dennmu
Well seven months into all this. My anxiety as blown through the roof. And I question everything my spouse says. I can seem to shake some of this. It doesn't help that the op, keeps messaging her, and worst that she responds. She doesn't try to hide it, but will lie to me I ask if she is still talking to him. I'm not really sure what to think, as she tells me that she wants to work through all this, that I am what she wants and that this truly what's she needs. Yet she can't seem to stop responding to this guy. She doesn't start the conversations, but still can't stop responding to him. I asked her why she keeps talking to him, and she says that she still cares about him. I asked her if she loves him and she says no, but that she still cares for him. I feel so stupid. I explain to her that we can't have him in our lives and if she understands that. Which she says she does. I know she finds it difficult, as she is a caretaker. She says she doesn't know how to stop and that's why she's in therapy. I'm not sure what to think about all of it. I have chosen solo therapy for myself, as I feel like might be codependent. Can this work out, or should I be thinking of an exit plan. Bite the bullet and cut my loss?
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surviving
dennmu - as has been said a thousand times on this forum, there must be NO CONTACT whatsoever!  When there is contact, the "love" will continue, even continue to grow.  They must break contact.  When contact is truly broken, they can decide if they want to work on the marriage or not.  When the no contact rule isn't followed, the affair fog is still in force.  Actually, you are new in the process.  We are 28 months from DDay.  There has been NO contact with his AP since DDay.  That is one reassuring fact that gives me "some" comfort.  We have not reconciled, we are in-home separated.  We are talking, but I haven't made a decision yet.  My WS had made a decision to work on the marriage.  There are HUGE changes, but I am not sure I like the new person yet.  Time will tell.  Please give yourself and your wife more time.  Make some boundaries up, tell her what you want and need. and she has to keep them.  The bullet is too soon to bite - give it more time.
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dennmu
Thanks for the advice. That the hard thing, the affair was two years ago and she ended it, but I have only found out six months ago. Like I said she never starts the conversations. She told me last night that she will cut if off, time will tell I guess. That's the only thing left, she doing all that I ask and helping herself as well. The chats every couple of months though has to stop or I will be forced to move on alone. I have drawn the line last night, specifically told her if it continues and I find out, you have worn out your welcome.
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Kalmarjan
Well, the amazing thing about tech today is the ability to block a text. No matter your platform, you can go into the contacts and block the number, making it impossible to recieve texts.

There has to come a time where she understands that in order to be with you, she needs to consider your feelings. No matter what, she can't do this without hurting someone's feelings. She will need to choose.

Trust me on this, I know first hand.

So, lay out the question to her. This isn't acceptable to you, right? Who is it going to be, me or him? Let he know that she can't have both.

Be willing to walk away. This is for you, not for her. If she isn't all in it, then you MUST be willing to walk away.
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surviving
dennmu - you said the affair was two years ago.  I thought I would tell you that my WS's affair started 16 years ago, lasted 14 years, and we are two years from DDay.  I confronted him and he denied it (which is typical).  When he was caught beginning his next affair and lost his job, the truth came out.  That is, it took three months for it all to come out.  He has cheated all 34+ years of our marriage.  I didn't know about most of it.  I was so naive.  I know better now what to look for.  You are right to draw the line.  There are many books and blogs to read to help you out (beside this forum).  One that helped me tremendously is:  "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffen.  Even if your wife isn't sexually addicted, the information will be helpful to you.  
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J
Dennmu,
Of course it's hard for her to sever all ties. What about how hard it is for you if she doesn't? Does she care about that? She's still putting her AP first if she cares more about his feelings being hurt by not responding than your feelings being hurt by her responding.

In my case, I was told that the affair was over three months ago, that my boyfriend was no longer sleeping with his AP. Yet he refused to quit the job where he works with her and they continued texting. I went out of town last weekend and found out he had brought her into our home and had sex with her here while I was away visiting family. I agree with Surviving. No contact means no contact for a reason. The affair doesn't really seem over as long as they continue sharing personal information about their lives. It's too easy to fall back into the physical aspect. You won't be able to stop questioning and rebuild trust while she remains in contact with him.

I can't tell you what to do, but I've chosen to cut my losses and move out with my 11-month-old son. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.
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