Onestepatatime
i am new to this forum. Married 27 years just found out my husband (51) had been having an affair for the past year with a 27 year old child. I feel so broken. I have So many emotions, it is like a rollercoaster. He gets mad if I am crying. He is showing no remorse. He says I love you. I made a mistake. I want us to work out. I want to fall in love with you again. He deleted all text messages from his iPhone and I watch so I have nothing to go on but what he tells me. I love my husband so much, but I feel like I am the only one. Can anyone give me some guidance?
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Fionarob
Hello Onestepatatime
I am so sorry you have had to come here and many of us will understand the absolute devastation you are feeling right now.  My advice is as your user name says - take it one step at a time.  Do not try to make any plans or decisions right now.  Your head is too all over the place to know what you want.  Just focus on getting through each day until you can start to think about things more clearly.  Your husband has no right to get mad if you are crying, how dare he.  Cry as much as you need to, which in my experience, will be a lot!  The fact that he shows no remorse and wants you to stop crying, indicates he has no empathy for you and is still thinking all about himself and being incredibly selfish.  If I were you, I would probably avoid any confrontation or talks with him while he is like that, it will just end up making you feel worse. 

There are many helpful articles on this website, read them.  It will help you gain some clarity.
What your husband is telling you now may not be the whole truth and it is likely you will find out other things later on down the line.  Be prepared for that.  The wayward spouse likes to only reveal the bare minimum that they can get away with.
Has he cut all contact with the affair partner?

Your husband says he wants it to work out?  Then he has got a lot of work to do, starting with allowing you to cry and express your emotions.  He cannot expect you to shut that away just because it makes him feel shameful and guilty.  You cannot recover from this and fix your marriage by yourself, he needs to be doing the right things, starting now. 
Stay on this forum and talk as much as you need to , it really helps and there are so many people here who want to help you.
Take care of yourself.
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TimT
Look through the index of Recover Room podcasts (affairhealing.com/podcast) and you'll find some that especially apply to you. I'm also uploading a guide I created a couple of years ago that provides a "path forward" for you both. If he is not willing to do his part, you remain at risk with him. 
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Vanessa
someone who can maintain a secret double life for a YEAR is a VERY good liar.  Remember that.  His words are nothing.  base your decisions ONLY on his actions.
Are his actions of wanting to sweep this under the rug and minimize the pain he has caused you acceptable?  You get to decide what kind of relationship you have, you are not bound to accept whatever he decides is OK
wishing you peace on this horrific journey
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Damaged
Hi Onestep, Your story is very similar to mine . WH was 52 and AP 26 when it started. We had been married 25 years. WH was willing to do anything, but we did have a D day 2 with continued contact with AP. I’m almost 3 years out . The first 2 years were really rough but things have gotten so much better for me. It’s said that it takes 2-5 years to recover.                                                            Can you tell us more about your situation? Is he her boss? How did you find out? Did he tell you or was it discovered? Do you have kids? Are you a SAHM or do you work outside the home?                                           Gently, how I’m going to tell you a few things that are tough to hear . I wish someone would have told me early on.   1) get STD testing, it’s rare that condoms are used . My WH lied about this at first. 2) Whatever you know it’s just the tip of the iceberg. If he said it was 1 year it was probably longer. If he said they had sex twice , it’s was probably twice a week or closer to 20-200 times. “ Cheaters lie and they lie a lot!”.  I just assumed that he would be honest with me after D day. This is usually not the case. 3) Get your financials in order. Put together everything that you can. Old tax documents, charge card information. He may have hidden accounts that you don’t know about.  4) If you discovered the A it’s probably still ongoing. He will take it underground using a burner phone or phone apps. Don’t assume that it’s over. 5) This may not be his first affair.                                         I know that I’ve hit you with a lot!  Couples can and do R. Keep posting. We are here to help. 
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Keepabuzz
Yes all of this 👆👆👆.  Gather all the proof you can in case you decide to divorce. Get a safe deposit box at the bank and store the proof there. Also, you owe him exactly nothing!  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Onestepatatime
He currently lives in Austin, TX.  He had a job in MS where we live but the business closed their doors and no other company in MS does what he does.  We have two boys.  One is 22 and the other 19.  The 19 year old is in Community College close to home and will finish in one semester.  He graduated high school early, very smart, but still very unsure of himself and clings too much to me.  I stayed home with both the boys while my husband grew in his career and the plans were to move to Austin when son finishes and then he will continue at the Univ of Austin.  It has been hard trying to maintain our lives living apart and trying to see each other on weekends.  Then his work got extremely busy and we began to meet less and less.  I didn't think anything of it because he has always been a workaholic. He lives in our RV in an RV park and the 27 year old AP lives beside him.  I had met her many times and she would walk his dog when he had to work late.  Just neighbors, but then he said they would sit out and drink and talk until the morning hours.  He always put his work ahead of me so I never would have assumed that he would take time away from work to pursue other interest with her.  He said he started it one night they were watching a movie and he put his arm around her. Then the next time he had worked out and come home with his calves cramping so she massaged them.  This was all emotional at first.  Then one night they both got drunk and slept together.  When it was over she immediately ran out and back to her place.  He said over the year they had sex about 9 times.  He said she was into open relationships and turned him onto some podcast about Polygamy. Then she met someone and told him about it.  She moved in with this other person and told my husband that the age difference was just too great and they were never going to be more then what they were.  My husband said that this hurt him. He didn't love her but he enjoyed her and her company and that is what he missed.  So our youngest went to Austin for the summer.  Husband admitted last time he and AP were together were two weeks before our son arrived.  She spent time with our son and got him involved with her Krav Maga class there.  Again I had no idea of any of this.  Our son said he was doing a lot of things on his own because husband was always working.  This is so typical.  Anyway end of summer husband and son come to MS and he immediately wakes me at 3 am for some close time.  I still have no idea.  Takes me on a date 7/28/19 and someone calls me on my phone and he needs directions to the place we found on yelp.  I said give me your phone so I can map it for you and he angrily said NO!.  I'm like (joking) what are you worried I am going to see your girlfriends text messages to you?  That look on his face is permanently burned into my brain.  I will never forget that look as long as I live.  Immediately I got sick to my stomach.  It was dark and we were not in a good part of town, but when he stopped for a red light I just got out of the car and started walking.  I was crying uncontrollably  text our youngest son my location and asked him to come and get me..The rest has just been a blur from there
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EasyAsABC
Your husbands AP moving on before DDay is probably not helping his indifference right now. I know that was the case with my husband, how could I possibly be angry at him when he had ultimately been rejected by one of his APs? 🙄. It’s part of that need for their ego to be stroked. Until he gets over the fact that she moved on before he was ready to end things, you may not see the remorse you need to see from him. 

