sabalias
Firstly, I want to say that the majority of the time I am fine and I'm happy with the way things are progressing since my wife's infidelity. I don't want to go into the detail (but if your interested you can find it in the forum). Long story short though - she had a sexual affair with a guy, when he moved away she looked elsewhere and drifted into internet sex chat and NSA sex with guys she met on a web site. The whole thing made her a bit unwell (due to stress and guilt) but it was the second phase which really made her behave oddly and really damaged her health. I found out about 9 weeks after phase 2 started when she admitted it to me when I asked outright if there was something she wanted to tell me.
My wife decided that she wanted to make a go of our marriage about a week after D-day and I saw true commitment about 2 weeks after that. She has promised that she has not cheated in any way since D-day and also promised not to cheat in the future (these strongly worded promises were not immediate in coming by the way).
My problem (and I think it is MY problem) is that she recently confessed to having used a burner phone during her affair and NSA time but disposed of it the day after she decided she wanted to make a go of the marriage. I shouldn't be surprised really, it's probably very common for WSs to use burner phones; however, she did say that when she sent a text out saying that she was out of the scene one of her contacts wrote back saying 'just agree to everything, keep him sweet, and you can carry on'. My (irrational) worry now is that she may have done exactly that as her decision to make a go of things seems (in retrospect) to have come very quickly in comparison to many of the posts I have read here.
I should also say that I have absolutely no evidence of anything untoward and my wife's behaviour is beyond reproach. Moreover, we are celebrating our 25th anniversary soon and will be renewing our vows. We had a long and emotional talk yesterday and she is worried that I might decide down the line that I have made a mistake; I reassure her by saying (truthfully) that there is no one in the world I would rather be with and that I am certain I want to renew our vows and for us to spend the rest of our lives together.
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sabalias
Update a day later.

My emotions have been improving over the last 24 hours and, as a result, I believe I have been able to think a little more clearly. Anyway, I had an epiphany in the shower this morning; this latest dip (along with previous ones since D-day) is down to me and my overactive imagination. Yes, the destruction of my blissful ignorance on D-day is the ultimate cause for me jumping at shadows, but how much of it is purely down to my own fear of getting hurt again and subconsciously trying to protect myself from that? As things continue to improve and trust grows I sometimes grab at a nearby spanner to throw into the works.

It's like taking that leap of faith, stepping into the void while attached to a bungee or a parachute. In my case it's as though I can't let go of the edge or the aircraft but now, maybe, that's looking like an easier thing to do. I told my wife all of this (boy do we talk nowadays) and it all seemed to click even more. She sat down in front of me, looked me in the eye and ernestly expressed her depth of love for me; then she solemnly promised never to cheat on me again. This was all unlooked for (there have been previous unlooked for assurances) but it was the way she said it at really helped a lot.

So, why am I posting? I guess part of it is so that I can put my own thoughts down to help crystallise them in my own mind, but there is also an element of trying to say that things do get better with time. This is something that we see written in this forum time and again but it really is true, whichever approach someone takes after discovering an affair.
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Heidi
Hi Sabalias, it sounds as though things are much more positive today. I do think sometimes out fear of being vulnerable again can stop us from truly opening ourselves to healing. And i know I have used my pain as a defense mechanism sometimes, like if I keep hold of it I won't be hurt again.

And you're totally right that true healing only comes when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It's wonderful that this insight has allowed you and your wife to communicate and show love to each other.

I think it's good to that you've seen that in reconciling our WS are showing vulnerability too. That only by empathising and communicating can we heal together. I'm discovering this a little more every day.

I grinned at your mention of talking a lot. We do that too. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's positive but it's always real and honest.

The other thing I think is we have to trust ourselves that if things ever go wrong in the future, we will be okay. That helps me show my vulnerability too!

Lovely to see such a heartwarming post. Thanks for sharing.
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