Vacillating
My husband just left for work, and I was left here thinking how simple life used to be before the affair. He would leave for work, and I didn’t question that that’s where he would be. Now my mind wanders, and I have to stop myself before I start to speculate too much and cause an argument. I guess this is my new reality now. I took for granted how easy it was to trust without verification. I was so naive like a little mouse unaware of the hawk circling above it. Now I have become the hawk, and I really don’t like the view from up above. It’s exhausting and sometimes frightening. However, I know that I will never trust blindly again; and that really upsets me. He took that peace of mind away from me, and now I have to find a way to live with it and forgive him for it. Anyway, I was just thinking aloud. I was gonna write this in my journal, but I thought I’d share with you all.
Quote 13 0
anthropoidape
Thanks for sharing.

I have felt the same way. It is fading I have to say. My wife takes a little more care to tell me what she is up to, and calls me a bit more often than she used to.

I think it is true that I too will never trust blindly again. But the hypervigilance does start to lessen.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
Keepabuzz
Vacillating wrote:
My husband just left for work, and I was left here thinking how simple life used to be before the affair. He would leave for work, and I didn’t question that that’s where he would be. Now my mind wanders, and I have to stop myself before I start to speculate too much and cause an argument. I guess this is my new reality now. I took for granted how easy it was to trust without verification. I was so naive like a little mouse unaware of the hawk circling above it. Now I have become the hawk, and I really don’t like the view from up above. It’s exhausting and sometimes frightening. However, I know that I will never trust blindly again; and that really upsets me. He took that peace of mind away from me, and now I have to find a way to live with it and forgive him for it. Anyway, I was just thinking aloud. I was gonna write this in my journal, but I thought I’d share with you all.


Why would you asking him where he is going or where he has been cause an arguement?  I assume it angers or frustrates him that you don’t trust him, well tough shìt.  He is at fault.  My wife showed me this frustration once, I quickly told her to go look in the mirror and get angry and frustrated at that person, because that person is the ONLY one at fault, and I wasn’t going to deal with it for a second. Now or ever. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0
Vacillating
I guess we haven’t really argued since he finally came clean. Lately, he has tried to be more accountable, but it’s frustrating just having the thoughts in the first place. I guess when I start ruminating and speculating, I approach the situation with anger. It’s not really an argument; it’s more me yelling at him. I just hate being that person: the angry one yelling all the time. 
Quote 1 0
Keepabuzz
Vacillating wrote:
I guess we haven’t really argued since he finally came clean. Lately, he has tried to be more accountable, but it’s frustrating just having the thoughts in the first place. I guess when I start ruminating and speculating, I approach the situation with anger. It’s not really an argument; it’s more me yelling at him. I just hate being that person: the angry one yelling all the time. 


I understand now. I felt the same, except I fully embraced my rage, I felt no guilt or shame about it as long it was expressed towards my wife. I still don’t feel bad about anything I said to her.  The only time I felt guilty or ashamed about it was when I let it loose accidentally on someone else. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
Erinithia
Vacillating, I feel the same as you a lot too! Not as often now, but definitely feel like I still moarn the person I once was. I liked the feeling of being able to trust as much as I did, and then it came and bit me in the ass.  I also struggle with knowing if what he is saying is truth, you say this is where you are going or what you are doing, but you fooled me once.  That is another huge thing I have struggled with, because everything he told me before I thought was truth, and it wasn’t. But I’m working on it
BS female D-day 5/11/16 husbands affair was a year and a half
Quote 2 0
GingerHoneyBunny
anthropoidape wrote:
Thanks for sharing.

I have felt the same way. It is fading I have to say. My wife takes a little more care to tell me what she is up to, and calls me a bit more often than she used to.

I think it is true that I too will never trust blindly again. But the hypervigilance does start to lessen.


it turns out now that my wife is the one needing me to check in with her once a day. I work about 30 miles away from home. and she wants us to be closer and up to date with each other. I'm not really keen, but reciprocate for the sake of giving reconciliation a chance. she does feel jealous about how good i look for office, who i have lunch with and stuff like that..

yeah, being that hawk really sucks. I still check her phone almost every day. it not right, but i cant help it and she does not know i check it.
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
Quote 0 0
Vacillating
I checked my husband’s phone a few nights ago. He knows though because I asked him for it. It really didn’t make me feel good though. I started thinking that he could just be better at hiding his mess. It’s such a sick cycle I’m in right not. Nothing satiates this thirst for truth, unfortunately. 
Quote 2 0
Vacillating
Erinithia wrote:
Vacillating, I feel the same as you a lot too! Not as often now, but definitely feel like I still moarn the person I once was. I liked the feeling of being able to trust as much as I did, and then it came and bit me in the ass.  I also struggle with knowing if what he is saying is truth, you say this is where you are going or what you are doing, but you fooled me once.  That is another huge thing I have struggled with, because everything he told me before I thought was truth, and it wasn’t. But I’m working on it

I think the hardest part is know what to believe. He’s said so much in the wake of his affair that now he wants to renege. I told him that I can’t go by what he says anymore. I need action. That’s the only way I can even begin to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. 
Quote 1 0
anthropoidape
More than once I laid out for my wife a clear, fair plan for separation. More than fair in fact; I would have let her take more than half our property. I did this very sincerely because I want her to stay only if it is her true preference. 

