astar1007

I think my WS is still in the fog.  D-day was Oct. 14th.  Since that day, he has broken it off with AP, confessed his undying love for me, and then broke my heart again.  About 3 times.  
This last time, it's my last.  Each time he did this, it was 'never' about her, or going back to her.  He would lie.  It always resulted in his being back with her in some way.  Even though, he would say she is crazy, obsessed, jealous and controlling.  Why would he keep going back?  Not that it matters, but she is married still as well. HER husband told me of the affair.

So still to this day, he lies about her.  To me, his family, everyone.  But I see everything. Bank charges, that lead to her street.  The constant meals out.  Everything.  I know the truth.  

We have been separated since D-day.  He doesn't live with my son or I.  So I never really know what he's doing.  But does the lying and back and forth seem like fog?  Or does he really want to be with her?

Either way, we are over.  I have filed for divorce for good.  I can't take this anymore and I don't deserve this.  His attitude and demeanor are nothing I have ever seen from him.  He calls me the c word constantly. He is manipulative and just plain mean.  I am not a Dr. but he shows so many symptoms per se of being a sociopath or narcissist.  

I know the marriage is over.  And I am breaking inside.  How does someone turn into this person.  Destroying live and not giving a damn?!!  Kal?  Urban?  I have read so many things about affair fog from you...  Help me understand so I can move forward.

Hopefully, one day he realizes what he has truly done.  
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Heidi
Astar, I'm not a WS but I hear your pain. You offered your WS the incredible gift of reconciliation and had it thrown back in your face. And it hurts.

But you are strong. So strong. And your words make me proud of you. You are an amazing person full of compassion and strength. His awful choice are his, and are no reflection of the person you are.

Keep going. Stay strong. There's a wonderful story ahead of you. You just have to be ready to live it.
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sunflower07
Oh Astar,

I am so sorry. I remember that you sent me a message. I'm sorry that things are over for you and your husband.

Sounds like you gave him so much and so many chances to make this right. Hold your head up proudly! You didn't do this, he did!

The future is yours! Good things will come your way!
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UrbanExplorer
I'm so sorry he is treating you like this, between the ping pong affair and the verbal attacks. None of this is your fault, and he knows it on some level. I can guarantee that.

I highly doubt his affair is going to lead to a real relationship with her. It's probably emotionally manipulative and addictive and will flame out. The main reason I had trouble ending all contact with my AP was the massive headgame he was playing. I was able to save myself and have some chance with my marriage before it was too late.

That doesn't mean you need to wait for him to wise up instead of divorcing him, but it might mean genuine remorse, a genuine apology, and a better coparenting relationship with him down the road.
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astar1007

Thanks for your kind words.  It is really nice to read things like that when you are having a difficult day.

It probably just sounds like jealousy, but I really hope their relationship doesn't last.  NOT because I want to be with him, but for everyone else's sake. She is far from good.  My WS makes make bad decisions when he is with her, and that in turn affects our son.  She is not a good parent to her own child, so I am doing everything in my power to keep her away from our son as long as I can.  His parents are also completely against the affair and his choices, but they are too passive to say anything because he will go off on them as well.

We have court today.  I hope to be able to get through it and stick to my guns.  He is very good at getting in my head and turning things around.  
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Fionarob
astar

Our stories share many similarities.......as I am sure many people's do on this forum!

My husband also told me he wanted me, wanted us, loved me etc etc and then broke my heart over and over again with each new d day. 

He also used to complain about the AP - drama queen, manipulative, needy......even described her as a liability!

He lied to me and his family so much I think sometimes he got tangled in his own lies.........is even still doing it now, even though we are separated!  He forgets so much of what he has said because it was all lies, that he often trips himself up.  It's worrying that a grown man can lie so much that he can't even remember what he's said.  But I remember it all.

He also became a person I didn't recognise towards me and his children.  Swearing and name calling that I hadn't ever seen in 20 years of knowing him.

I was also like you.........in the end I had enough, knew I deserved better, but it took me a long time - over two years. But I chose to end it and he has gone to be with her. (we were living together the whole time, never separated until I said enough.)

He had it all, beautiful home, gorgeous children, comfortable lifestyle, loyal and loving wife -  he was willing to keep taking the risk of losing it and so he has.

Believe that there are better things in store for you.  Yes it is hard, it is painful, it is tough.  But you have made the right decision for you and your son. 

I saw this yesterday......"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.  Tip toe if you must, but take the step." 
It sounds like you have already taken that step onto a much better.  Stay strong.


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blythespirit
Fionarob, I'm sorry if I've missed some of your story, but when you say your WH has gone to be with his AP, do you mean that he is living with her?
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Broken
Hello I'm so sorry things are not working. Sometimes it helps to take your control back. As soon as I took back my control things changed for me. I bet a lot of people would not engage in infidelity if they knew it was illegal in some states.
Yes, adultery is a crime in New York. Under Penal Law section 255.17 a person is guilty of adultery when he or she engages in sexual intercourse with another person at a time when he or she has a living spouse. Adultery is a class "B" misdemeanor. A class B misdemeanor is punishable by up to 90 days in jail or a $500 fine.
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UrbanExplorer
Unfortunately, I think many people would just try harder to hide it. People even cheat in places where it is punishable by death. It isn't a rational decision.
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Dirazz
Kings have left thrones and countries have fallen all over sex. It's been that way since the beginning of time. If only people knew all the heartache and utter devastation it really causes. I don't even that would help sadly[frown]
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Kalmarjan
astar1007 wrote:
I think my WS is still in the fog.  D-day was Oct. 14th.  Since that day, he has broken it off with AP, confessed his undying love for me, and then broke my heart again.  About 3 times.  
This last time, it's my last.  Each time he did this, it was 'never' about her, or going back to her.  He would lie.  It always resulted in his being back with her in some way.  Even though, he would say she is crazy, obsessed, jealous and controlling.  Why would he keep going back?  Not that it matters, but she is married still as well. HER husband told me of the affair.

