Healing
I have been reading posts on this forum for close to 10 months now.  I read them a lot to help me and to reassure myself that I am not crazy.  I have always been afraid to post because I have kept my husbands infidelity quiet for the sake of my children.  It sounds so contradictory to say that my husband is an amazing father to our 3 kids he has always been involved and completely loving to them and they adore him. Only 2 other people know about all of it. It has been exactly 1 year from the day I found out about my husbands multiple affairs throughout our marriage.  He didn't tell me, I found out because I was on his I-pad and I read text messages sent back and forth between him and another woman. (My husband I just came home from a romantic trip in Sedona) I confronted him and he denied it and then told me that was all it was, just texting.  Over the next week he continued to drip information.... I found out it was not just texting and she was the last in a long line of several affairs and porn use.  This shocked me so much because he did such a good job of living 2 lives.  I NEVER would have suspected anything like he told me.  Ever since the day he told me "everything" he has been a new man.  A better version of who I fell in love with. He has been incredibly remorseful and never once in the process has he made me feel bad for talking it out or asking him questions.  He has always been patient with me, answered my questions, let me grieve and so on.  Yesterday was our 20th anniversary and I am still not ready to acknowledge it.  He is out of town on business (something that happens a lot now and I am still having a hard time with that).  I had a lot of triggers yesterday. We talked on the phone a couple of times, but not for long because he had meetings.   I struggle with how I feel and my pain over the infidelity and lying and not wanting him to have to constantly relive the shame. I have been a faithful wife. I have always had fun with my husband we have so much in common and this really blew me out of the water.    I wish I could move past it in my heart and mind but most things are marred by what happened.  We have been in marriage counseling from the very beginning of me finding out.  It has been good but I feel like I need more. I still feel like I am beat up on the inside.  I had to start taking a low dose of anti-depression medicine because I couldn't stop crying. ( this makes me angry because I have NEVER had to take medicine like this in my entire life).  He can tell me till he is blue in the face that he loves me , only wants to be with me, that he's so incredibly sorry, that he was sick and felt like he had no way out, but I still struggle with believing that it is actually true when it comes to me. I know we are all struggling try to find something unmovable to grab a hold of. Thank you for providing a place to throw all of this out in the open.  Please excuse my scattered thoughts in my post due to the fact that it is early morning and I have so many thoughts I can not type as fast as they are coming to my mind.   I am still hurting so terribly bad. I love my husband, I love my life so why am I having such a hard time moving forward?
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SadAndLonely
I'm so sorry about your struggles.

I think it is hard to move forward for all of us.  My thought is that you need to find someone to confide in, whether it be individual counseling, a member of your church, a close friend that will keep the secret, etc.  You can't keep this all bottled up inside of you.  It helps to talk to someone.  I know that individual counseling has helped me out tremendously.  She helps me to feel like I am not going crazy and that all of the millions of feeling that I'm going through are real and justifiable.  And don't be ashamed to take anti-depressants.  This is an incredibly hard time that you are going through.  If those little pills can help you through this rough time, embrace it and take the extra help.  I know the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills have helped me out a lot.

Also, would your husband allow you to GPS track him while he is on his business trips to help ease your mind?  Or if he could Facetime you to show you that he is actually where he has said he is at?

Best of luck to you!!
BS: Married 8-1/2 yrs, together 13
Separated 6/11/17
D-Day 3/10/17
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Searching4
Healing,
Sadandlonely gave you some great advice. I just stoppe taking my anti-depressants after 5 years. I feel I don't need them now, but they served to take the edge off the pain when I did.  I too, could not believe what my husband did.  He had an affair with one married woman, but it lasted 15 years.  It seemed so out of character, no one else could believe it either.  As soon as that arrangement ended, he became the husband I had been missing all those years. It was like a poison was released from his system, or as though he came out from a spell.

The important thing is not to bask in the relief that it is over, but to examine what made him ignore his values and integrity. How did he get to a point where he was able to tell himself that what he was doing was OK?  My guess would be that he ignored any potential consequences and compartmentalized his other life, but that is not the answer, that is only how he dealt with it.  He needs to do some serious soul-searching, and he needs to share it with you.  
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Healing
My husband almost immediately after me finding out gave me access to every thing .  Every account( he doesn’t have social media)  and installed gps app on his phone .   That has helped .  I can look at it anytime I want .  It’s super detailed and even shows me the history of his driving route .  He called me this morning from his conference and told me how at dinner last night his co workers toasted us and our marriage .  He couldn’t even tell me the whole story because he was crying.  He just kept telling me he was so thankful for me and how much he loves me .  I want so badly to believe him but I am so afraid being so incredibly hurt again. 
I am such a private person so even typing details on here is hard for me but I think I need to express it somewhere .  We go to Counseling on Saturday morning and I am going to talk about needing an individual counselor .  Thank your for your replies .
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