreed to seek help to help and wanted to move forward.
It’s now been 3 weeks and I am currently still with my AP, though I have lost any trust we had.
Do I believe and trust her that it was habit and didn’t mean anything?
Do I believe she won’t do it again and it was just mistake that she regrets so much?
Should I walk away and forget all about her?
She says it isn't an affair, but If she was so into me, then how could she have kept messaging. That I would love to understand. I know I should leave her, but am struggling to lift the fog and let go. My W always said she was deceitful and not as she appears.
I guess it is the case of if they can do that to them, then they can do it to you.
I can’t even imagine the hurt my poor W must have gone through. She is such an amazing woman and one I had forgotten existed and often ignored. I do wish I could turn back the clock, even to Christmas, so we could give it another try. I was stupid and selfish and lusted after a dream. I feel I have lost everything and it is my own fault. You can't trust a lie and the same goes for me I guess.
For anyone contemplating moving forward with their AP, please make sure you know exactly who they are as these mistakes are very costly for everyone.