I do understand the source of your pain. At the time of our Dday I was not chosen, there was no remorse shown and she did not ask for or want forgiveness from me. The remorse, and asking for forgiveness, took months and months (and a physical seperation) to appear. I do think, had I been picked over her AP and remorse shown immediately, we would be much further along than we are now. But my wife has now owned what she did and how devastating it was to me and our family. She is trying to make the necessary changes in her life and our relationship to "fix" it. And for that I do appreciate her. She probably does not know this and I need to let her know more often.
As far as what behaviors are causing me frustration, at this time I do not want to go into much detail (sorry) but it does not involve any communication with her AP ( that is one of my non negotiables as I do believe any communication, or attempted commmunucation, with the AP would be disastrous and be an ending event). We are working with a Marriage Counselor on those things. Even though we (the BS) were betrayed we really cannot force any type of behavior by the WS no matter how logical we think that behavior is. The WS needs to make the decision on their own. If we try to force it, and they don't want to do it, I know it will not last. Or if they do it then it will just cause resentment which is never good. Now I will be honest and say this is a new way of thinking about things by me (last few days) and it is tough. The struggle is (for me) am I being a pushover by not being bothered by some things, or am I being supportive of her and because of the 10 things she is doing right allows some grace on other things? Maybe/maybe not, I don't know. Am I expecting perfection from an imperfect event? Again this is new territory for me. I do not have all the answers but I think some of the ways I reacted (previous to a few days ago) were pushing me away from her and vice versa. I need to change too as if our marriage was exactly like it was before the affair we will not last and neither one of us will be happy.
But on the other side of the coin, I am no longer naive, or have blinders on. Forgiveness may be mine to give, but trust is hers to earn.
Oh I completely agree about not forcing change it has to come from them. Our stories are similar my husband "chose" the OW when given the choice to stop all contact with her or leave who then dumped him. And there was no remorse. He was cold and cruel even to the children. Months later he did say he only chose what seemed easiest at that moment and I can believe that somewhat. So as Anna said I also felt like last resort. For me that was why in the beginning when I wanted the marriage so badly it was me trying to force him or convince him to give me what I needed to feel like his only choice and like he truly had remorse. So even though he was saying he wanted the marriage the actions weren't there. And it took me Sadly months to realize the right way of thinking was he had to willingly of his own free choice want to meet my needs to save the marriage. That me demanding anything wasn't going to satisfy me. And that I only truly wanted the marriage if he did make those choices willingly.
I guess that's more what I was asking about your frustrations was getting an idea the methods others used to get over the bumps, not personal details because sometimes I do wonder if I expected too much to soon. Like do those in counseling have these bumps & it takes discussion and a period of time before change is seen in the WS? Although mine wasn't willing or offering to do counseling so there was no real working at it involved. For example even saying he wanted the marriage and to rebuild trust he would hide and be elusive about trivial things. He would say can't see the kids today I have other things to do. And never elaborate. Which to me isn't building trust. When I would hear later All he did was go to visit his parents. And this was after no contact with OW. And in 16 yrs of our marriage that was never natural for us. Neither of us ever just said did some stuff today. It was more natural to say oh went to the grocery store and stopped to visit so and so.
This complete sudden desire for secrets however trivial to me seemed a defiant I don't care if you trust me or I don't care to tell you anything which was a deal breaker for me. One of many. Especially because never in our marriage had this existed. And especially after an affair. It was never about control it was just that being open came natural in all our years together. I never felt I "had" to tell my husband where id been just why wouldn't I you know? Nothing to hide -you hide nothing.
So it's sudden appearance to me was a show of him definAtely not being all in
For the marriage. So I guess I answered my own question. Lol I wasn't expecting too much it was just a deal breaker. If you don't care that you destroyed my trust in you then there's really no marriage. Had he wanted to rebuild or cared about my feelings he would have worked on his own at building trust.
For Anna I do believe had my husband wanted the marriage and willingly chose to put my feelings first and worked at rebuilding the trust and marriage then that work & commitment could have helped ease that 2nd best feeling. Because no one works hard for a last resort. They just figure well it's there i guess I'll take it-no effort or work to show commitment. When they're all in it will show. So I think if your husband decides to be all in for the marriage and really works at it then I think eventually those feelings will subside. Just my opinion of how I would have felt. I notice in the marriages that the WS is working hard there's always an obvious remorse and moment of omg what did I do to you how could I etc. Even if it comes later after no contact with OW is established. There's like a sudden awakening it seems and in it I think is what many of us need-the remorse the validation for our pain the actions that show how they hurt for hurting you. I hope your husbands awakening happens soon for you. I know how painful it is.