So still to this day, he lies about her.  To me, his family, everyone.  But I see everything. Bank charges, that lead to her street.  The constant meals out.  Everything.  I know the truth.  

We have been separated since D-day.  He doesn't live with my son or I.  So I never really know what he's doing.  But does the lying and back and forth seem like fog?  Or does he really want to be with her?

Either way, we are over.  I have filed for divorce for good.  I can't take this anymore and I don't deserve this.  His attitude and demeanor are nothing I have ever seen from him.  He calls me the c word constantly. He is manipulative and just plain mean.  I am not a Dr. but he shows so many symptoms per se of being a sociopath or narcissist.  

I know the marriage is over.  And I am breaking inside.  How does someone turn into this person.  Destroying live and not giving a damn?!!  Kal?  Urban?  I have read so many things about affair fog from you...  Help me understand so I can move forward.

Hopefully, one day he realizes what he has truly done.  


Sorry, I just saw this post today.

Ah, the affair fog. Our of your entire post, one comment resonates. It's not about you, her, or anyone. All of this is about him. He is incapable of thinking about what his actions are doing to you because he is too busy wrapped up in his own life. He is literally living his life like you were not in it, and this is why you don't recognize him.

None of this is your fault. He has gone into an unhealthy state where he believes that he has a shortcut to happiness by passive aggressiveness. Instead of talking to you about what he needs, wants, and is missing, he figures he can fill it, find it, without you.

Unless he pulls his head out of his ass, he won't change.

You need to work on you, and getting yourself better. Part of the problem with this situation is you may find your happiness attached to his outcome, what he chooses. The problem with that is you have no control over that outcome. Your happiness shouldn't be predicated on the choice of another individual. It has to come within you.

I'm not saying your situation doesn't suck. It most certainly does. But nothing anyone can say will change your husband's mind, except himself. I think all WS come to a realization that what they are doing sucks. I hope it's not too late in your husband's case. It won't matter to you though, because you know what?

In all of this situation, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Just remember. It doesn't have to be with HIM.
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Fionarob
blythespirit

sorry - just seen your question from a few days ago.  When I say my h has 'gone to be with his AP' he is has not actually moved in with her completely.  He is living at his parents but stays with her a lot of the time I would imagine. I actually have very little clue as to his whereabouts most of the time as I no longer ask him. He uses his parents as his base when he has our children to visit.  He is apparently staying at his parents until he has saved a deposit for his own place......I actually think he will end up moving in with his AP, but time will tell.

One thing I know for certain is that he is still in a relationship with the AP as he has taken our children to meet her.  This is despite him claiming for months on end that the affair was over and done with.
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blythespirit
I'm so sorry, Fionarob. I wonder, though, if he wanted to move in with his AP, and is now able to, why do you think he hasn't already? Seems that he could still use his parents house as a base if discomfort bringing the kids to the OW's house was stopping him from moving in with her. Perhaps all is not as rosy with her as it appears.
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Fionarob
blythespirit

To be honest he may live with the AP most of the time, I really don't know what his whereabouts are and I don't ask.  I can imagine he spends the majority of his time at her place.  However, I am quite sure the major problem in permanently moving in is that her daughter lives there all the time and he has always said he would never be able to get his head around living with somebody else's child and away from his own. 

Needless to say, despite that fear it was never enough for him to end the affair and commit 100% to his own wife and two children.  So now he has to face a huge dilemma and I can imagine he is struggling to know what to do.  He is basically stuck in a terrible situation where I have finally chucked him out and he has ended up with the AP, who he always claimed he would never choose over me.  So why did he think he could have both?  He was living in a dream world and now reality has hit him hard.
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blythespirit
My WS has always said, as well, that he doesn't want to be a father to anyone else's children. His AP has two, but she divorced her husband and moved into an apartment, leaving the children with her ex. (One more very fine feather in her cap, I might add.) In theory, there's no reason why he couldn't have moved in with her as soon as I kicked him out. And yet he hasn't. Despite her invitation to do so.

The why is a huge question for me. Is it that he's uncomfortable having the kids come over to a house he shares with her? Maybe. Our kids know who she is and so would obviously have questions about how that relationship came about. He could, however, just see them here as he does now and they wouldn't be any the wiser. In theory.

I choose to believe him when he says that he hasn't moved in with her because he doesn't want to. Even though there's really no reason to believe anything he says about her. But I do. I believe (and this is what he tells me) that he won't come home because he doesn't want to make a decision about his future with me. Perhaps I'm a fool for believing that but I would rather be a fool (again) than to assume the worst. To me, it says a lot that he is staying where he is (on his own) and not living with her. He's headstrong and stubborn and if he really wanted to be with her I think he would be. Caution be damned, he would do it.

I just wonder whether your husband did mean it when he said he would never choose her over you. Are you really sure that his struggle is about her over you, or is it possible that he, like I believe about my husband, is simply struggling with himself and you. If they don't know whether they can make it work with us (regardless of how we feel about the validity of that question) I think I understand why they won't let go of the OW. Perhaps the OW is the consolation prize?? Just a thought, one that I'm wrestling with as well. I don't know the answer.
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