I think it alleviates your hypervigilance a bit if you give your spouse absolute freedom to leave, promising it will be smooth and easy and not adversarial. It gives a bit of confidence about their motives.

I guess it assumes they are not deliberately planning to reinstate their double life as their preferred option. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
Laurajean83
I don't know what's normal for the hawk behavior.  My husband is much more techy than me (Like lots and lots) so my phone now has several surveillance type apps.  His phone tracks my GPS and beeps when I leave the house.  I am pretty sure he gets all my incoming emails, and social media notifications.  He did it within the first week after Dday.   Maybe he doesn't feel like he needs it so much now, but it gave him a tiny feeling of control in the ability to protect himself kinda way.  I don't mind.  

Actually I think it did spare me a couple of times when I was weak and still a bit in the fog from messaging my exAP, thinking I needed some questions answered or something.  So I am glad for it I guess.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
Quote 3 0
UrbanExplorer
Laurajean83 wrote:
I don't know what's normal for the hawk behavior.  My husband is much more techy than me (Like lots and lots) so my phone now has several surveillance type apps.  His phone tracks my GPS and beeps when I leave the house.  I am pretty sure he gets all my incoming emails, and social media notifications.  He did it within the first week after Dday.   Maybe he doesn't feel like he needs it so much now, but it gave him a tiny feeling of control in the ability to protect himself kinda way.  I don't mind.  

Actually I think it did spare me a couple of times when I was weak and still a bit in the fog from messaging my exAP, thinking I needed some questions answered or something.  So I am glad for it I guess.  


Wow, that is a lot of surveillance! I just leave my phone unlocked on the counter, and we have a sheet with all of our passwords at home where he could use it if he wanted. In couples counseling, the therapist advised us that if one of us wanted to go through the other's phone or computer, it is best to do in front of the other. I work in a field with a lot of proprietary and confidential information, so some of my correspondence is going to be private. When AP used to try to contact me at work long after NC, I would tell my H that day. I also tell him where I am going. 
Quote 0 0
UrbanExplorer
Vacillating wrote:
I checked my husband’s phone a few nights ago. He knows though because I asked him for it. It really didn’t make me feel good though. I started thinking that he could just be better at hiding his mess. It’s such a sick cycle I’m in right not. Nothing satiates this thirst for truth, unfortunately. 


Hopefully, you will get a strong sense that the idea of starting up a double life again sounds exhausting to him. 
Quote 0 0
DorothyJane7
It is strange to mourn who we were, isn't it? But I think it's a  normal part.
Quote 3 0
Keepabuzz
Laurajean83 wrote:
I don't know what's normal for the hawk behavior.  My husband is much more techy than me (Like lots and lots) so my phone now has several surveillance type apps.  His phone tracks my GPS and beeps when I leave the house.  I am pretty sure he gets all my incoming emails, and social media notifications.  He did it within the first week after Dday.   Maybe he doesn't feel like he needs it so much now, but it gave him a tiny feeling of control in the ability to protect himself kinda way.  I don't mind.  

Actually I think it did spare me a couple of times when I was weak and still a bit in the fog from messaging my exAP, thinking I needed some questions answered or something.  So I am glad for it I guess.  



I did a ton of hawk behavior for a long time. Of course this was self protection. Not so much me trying to stop her from doing anything, like contacting her former AP, etc. For me it was just so I knew the truth. I had been terribly taken advantage of in the worst possible way. I didn’t want to stay with my wife. I wanted to leave. I only stayed because of my kids for a quite a while. I needed the surveillance because if she violated any of my boundaries, I was gone. I just needed to know if they were violated, I certainly couldn’t trust her. 

On D-day after I left, I drove through the night. I certainly wasn’t going to be getting any sleep. So I just drove. In the wee hours of the morning she texted me, she had given up calling me, I refused to answer. She asked me why I was where I was, I was out of the State. It was laughable to me. She was tracking me on “find friends”. I turned off my GPS.  Then she really freaked out. I came back in a few days because my daughters were not doing well, really worried about me, and what was going to happen to them. Even then she tracked me for a while. She still does sometimes. I think she was just really worried I was going to my lawyers office. Which I did, but I turned my phone off. I even borrowed some cash from my Mom to pay for the retainer so that my wife wouldn’t notice any money missing. Strange role reversal. 

I will always retain my right to surveil her, in any way I choose. I feel no need to tell her, if and when I do it. I rarely ever check her phone anymore, but if I feel the need I will. I will check it in front of her, or without her knowledge. Zero guilt, absolutely ZERO.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0