wolfgrrl Show full post »
wolfgrrl
I still stalk social media too. Not proudly, but it is hard to stop. I mentioned this earlier, but I pray no innocent children are ever caught up in the messes this woman likes to leave in her wake. I hope she gets what is coming to her, but I certainly hope children don't pay the price for/with her. My children may still pay the price, it is too early for me to know for sure. And if they are hurt in this, it will take a lot more for me to push down my desire for revenge. Mama Bear and all that.
Quote 0 0
neslon
Pain-shopping - where we look at social media or dig in their cell phones or try to find more evidence of what we know already exists.  Somewhere online I read that this is done to keep us weary and protect us from trusting and being vulnerable because we feel the pain over and over again.

Once I understood what this was costing me I tried to stop looking.  I blocked her from seeing my facebook page - She had blocked me on Dday(again scared I would go after her daughters).  I could do that if I wanted to destroy my soul..it and she are not worth my soul.  I had a fake facebook account the first 2 weeks so I could skim and I decided to let that go also.  I have googled her once in the last month and told a friend that I did it.  My friend told me to figure out the why I did it.  I think I was comparing what I saw in person to the professional picture that always comes up.  I think because the airbrushed version of her was in my head for so long that I finally saw the real her and was shocked that she wasn't "perfect."
Quote 0 0
wolfgrrl
Pain-shopping is a perfect name for it. I know I do it to remind myself what was done to me. To make sure I never forget that he could do this to me. To guard myself and hold on to the pain so it can never happen again. I still have e-mails and texts. I still have the tracphone I found that had messages he sent her. He deleted all of the messages she sent him, but not the ones he sent her. They were my final proof that brought about D-day. I still try to sneak looks over his shoulder when he is on the phone. I've blocked her on facebook, but we all know that is small and easy to get around. Its an obsession that I am working to get over. But I think all of us who have been here understand the pull of that stalking and obsession all too well.
Quote 0 0
Heidi
The stalking is part of my hypervigilance - a reaction to the trauma that I'm working on in therapy. For too long I was the one who had to protect my family, because my children did get hurt in the fallout. The danger has now passed, but sometimes my mind makes me stay on alert because it's stuck in the past. I'm trying very hard to drop it, because it's exhausting and not good for my health. It does come in cycles though, and I'm getting better at recognising it for what it is.

Ugh, so many ripples.
Quote 0 0
neslon
You are still in a place where you need to protect yourself.  I also look or ask him who he is texting.  I also did this while the affair was going on sadly and believed him.  He was able to lie to himself during the affair with compartmentalizing my IC says this is really hard to do after he is caught and can see the lies.  

I think the stalking/obsession is where I saw that I was losing parts of myself.  I didn't like who I became then.

Have you read Tim's article on the 2 guards?
http://www.affairhealing.com/guard-your-heart-after-an-affair.html  


Quote 0 0
wolfgrrl
I did read Tim's article. I actually read a lot of them over the weekend to try and help me figure out what to do next. I'm distancing myself some right now. Not a full 180, but definitely some distance. I've realized I need the distance to protect myself from his continuing behavior that is still hurting me. Getting my hopes up that he is making progress, only to have something thrown at me that sends me sliding back down into a hole of pain and disappointment. I do feel the obsessing and the stalking is a part of me I do not like and do not recognize. I understand why I do it, but hope I can move past it in time. And that is a part of trying to decide what to do next. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be happy again. Enjoy things again. I want this chapter to be over. I know it won't be for a very long time. But I need to start moving it in that direction, without him if need be. I did talk to him just over a week ago and say I was at a point where it seemed like nothing I did was helping. So I was going to back off and just focus on me. And I told him I feared he would see that as me giving up, and that wasn't at all what it was. And he said "that is what it feels like." And that got me upset again and I just said "what do you want from me then? I try and it is pushing, I give you space and I am giving up. nothing I do is what you want." He had no answer of course, he never has an answer. Between that and the realization that even after 4 months, he isn't really any closer to ending the contact with her, I guess I am reaching a point of being done. I want him to come back to me, but I've done all I can to help him see that. He's in therapy, he says he is working on letting her go. I fear my pulling away will make him give up trying. But that can't be my problem anymore. He will either come back or he won't. It is just so hard to step back when your heart is pulling you towards this person. I know these next few weeks will be so hard, going against my instinct and my heart. But I have to do something different. I can't keep being the fly banging my head against the glass.
Quote 0 0
neslon
The addiction aspect of an affair still blows my mind.  I believe it and I guess even looking back at a couple guys I dated in high school or college and in retrospect I can't imagine why I thought I "liked/loved" them.  I know my husband said he was trying to distance himself from the OW in the month or 2 before dday.  I questioned that as I could see the text messages but he said he was making sure he wasn't available to meet up with her.  That I could see mostly.  I asked why he couldn't just end it before dday and he said "I don't know"  I still get a lot of "I don't know" which is hard.  I see that as the addiction side.  He does not see the affair as an addiction at all but I think that is his personality. 

I think the 180 would be difficult but I can see how it makes you look to yourself first.  When I first read about it I liked that one person said to talk over it with your IC to see what steps you were ready for and which you weren't which to me sounds a lot like your thought process.  

I was told I'm in a pursuer mode myself and that is really hard to break out of.  I still need his comfort but I try to not pursue and chase ...I'm not sure I'm succeeding there but I think I can see progress.
Quote 0 0
wolfgrrl
I have IC tomorrow and do plan to talk about it with my therapist, this pulling back, distancing myself. I felt it a lot right after we spoke on Friday about his recent contact with the OW. I feel it less now. Like the initial anger is gone, so I am back to saying oh, but as long as he is trying, even small steps, I have to make an effort so he knows I haven't given up. I'm not sure I will ever get over the fear that he will stop trying as I pull away because he wants me to walk away. He has admitted it would be easier if I walked away and said we were done. He also said he knows it shouldn't be easy. I think my h is in IC in an attempt to do right by me. Which is good to some extent. Hopefully while there he will realize he really needs this for him, regardless of whether or not our marriage works out. But right now, I do not believe he has had that realization yet. So if I pull back and he starts to feel me slipping away, there is a good chance he will throw his hands up and say "I don't have to try anymore." I know I have to accept that and realize I can't control it. He could do that at any point, no matter what I do. He told me he wants me to focus on the kids and the other stresses I have in my life right now (there are a number of other big things I am dealing with, I won't elaborate). But at the same time he also said "I'm not going anywhere, I have no where to go." And that hurt. So what happens when he does have somewhere to go? I know that isn't my problem either, but I know you all can relate to this vicious circle of thought that I am presenting here. It is never ending. An out of control merry-go-round. Is this right, or will it do more harm than good? Or is this right? Will this make me happier or more stressed out? Should I just do what I feel in the moment even if I swing from wanting to hug him to not being able to look him in the face? The questions and the doubts and the fears never end. But I just keep chugging along, taking one moment at a time and trying to do what feels right. Or maybe what feels the least wrong. I think it has been awhile since anything felt like the "right" thing to do.
Quote 0 0