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Onestepatatime
no not tied to any of our accounts  he says he has plugged it to his wok computer before but says he doesn't back up his phone
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EasyAsABC
he has an iphone 10 through at&t,  Not on the kids and my plan because his company pays for it 


If he synchs through the cloud, you could potentially reset to the last back up date, provided the last back up date was before he deleted everything. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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anthro
Assume (and it is a reasonable assumption) that he sent dïck pics and sexted and all the rest. Does it make any difference to you? It is all part and parcel of the big thing he did. Exactly which boxes are ticked doesn't change the job you have ahead of you if you try to stay together. (Which, as things stand, is not going to be achievable given his attitude.)

I am not saying you are wrong to want to know, but there will always be things you don't know. Always. If you find out what they said by text you still won't know what they said in bed, or how they bickered when he got jealous about her, or she said something scornful about you, or he did. So you might as well assume it was as bad as it gets and see if that feels like something you can ever come to live with. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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hurting
I understand the feeling of NEEDING to know. God knows I felt it too. Mine also deleted all the messages etc. and because they’re liars, there’s no way of knowing what is true and what is not. I KNOW. Mine subjected me to trickle truth, being the cowardly POS that he was. I dug and dug for information for many many months because he was too cowardly to come out with the truth. That in combination with his lies were the things that held me back the most from healing.

Having said that... I am going to warn you to proceed with caution. Not for his sake. He needs to let you have full rein and do whatever YOU feel is necessary. I warn you for your own sake. 

The assumption that he did the worst you can think up is a pretty safe one to go with. The reason I want to say to be cautious is because the things you will read and learn will damage YOU. I’m not talking about the knowledge of what they did... I’m talking about the exact words. Phrases. All that stuff. I had the opportunity to restore a back up several months down the line from d-day to find out the truth... because I’m pretty sure there was still a whole lot I didn’t know for sure. I ended up deleting the back up. The few messages I did see gave me severe PTSD like symptoms for over a year. 

Of course, this is going to depend upon where you are at and where things are headed. If you need evidence to proceed with a divorce, then yes I agree that you need it all. Otherwise, proceed with caution. You DO need to know the extent and timeline, absolutely. But look after yourself... some things may be more damaging to read and see directly... and reading the exact words, texts, counting how many there were? I don’t believe any of that will really change your decision in the end. Would you choose to stay because there were 500 texts instead of 1000? Because he did or didn’t text the words ‘I love you’ to her? Even if that were the case, you won’t know that he didn’t say it in person. Will that be the deciding factor for whether you stay or go?

I agree with the other advice you’ve been given. Get an STD rest (I did as soon as I found out). I made him get one too, and show me the results. Speak to a lawyer. Get your finances in order. Even if you do not seperate, having an exit plan will help you. Part of the fear is going to be from uncertainty... taking active steps to put in place a plan helps to address that.

What he did was his own (extremely stupid and poor) choice. You do not need the texts to prove that to you. He wanted to do it, and he did. She could not have forced him to if he hadn’t wanted to do so himself.

The rage, anger, horrific pain, grief, disbelief... it’s all ‘normal’. And it’s ok. Don’t force yourself to act ‘ok’ for his sake. You are allowed to not be ok. My rage didn’t subside for over a year. I didn’t just want to punch them in the face over and over again. I wanted to do so much worse. I contemplated drugging my WS and giving him some major degloving injuries with a butter knife to appendages he sure didn’t deserve to have. Then maybe force feeding the remains to him. I didn’t because firstly that isn’t really me- that’s the rage, hate and pain trying to find some kind of relief. And I also REALLY didn’t want to go to jail (neither he nor the AP are worth it!!) or be locked up in an asylum.

And on that happy note, I am going in a lunch date with my WS. It IS possible to recover from this (I’m still in the process of doing so myself), but it’s a LONG and painful road...
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triplehooks
While I agree with some of the first steps advice you are getting above, I disagree wholeheartedly with the “look away” advice (as in, look away from the ACTUAL texts and other evidence).  

There is SO much bad behavior a cheater makes you endure, if you don’t take control of the situation.  Basically 100% of them are totally selfish a$$holes who at the moment don’t give two flying f@cks about their spouse.  

On the issue of disclosure I believe you need to get as close to the absolute dirt and see if you can stomach it.  When I learned my wife f@cked another dude repeatedly, I could not bear the thought but at the same time I wanted so badly to recover “us” and restore our family to its “pre-f@cking other dude state”, that my own mind played tricks on me to tell itself it could find a way to accept that.  But then I learned that motherf@cker has herpes (types 1 AND 2), had slept w approx 100 people in his lifetime (now, er, 101), and that they messaged each other all manner of stupid bull$hit.  I was particularly hurt that dumba$$ wifey was SO unoriginal that she had to steal a sweet phrase our daughter used with US to tell us how much she loved us, and say that to HIM.... HERPESboy!!!

