DeathIsOnlyTheeBeginning
I am a BS and forgiving my WS has been a very difficult thing to do. Every time I forgive her she does something else. She was caught in an affair during the end of 2013. I found out right after we had sex. The guy had message her. Although I had knew months prior because I contracted an STD from her that she tried to deny. She ended up getting pregnant by the guy and lost the child. She apologize and made me believe let's work it out. During this time our child together was one years old. That child I took care of and did everything for while she did nothing. She told my friends and family that our child was my baby and she only had him for me. Needless to say, after a month after the miscarriage, she got pregnant again by her AP. I found out 3 months in she was still dealing with the guy and said its a possible chance its either one of us. She wasn't sure who child it was. I spent 9 months in torture of the unknown with her. I kept trying to forgive but it was hard considering the affair took place to my knowledge one month after my little brother was killed. The whole thing had me in a deep fog. People knew I wasn't my normal self. It was extremely difficult. During our marriage I buried 7 people in my close circle within 4 years. She was never trying to see about me constantly during those times. She was very selfish with her issues wanting to dump all of her problems on me. It didn't help none she moved to her grandparents house during our marriage before the AP. her family kept trying to run me off because I was stopping their cash cow and the control over her. Her mother kept trying to introduce guys to her while we were married. I had heard this woman was evil but I got to see it with mine own eyes. It was far worst than I imagine. I became more distant from her family, with my son as well, due to the fact they were trying all kinds of things to get rid of me especially when they found out she had personal injury cases pending thanks to my help and attorney. She wasn't going to do anything until I got involved. Needless to say, once I found out the new baby wasn't mines, I left with my son which was last year. She begged and plead for me not to leave her but that weekend before, she was out with the guy and spent the whole weekend with him. I had enough at that point. Up until recently, it was going back and forth of us working it out but my thing was are you done with your AP. She would never answer or say I don't know how to get rid of him. He won't leave. She also made known that he stated there is no leaving him. After I tried setting up visitation for her with my son. She played me and set me up good. She had seen our son but he never stayed the night with her. She called child services and told them I kidnapped our child. She took our agreement and me not knowing, she filed for divorce and when I took our child to her she filed and OP on me. She lied in that too. I have since forgiven her of all of these matters but it was not an easy one to overcome. She filed divorce a few days before my little brother who was killed birthday. That was difficult to swallow for 4 days. The thoughts of you did me in during his death now her you go during the day of his birth. It was hard but I know for my son sake I have to walk in forgiveness. His life will be shaped by my actions. I haven't seen my son in weeks due to the OP but I pray for him and his mother everyday. I can't help what she does but I can control what I do from here on out. I can't kill the love in my heart and make me a different person. A lot of times through hurt, we tend to forget who we were. I was ashamed of all of this at one point but through forgiveness I am no longer ashamed. I hope this helps someone. Even now I am in the divorce process. It is no longer dreaded as it once was. Its a process that is not easy. Its easier when you start realizing things are beyond your control and those things you can not fix.
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Anna26
DeathIsOnlyTheeBeginning wrote:
I am a BS and forgiving my WS has been a very difficult thing to do. Every time I forgive her she does something else. She was caught in an affair during the end of 2013. I found out right after we had sex. The guy had message her. Although I had knew months prior because I contracted an STD from her that she tried to deny. She ended up getting pregnant by the guy and lost the child. She apologize and made me believe let's work it out. During this time our child together was one years old. That child I took care of and did everything for while she did nothing. She told my friends and family that our child was my baby and she only had him for me. Needless to say, after a month after the miscarriage, she got pregnant again by her AP. I found out 3 months in she was still dealing with the guy and said its a possible chance its either one of us. She wasn't sure who child it was. I spent 9 months in torture of the unknown with her. I kept trying to forgive but it was hard considering the affair took place to my knowledge one month after my little brother was killed. The whole thing had me in a deep fog. People knew I wasn't my normal self. It was extremely difficult. During our marriage I buried 7 people in my close circle within 4 years. She was never trying to see about me constantly during those times. She was very selfish with her issues wanting to dump all of her problems on me. It didn't help none she moved to her grandparents house during our marriage before the AP. her family kept trying to run me off because I was stopping their cash cow and the control over her. Her mother kept trying to introduce guys to her while we were married. I had heard this woman was evil but I got to see it with mine own eyes. It was far worst than I imagine. I became more distant from her family, with my son as well, due to the fact they were trying all kinds of things to get rid of me especially when they found out she had personal injury cases pending thanks to my help and attorney. She wasn't going to do anything until I got involved. Needless to say, once I found out the new baby wasn't mines, I left with my son which was last year. She begged and plead for me not to leave her but that weekend before, she was out with the guy and spent the whole weekend with him. I had enough at that point. Up until recently, it was going back and forth of us working it out but my thing was are you done with your AP. She would never answer or say I don't know how to get rid of him. He won't leave. She also made known that he stated there is no leaving him. After I tried setting up visitation for her with my son. She played me and set me up good. She had seen our son but he never stayed the night with her. She called child services and told them I kidnapped our child. She took our agreement and me not knowing, she filed for divorce and when I took our child to her she filed and OP on me. She lied in that too. I have since forgiven her of all of these matters but it was not an easy one to overcome. She filed divorce a few days before my little brother who was killed birthday. That was difficult to swallow for 4 days. The thoughts of you did me in during his death now her you go during the day of his birth. It was hard but I know for my son sake I have to walk in forgiveness. His life will be shaped by my actions. I haven't seen my son in weeks due to the OP but I pray for him and his mother everyday. I can't help what she does but I can control what I do from here on out. I can't kill the love in my heart and make me a different person. A lot of times through hurt, we tend to forget who we were. I was ashamed of all of this at one point but through forgiveness I am no longer ashamed. I hope this helps someone. Even now I am in the divorce process. It is no longer dreaded as it once was. Its a process that is not easy. Its easier when you start realizing things are beyond your control and those things you can not fix.



I'm so sorry you are in this terrible situation.  It sounds as though she has already made up her mind quite some time ago as regards to your marriage.  I will never understand how some people seem to go out of their way to make separation or divorce as messy and as hurtful as possible, as seems to be happening in your case.  I hope you can find some support for yourself while you are going through this.

You've been through an awful time over the past few years, but you are right in thinking that you need to be thinking of you and your son from now on.  Focusing on you and what will help you to become strong will help you to be the best father you can possibly be for him. 
It may be an uncomfortable and unpleasant process you are going through right now, but you're right, you don't have anything to be ashamed of, so I hope you hold your head up high and stay positive.  Be strong!
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TimT
DeathIsOnlyTheeBeginning wrote:
I am a BS and forgiving my WS has been a very difficult thing to do. Every time I forgive her she does something else...

I did read your entire post and am encouraged by what you seem to be learning through this whole process. Thank you for posting.

To add a word about forgiving someone who continues to hurt you or lie to you... My personal encouragement (backed up by research) is that it is better to forgive the offenses, even when they are repeated. But it is also usually wise to stop trusting someone who continues to demonstrate untrustworthiness. "I forgive you but I don't trust you" can be a perfectly valid statement. 

Sometimes, I think, the expectation of forgiveness requires a person to stay in a relationship with the betrayer. In fact, the betrayer is often the one who creates that expectation. But there are many cases in which I encourage forgiving (leaving the offense in the past) while discouraging trust (willing vulnerability in the present/future) because the betrayer is not demonstrating the kind of behavior that can support trust.

I hope you will continue to find new beginnings...
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