Alfawyden

Where to start.

I was caught having an affair, which had been emotional for about 8 months and physical for 4 months. We got on so well and could talk about anything. It did feel like I had met my perfect match. This is something we often spoke about. Love sick teenagers we would joke.

After a couple of months of bouncing between my W and AP, I finally took the plunge and moved into my own place to be with my AP. She left her husband 2 months later and moved in with me. There was stress and strain given the situation and my guilt and love for my W remained, but it wasn’t enough to make me go back. I thought I would look forward and take that gamble. My AP felt exciting and was younger than me by 10 years. We were very sexually active and for the first time in years, I felt alive.

Given how we came about, I we always said that trust and honesty with each other were something we needed have, or we could never work.

About a month into moving in with me, I started to have my doubts that she was being honest and suspected she might be texting others from her past. She reassured me and said I always had full access to her phone. I still had doubts though as she could be a bit secretive when texting. I never searched her phone though. Maybe I was nervous about what I would find.

After 3 months of living together, along came Christmas. I was desperate to spend time with my old family and started to talk to my W a lot more without my AP knowing. I even talk about leaving and coming back home, but ultimately I couldn’t. I spoke to my AP and she said how her trust had been broken, but she couldn’t live without me. At that point I decided to stay. I knew how much my W was hurting and I knew that I still cared for her deeply. I just was in love(lust) with my AP more.

We rented a new house together and thought, this is the future. I’ll make a full commitment to my AP, as this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Then one night she was acting a bit strange. As she went to the toilet a WhatsApp message from a male friend popped up. It was 11 at night. I didn’t confront her that night, as I was scared to see what it was, so waited a couple of days. When I confronted her, she said it was nothing. I checked the recent messages and they seemed innocent enough, but I didn’t trust her.

About a week later, I started getting suspicious again, so sneakily I logged into her WhatsApp remotely. There were some innocent messages with 2 men, but then as I read further there were messages about meeting up. Messages about having sex and general sexting. I know she had had a relationship one of them previously. I felt gutted and so stupid. The messages went right back to when she had her new phone just before we moved in together.

I confronted her ad she said she hadn’t met them and it was just habit. She understood how hurt I must be, but that she loved me so much and couldn’t live without me. She said she had been going through a very hard time and that she needed to change and never message anyone like that again. She agreed to seek help to help and wanted to move forward.

It’s now been 3 weeks and I am currently still with my AP, though I have lost any trust we had.
Do I believe and trust her that it was habit and didn’t mean anything?
Do I believe she won’t do it again and it was just mistake that she regrets so much?
Should I walk away and forget all about her?
She says it isn't an affair, but If she was so into me, then how could she have kept messaging. That I would love to understand. I know I should leave her, but am struggling to lift the fog and let go. My W always said she was deceitful and not as she appears.

I guess it is the case of if they can do that to them, then they can do it to you.

I can’t even imagine the hurt my poor W must have gone through. She is such an amazing woman and one I had forgotten existed and often ignored. I do wish I could turn back the clock, even to Christmas, so we could give it another try. I was stupid and selfish and lusted after a dream. I feel I have lost everything and it is my own fault. You can't trust a lie and the same goes for me I guess.

For anyone contemplating moving forward with their AP, please make sure you know exactly who they are as these mistakes are very costly for everyone.

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anthro
I am sorry you are experiencing this turn of events and uncharacteristic behaviour by your AP that nobody could possibly ever have anticipated.

It's hard to say what you should do but overall it sounds like you should probably keep trying with you AP for a while yet considering how strong your connection was. A connection that strong has to be real. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Skelling
Alright so lets start at the beginning. You realized that you made a huge mistake by cheating on your wife. You realize how much hurt you inflicted on her. You were even ready to return to your family. You realized you miss and love your wife and even admit that whatever you have with the AP is not love but lust. Of course your pride is hurt as you are now on the receiving end. You are experiencing what you have been putting your family and especially your wife through. And it sucks doesn't it? I understand that you feel like holding on to the relationship with the AP because you don't want two failed relationships on your record. But you are betting on the wrong horse here. Of course you need to expect that the AP is doing to you what she has done to her previous partner. She has proven that she can't be trusted by choosing an affair over working out her own issues. And of course you should walk away and forget about her and start investing into what you actually want, your family, your life. No doubt it will be difficult but consider yourself very lucky, if your wife is willing to take you back, willing to work with you and willing to forgive you. What can you future possibly look like with someone you had doubts about, that you can't trust so early on.  No one can make that decison  for you though. So sit down and think long and hard. I am sorry, if I come across too strong. You came here because you obviously are looking for help and I believe all here should get the same chance but do me a favor and read your text again. How many times did you use that you don't trust your AP, that you are not sure about your feelings for her and how often you say you love your wife, miss your family. I think what you are really looking for is a way home. And I am sure there are some great people here, who will be able to find that, but if you are looking for advice how to trust your AP and how to win her back, you will be out of luck here.
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Sorry
Firstly,Welcome back Anthro. Not sure whether your presence is a sign of good things. 