Investigating it all and getting the ABSOLUTE final turd pile helped me see how f@cking awful her judgment was/is, and allowed me to fully and finally comprehend that she is not worthy to hold my heart in her hands, she is not worthy to hold my LIFE in her hands (this is what marriage IS).   

Then I benchmarked her against all possible options that would be available if I were in the market.  I realized if I were dating someone and learned they had done THIS, I would run as far and as fast as I could AWAY from them.  So, if I wouldn’t even DATE a person with this track record, why would I give the REST of my life to her.  NOPE nopety nope nope.  That’s a hard one to get past.  I left room for a miracle and waited to see it but so far it hasn’t appeared and I have a hard time believing it will.  

But my original point is the details will snap your head on right and allow you to see and fully appreciate what actually happened.  If you can stomach that and find a way forward with him, more power to you.  But you should do your best NOT to f@ck yourself over by giving in to the mindf@ck they put you through, and the one you will put yourself through.  Get the details. 

Now to succeed at getting this you basically need leverage.   That can be in the form of HARDA$$ boundaries or a PI or both.  You can try and get the goods from the OW, but if she has no significant other and lives in a trailer she may lack the anchors that can be used for leverage.  Texas has no alienation of affection laws so that’s not an avenue and although MS does I doubt you could get her there to face a civil suit.  

Stuff you should hit your husband with right now if you want the full truth, you can take it in stages:

first get your ducks in a row and don’t tell him.  That means hire an attorney and gather what you can with what you have access to yourself.  Then, confront him about signing a post-nup.  If he won’t do it, file for divorce immediately.   

He needs to sign a post-nup that protects you as of right now, if you are trying to work it out the risk of that should be on him, not on you.  It’s basically a pre-packaged divorce settlement so you know the terms with which you can walk away and you aren’t giving up divorce on grounds of adultery by re-engaging in reconciliation type activities.  If he refuses you know where you stand, move to divorce first ask questions later.  Sounds like you were a SAHM forever.  Man this action of his REALLY screws you over.  Don’t let him get away with it.  Strike hard and strike now to protect yourself.  You can be kind to him later if he behaves right.  But right now you need to get him by the short and curlies and pull until he screams uncle. He is a selfish entitled A$$HOLE and you really don’t need to treat him like a fragile baby. You need to protect YOU.  

As part of that post-nup he has to give you whatever you want on discovery which should be at a minimum a copy of all phone bills from work phone, all financial records including credit reports AND chexsystems report (this will show all bank accounts).  He especially needs to recover ALL texts and hand them over, and if he refuses, then tell him the only acceptable thing after that is a 
polygraph.

If he drags his feet and gives you a bunch I just need space crap don’t take it.  Tell him that’s fine he can enjoy his space from behind the line of divorce, that you plan to be moving on and entertaining all manner of better options than him.  If he has insecurities go right for the jugular (“I will be looking for more loving and kind, better helper around the house, better mother in law package, better parenting skills, better earner, bigger wang, better sex” — whatever — point is let him know he isn’t God’s f@cking gift to women and you are ALSO able to knock him on his A$$ if you so desire).

Make him realize he's destroyed everything, that he can’t just assume he can have you and that if he wants to rebuild something with you, HE has to do all the work and you’re not lifting one f@cking finger.  He wants you?  You’re at the top of the mountain and he’s got to climb it from the bottom.  When you see him giving you what you need (I doubt he will be capable of this) you can turn it down a little.  But for now, focus on what a POS he is and has been.  And PUT.HIM.IN.HIS.PLACE.

You sound like a loyal, kind person, kind of like most of us who devote ourselves fully and our partners f@ck other people.  What I’m suggesting is probably un-natural for you.  It’s all a very unnatural set of attitudes and actions for me as well.   It’s basically an extreme 180.  But it’s all there is to snap them out of this time robbing bull$hit of thinking their way out of the s$ithole they’ve put themselves in.  He’s already robbed you of a year. No screw that — he’s robbed you of EVERY year you’ve been together. Because I know you didn’t put all that blood sweat and tears into this to get THIS result.  If I could I would sue my wife for EVERY year she invalidated and rendered useless by f@cking that imbecile with herpes.  I’m sure you can do better than this A$$HOLE.  Let him know you know this. 

Put him in his place. 