I saw in another thread that you paid to get all of her personal information. I would advise that you only use that information if there is something you feel you need to say to her directly, or ask her directly. I’d keep it to a one time contact if needed, and then never contact her again (if at all). There is usually more truth to the story you get from the AP, they have no vested interest in sparing your feelings. Avoid repeated, angry contact, and avoid the urge to publicly shame her. These could come back to haunt you later. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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Damaged
In your other tread you stated that you wanted to recall text messages. Apparently there are several apps that sometimes recall deleted text messages. ? Phone Lab ? Or something like that. You could google it and see what happens.                             Also make sure both of you are tested for STDs . She is into polygamy 😳.
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Damaged
Something seems fishy here. So it ended earlier but he didn’t want you to see his phone on 7/28?? Either they were still texting or he was texting someone else or he kept her old texts. Something doesn’t add up. When did he say it ended? You need to to make a written timeline. 
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Onestepatatime
Exactly  that is why I really need to see the text messages.  I need this to find closure.  He claims the messages were i cant wait to seen you  I miss you  No pics no sexting.  I just can't believe him and need to see the messages to be sure. If they were that innocent then why not let me see them
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Keepabuzz
Exactly  that is why I really need to see the text messages.  I need this to find closure.  He claims the messages were i cant wait to seen you  I miss you  No pics no sexting.  I just can't believe him and need to see the messages to be sure. If they were that innocent then why not let me see them


Do not believe a single word he says. Demand proof. I would assume the worst and make him provide proof to show otherwise. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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EasyAsABC
Exactly  that is why I really need to see the text messages.  I need this to find closure.  He claims the messages were i cant wait to seen you  I miss you  No pics no sexting.  I just can't believe him and need to see the messages to be sure. If they were that innocent then why not let me see them


What kind of phone does he have? 
Was it text messaging (as in it shows up on your bill), or a texting app, like WhatsApp, Kik, etc...?
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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Onestepatatime
he has an iphone 10 through at&t,  Not on the kids and my plan because his company pays for it 
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Keepabuzz
he has an iphone 10 through at&t,  Not on the kids and my plan because his company pays for it 


Is it tied to your family iTunes account? I also have a company iPhone, but the iTunes account is my personal one. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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