To Alfa.
Good luck with getting out of your mess and OUT is the operative word.

You dont ever know your affair partner, well You do know one things, You know that they can lie with a straight face, have decidedly flexible morals and see fidelity as more of a when it suits they than a constant. 

You are effectively now in a trust free relationship with someone who may as well be a stranger. Having hurt and probably lost your family for what now feels like a very second rate alternative.

Sometimes the things You want are Not the things You need.
I am a WS and my only blessing is that I never actually stayed with my AP. my marriages recovery has Not been easy but hell, I have seen my exAp flirt with the word like he is open for business, it is now sickening, and I am so glad I am not the one at home worrying about him.

Whenever I raise this point people are super quick To point out my hubby is that one, but he isnt and I am not getting up To anything my boundaries are now very clear!

Good luck 
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TimT
anthro wrote:
I am sorry you are experiencing this turn of events and uncharacteristic behaviour by your AP that nobody could possibly ever have anticipated. It's hard to say what you should do but overall it sounds like you should probably keep trying with you AP for a while yet considering how strong your connection was. A connection that strong has to be real. 
Is this sarcasm? Certainly hope it's not meant to be legit advice.
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Alfawyden
Thank you for your reply Skelling and you certainly didn't come across to strong at all. It is losing that trust so early on with the AP that means I can't see a future with her. It would be a relationship built on sand.

I do love my wife and family, much more than I thought. I initially felt anger towards her, as a way of making me feel better and an excuse to put the blame on her. If I'm angry then she must have been the cause, I tried to convince myself. The fog everyone talks about seems to force you down this path that you seem to be able to justify anything so easily. I am scared of going back as I know the pain I have caused and the amount of work that is needed to work through all that has happened. This is me being a coward and not stepping up to rebuild things. My heart says it is the right thing to do and what I want to do.

I know my AP is troubled and is seeking help and support to solve some deep routed issues that have bubbled through. Leaving her at this time does put a guilt on my shoulders, but you can't stay through guilt when the fundamental trust is gone no matter how much she says she is sorry.

Hi Sorry.......

Your point of what you want is not always what you need are so very true. Now is the time to have faith in the love of my family and wife and not let the fog chase a fantasy
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midwestgirl
Alfawyden ~ 
I am a BS, so I suppose that you could write this off as....thoughts of a BS, but I ask you to please reread your first post.
Try to read it without your name attached to it. Read it as though you found this in the paper. What does it say (quite loudly) to you? 

I believe you are up against some sobering times ahead of you. While I am learning that affairs are usually begun thinking that no one will get hurt (thank you WS for posting about this), they are a messy business. Try to remember that while you are feeling 'gutted', your 'old' family is beyond gutted.

BS, D-day 09/17
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Skelling
I think it is good that you made the first step to move out of the fog. And yes it will be the harder path but it will also be the more rewarding. My husband also used his anger as justification for his affair but now realizes that there was more to it. Anger usually is a mask for other feelings, emotions (fear, hurt,disappointment, pain...), try and really figure out what was bothering you and if your wife is open to reconsiliation, there will be a time where you can discuss that and work towards better communication. Make no mistake though, it is def not the time to do this now as it will backfire, if you will try to give reasons for your affair. Quite frankly there is never a valid reason for an affair and you don't want to add to the pain of your wife by pushing the blame on her. The affair is on you and only you but, if she is open to it reconsilliation is on you both. i encourage you to take Tim's course on finding out why. My husband did the short version of it in Jan. and I can honestly say that this was the turning point for us. We still have a long way ahead of us and there are days, I just can't seem to take the hurt anymore and just want to give up, but it helped my husband figure some stuff out. Helped him understand where to work on himself and where to open his mouth and speak, when he previously would just swollow and then get angry, when I didn't read his mind. There is a reason why you married your wife, go back to that reason, go and remember all the things that you love about her, the life you built together, the moments and dreams you shared, the obsticles you managed to overcome....It is a huge gift, if a BS gives the WS another chance so make no mistake and take it for granted. Put in all the work, show initiative, cut all ties to the AP as hard as it may seem, soon enough you will see it was all just fantasy and as you say build on sand, whereas your marriage has a solid foundation. Yes the building collapsed and you have to start over by putting one brick on  top of the other but, if you are willing, you will end up with a beautiful new building that withstands any storm. (don't take it from me but take it from those ex ws here in the forum). I very much hope you will find your way back home. If you are religious at all, look up the story of the lost son, might be helpful. Good luck.
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hurting
Didn’t post earlier as I wasn’t sure if it would be helpful to you- by the title of your post (which tbh I am wholeheartedly glad is the case for the sake of your wife) though... perhaps you are starting to come out of the fog...