One last thing. F@cking someone else is a physical manifestation of disloyalty so powerful I believe for true healing it requires an act equally powerful disloyalty against the other person they f@cked.  Think about what that would be for you.  For me it’s “I’m sorry but you need to sue that motherf@cker in a court of law or i’m just not believing you are back on my team.  You’re still team-herpeboy until you show him you are disloyal to him. Burn that bridge with him finally and completely like you burned me alive in that coffin.”


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hurting
I think I need to be clear- I’m absolutely not advising anyone to ‘look away’. What I am saying is that sometimes knowing highly specific details can cause significant PTSD type symptoms. Of course, this advice if ONLY applicable if you actually HAVE the information you need about what happened. It does NOT apply to case where you have to dig and drag every bit of information out of them. 

What I’m trying to say is not so much ‘don’t look too closely’, as ‘if you do know what happened, do not continue to torture yourself with details’. Perhaps not so applicable in this case, but sometimes KNOWING the exact disgusting detail rather than knowing that something happened can cause significant distress. 

I felt the need to learn details. I learned of some things that became huge triggers and intrusive thoughts, which in the grand scheme of things I knew would’ve happened, but didn’t actually need described to me in detail (as I demanded at the time) 🙁 with texts, I think if you read them, perhaps trying to not dissect every detail and torture yourself over every single thing in there would be better (for me anyway). Of course, we are all different in what we need. This is a lot easier to say now at 20+ months than it was at 6 months in. I can see rectrospectively what would’ve been better for me. I can also remember the burning urge to dig out every last scrap of information I could.
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surviving
I wanted every detail.  My thought was, I want him to be tortured in admitting what he did and with whom.  Little did I know that there were many "whom's."  Yes, the details caused PTSD, but I have gotten away from some of that since we are almost six years past DDay (next month).  It certainly is up to the BS, not the WS!  All questions must be answered by the WS, from now 'til eternity.  They gave up the right to have secrets.
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hurting
I kind of suspect that someone who is not remorseful won’t be tortured by that information at all...
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stillme
You need to know the information. And, it isn't simply for the sake of knowing, but for your own health and safety.

Yes, now need to go and be tested to ensure your husband didn't bring home any sexually transmitted infections/diseases. However, you also want to know if he was engaging in risky behavior beyond sleeping with this one neighbor. The way the story is recounted above, he initiated the affair. He supposedly dumped him, but he still doesn't want to show his phone.

For your own health and safety, you need to know if there is just one person he potentially acquired an illness from or multiple people. 

Yes, your mental and emotional health is important. Your physical health is important as well and infidelity puts your physical health in jeopardy. 

Did he wear a condom each time? If so - that means significant planning went into this affair, it didn't "just happen". If it "just happened", chances are protection wasn't used - meaning you are also at risk.

With my WS - I required a full STD screening with proof of the results. Thankfully, he didn't pick anything up. I also had my own health screening done (just in case he did bring something home, but it didn't show up on his screening). If he flinches about going to get tested - know it will be even more important that you find out details.

This is why infidelity is so horrible - it impacts you is a lot of ways. Because I never imagined my husband or I needed to go get screen for STIs/STDs after being married to each other for more than a decade at the time of D-Day. I also think adding in that step helped my WS to further realize just how much fire he was playing with in his behavior. So - he was thankfully clean, but also got to have a 'scared straight' moments while he worked with professionals and did the hard work on his own mental and emotional self. 
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hurting
I would definitely suggest both of you getting tested. I made my WS do it twice. I’m not sure (no idea really) whether there was any new contact the second time, but it was after d-day number two. He apparently told his Doctor he hadn’t slept with anyone since his first test, so they said ‘well we don’t need to test then’. 

I sent him back immediately saying NO FCKING WAY. You’re a liar. Of course the Doctor will say that if you tell them that. Not getting tested is NOT AN OPTION. I am demanding a repeat FULL SCREEN. Do it or leave.

He got to explain to them why he had to come back for another screen after being sent away. As a fellow health care provider, I can only imagine what he had to say to explain THAT particular situation. 
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Keepabuzz
I made my wife get a full STD test done as well.  In hind sight I should have gone with her. Who knows what she said to get the test. For all I know she could have said I had cheated and she wanted to make sure she was ok for all I know. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Experiencethedevine29
I made my husband get tested and went with him to be tested myself also.  

I was astonished when he said, “But I haven’t got anything ”.... ffs..😂😂🤣🤣..knob..🙄

The most satisfying thing for me was then, I knew what they were going to do to him (older testing, more ‘invasive’), he had no idea, and I never said a word.

i got GREAT satisfaction from the look on his face when he came out..he was absolutely mortified,and I laughed so much I nearly turned myself inside out!! 😂😂😂.. oh what fun...😁

ETD 🌻
Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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