Kal, having been to my first Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting today and doing a ton of reading, not all men are sex addicts. It turns my stomach. It's not only about the sex, it's about the stuff that's discussed (and not discussed) here. Turns out I fit the bill, that's why my stomach is turning.
My wife is gone. New house settling in two weeks, no chance of reconciliation. Would this have come up if she'd stayed? I don't think so. Time to man up to my responsibilities, while doing some work on myself.
I hear you there. What I was trying to say was that the way my friend passed off the responsibility for his actions as a "sex addiction" and because of that it "wasn't his fault." When I asked him what he defined as "sex addiction," it didn't add up. By his definition, all guys would be addicts.
I think his problem doesn't stem from a sex addiction, just an obvious lack of boundaries. To cite the FB example, he allowed himself to get to a point with a female friend from back in high school days that his (current) wife was devastated and the whole thing threatened his marriage.
Instead of owning up to his problem, setting a boundary (that after mucking up three or four times you'd think he would realize he needs a boundary) his answer is to completely avoid Facebook altogether. Except he is on Google Plus, and I see him doing some of the same things.
In essence, his avoidance isn't to prevent him from hurting his wife by acting without integrity (by following vows he gave to her and has broken in the past...) but moreso because by avoiding Facebook he can be sure that he won't get caught in that situation (and be tempted.) It's not about his wife or his integrity, it's avoidance. I can sympathize with him, but if you saw how much control his current wife puts him under, it doesn't jive. He shouldn't have to live like that. He should figure out what he wants so he is able to say "Yes this is okay," or "no this is not okay."
Instead, he walks a fine line, on eggshells all the time. But, then again, he has not worked on himself. He hasn't thought about why he is doing these things. He chalks it up to "an addiction" and then is able to wash his hands of what he did. Because he was addicted. Or is addicted. But, he hasn't changed one little bit.
The difference between us two is that while he avoids because he is addicted, I may be addicted but I also know that I can't do that to my wife. I can't hurt my best friend that way for ANY reason. It's not who I am. It never was.
I think that's also reason #6324 that WS have a hard time looking at themselves (especially if they HATED cheaters before their affairs..) is the realization that you have been acting completely put of character. I know sometimes to a BS I think it would be hard to believe but me, as a WS WASN'T that guy that cheated. It is completely out of character for me. So, when you wake up you are flabbergasted on what you've done. The first reaction you have is defensive, because there HAS to be some reason you acted this way, right? (AND you'd be asking again, "please tell me I'm right!")
I'm glad you are getting help, and that you are working on you. It isn't to regain your marriage, but to make sure going forward you are a man of integrity. A guarantee to yourself that you can never let this happen to you again, because you aren't built that way. You are becoming a man of integrity, and that's a long, hard look at yourself and what you do and stand for. Looking at yourself and getting really honest about why you did what you did. (Without any blame or justifications either!)
It's not easy, but kudos to you.
It's totally worth it! After you will be free. Depressed a little, but free.