I honestly don’t know how it can come as a surprise to WS/AP that the other person might lie to them. You’re both liars with very flexible morals and a tendency to cheat- surely that in itself should be a warning that if your AP can do it to their partner, they can do it to you. Why on earth would you be an exception to the rule? Of COURSE a liar (your AP) is going to tell you they’ll stop lying and cheating. That’s what liars do when they’re caught... 

Take your own name out of the picture you’ve painted and imagine you were to read about this situation. What would you say to the person asking your question? 

I feel so so sorry for your wife. She is the only victim here. Her suffering and pain is far beyond your comprehension... 
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Damaged
Your story is very similar to a former poster on this site. He also has a few recent posts. His name is Kal ( or Kaljamaran??). He also left his wife for the AP then realized it was a huge mistake. He came to his senses and his wife took him back. If you can find them, I think his posts would be very helpful. 
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Flick3
“but you can't stay through guilt when the fundamental trust is gone no matter how much she says she is sorry”

you say say this about your affair partner.  What do you think your wife says about you?  Are you just gonna just say your sorry?
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HML
ALFA
Tiime to ..........
REGRET REFLECT REFORM and REPENT ......4Rs  this cannot happen it you are still with your AP......so Quit the BS about your wife being amazing and that you still have some love for her ????
Only ZERO love could make you make such a bold cold hearted choice of moving in with your AP and deserting your whole family for your own selfish desires ...dun even think of moving back ...... make your mistake work or work on your mistake this was your CHOICE so take it to your grave and never hurt your loved ones again!!
Your AP really suits you and your ideals for now ........both filled with deceit and lies ..... like they say birds of a feather flock together !!! 
Mess it not throughly enjoyable when it was between you both before married with spouses??
You Reap what you SOW and the Choice was yours...... dun come back your loved ones are not second choices!!!
Enjoy your AP and if it’s LOVE your AP will change and your trust will be unconditional in whatever she does btw you have seen her lie and cheat right beside you and you still Chose her over your Wife???? Nothing new just accept like how your wife has .....time to feel her PAIN!!
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AnywhereButHere
If the forum were not closing, we would definitely need some verbiage out front informing people that this isn't a place to learn about how to make your affair work out for the best.
BS, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
After 26 Yrs of Marriage
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Sorry
Maybe I misread it, but I did not get that sense. I think that the issue faced here is a the same that all BS's face. 

How can you trust someone who you know is able to cheat. How can you heal yourself (from the damage you have done) while still in a realationship. 

I know all BS's see there decisions as really easy ones. But as a WS they are not that easy from the inside. Emotions make decisions that should be no brainers into "I behave like I've got no brainers".

I think it is always hard to learn to trust someone who cheated, even if that someone is yourself.

I think that we all agree that staying with someone when the trust is broken is not easy. Understatement and I think that most of us know the statistics about the chances of success of the affair realationship. 
Would you necessarily wish on a WS that her husand came back undecided. Or rather guide him to therapy to learn more about himself and his motivation for his choices.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Sorry wrote:

Would you necessarily wish on a WS that her husand came back undecided. Or rather guide him to therapy to learn more about himself and his motivation for his choices.


I don't think this man has any idea what he wants and is completely lost.  Right now, the kindest thing he could do for EVERYONE, including himself, is to be brave enough to be alone for a while.  Any relationship he tries to commit to right now is going to end up a hot mess because he is a hot mess. 

Instead he need to work on understanding himself.  It seems to me he is making one bad decision after another and seeking solace outside of himself (the perfect partner will make everything okay).  As long as he is unhealed - he'll keep hurting himself and everyone around him.  

Alfawyden - please take a step back.  You have already dug yourself a HUGE, DEEP hole.  Whether you try to make it work with this AP (who sounds emotionally unstable as well) OR try to go back to your wife in your current state - it will not work.  You are currently "not fit for human consumption".  The safest route for you and all those who care about you is the hardest.  Separate from EVERYONE for a while and in that quiet space, get therapy and figure out what is driving these self-destructive choices.  Only when YOU know how to make YOU happy - deep inside and completely independent of needing anyone else to "make you feel good" will you be a safe partner for anyone else.  

Good luck - I really mean that.  While I am a betrayed spouse and a part of me is so angry at you for the unbelievable pain you have given your spouse - I recognize you are a human being.  A flawed and broken one but still worthy of love and redemption (I believe we all are).  I hope for your sake and for all those who you are effecting right now, that you find your way before you cause more pain.    
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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