BeginAgain Show full post »
BeginAgain
Phoenix wrote:

this is similar to what happened to me and how I felt after my affair but my BS will not believe me. It’s been 18 months since the first Dday. I made to many mistakes along the way. I hid it for to long because of shame and lied because of it to. I pray everyday that my husband will see the sincerity in me when I tell him how horrible I feel for breaking him and destroying our family. I have apologized many times and asked for forgiveness. I have tried to take my life. His favorite words for me are you’re a coward, weak and disgusting. I’m so happy that you can see your husbands pain for what he did to you and use it as a catalyst to recovery. 


Phoenix, dealing with the reality of my husband's betrayal and trying to heal from it is probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. It rips a hole in your soul to know that the person you loved and trusted above all others could betray you so cruelly. Even if we took each other for granted, even if there wasn't much kindness to be found the past few years, he was still my home and my best friend. How he could turn away from me and let another in, especially someone who was for all intents and purposes a stranger, is the deepest wound that will take the longest to heal.

From the very beginning, the first day, I have been very aware of how my behaviour can either make or break this situation - just like his too. If he had been arrogant or undecided after D-Day, if there had been any lingering feelings for her, I'm not sure I would still be here. But I saw how very broken my husband was. D-Day was on his birthday too, so that complicated matters. I didn't want to inflict an ugly scar on his birthday, so I would berate him and swear and yell at him and then immediately apologise, and then immediately start berating him again over a new detail. It must have seemed as if I was losing my mind, and maybe I was, a little bit at least. Finding something like this out is such an incredible shock that shakes the foundation of your world. It changes everything you believed about your spouse, your marriage, your life. It even changes the way you look at yourself, because 'I wasn't good enough' becomes an echoing refrain.

Either way, regardless of my own brokenness when faced with the magnitude of what had been done to my life, the grievous wounds inflicted without my knowledge or permission, I remained aware that I loved my husband. I loved him and still wanted a life with him. At least I was about 50% sure - the rest of the time I couldn't see a way past the pain. And if I wanted a life with him, I needed to feel the pain and anger. I needed to heal and make sense of what happened, at least to a certain degree. I needed to own my part in the breakdown of the marriage. And I needed to find out how he saw our marriage and felt prior to, during and after the affair and why. It was all pieces of the puzzle to me to try and make sense of what had happened to my marriage.

I don't subscribe to the notion that the WS needs to take whatever the BS dishes out. I believe there are limits to what any person should endure. Even though I haven't always navigated this aspect of our recovery successfully, even though I have screamed and called him names, I have been aware that it can't go on forever. Not if we want to build something new. I need to see past my pain and see HIM, see his vulnerability and brokenness. I need to see who he is and aspires to be as a human being and I need to approach him with understanding and empathy. I need to show him my own vulnerability and encourage him to do the same. I need to show him my love. How else can we build something new? If we are guarded towards one another, how can we move towards one another and establish a new way of being?

I know not everyone will see this the same, but it is what my husband and I have needed in this journey. We needed to be stripped bare of all ego and selfishness and be honest about our true selves for once. Seeing my husband's sorrow and regret has been so helpful in feeling empathy towards him. And with that empathy, my love has grown. He got himself into a situation he couldn't control and he walked away from it with bleeding wounds. It doesn't negate the fact that he sustained those wounds while cheating on me; I'm still having a hard time dealing with that fact, but those wounds need to be acknowledged and tended to. If we don't make it a priority, it will only lead to new problems down the line.

My apologies if I got a bit long winded, I'm on mobile, so I'm not really keeping track of my rambling. What I really want to say to you today, is that you don't deserve this. You did something terribly wrong, you made the choices to betray your husband and marriage. Those are undeniable facts. But you don't have to suffer for those choices forever. There comes a time when a relationship becomes abusive and I believe that is where you are now. If your husband is withholding all affection and compassion towards you so long after the fact, if he still verbally abuses you more than a year and a half later, then you have to take a long and hard look at what being in this relationship is doing to your self esteem in the long run. You can't change his behaviour or how he sees you now, but you don't have to believe that you are who he says you are. You can change yourself though. Learn from your mistakes and discover who you are again. Pick yourself up and start envisioning a future for yourself.

Remember the lessons we all learn from the resources on this forum - you can heal from infidelity, even if your relationship doesn't survive. Your previous marriage ended when you started your affair, whether you were aware of it or not. You have to decide whether the way things are now is worth it for you to stick it out. I've seen the advice given to you, that you just have to work through this phase. I don't necessarily agree, not if it's breaking you and chipping away at your self worth. You alone can judge whether it is worth it to keep trying or not. Your husband isn't the only one who has a choice about what comes next. You have to stop trying to convince him of your sincerity and start focusing on saving yourself now.
Quote 2 0
Dirazz
A beautiful testimony to Grace BeginAgain! 
Quote 3 0
Bgreen
BeginAgain wrote:


Phoenix, dealing with the reality of my husband's betrayal and trying to heal from it is probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. It rips a hole in your soul to know that the person you loved and trusted above all others could betray you so cruelly. Even if we took each other for granted, even if there wasn't much kindness to be found the past few years, he was still my home ..

From the very beginning, the first day, I have been very aware of how my behaviour can either make or break this situation - just like his too. If he had been arrogant or undecided after D-Day, if there had been any lingering feelings for her, I'm not sure I would still be here. But I saw how very broken my husband was...

I don't subscribe to the notion that the WS needs to take whatever the BS dishes out. I believe there are limits to what any person should endure. Even though I haven't always navigated this aspect of our recovery successfully, even though I have screamed and called him names, I have been aware that it can't go on forever. Not if we want to build something new. I need to see past my pain and see HIM, see his vulnerability and brokenness... Seeing my husband's sorrow and regret has been so helpful in feeling empathy towards him. And with that empathy, my love has grown. 
 
.


i completely agree with this! It so closely resembles my experience as a BS in a marriage with a deeply sorry WH.  WS was almost at the point of a breakdown because of his guilt. I eventually had to let go of the need to punish him and work on myself. I am the more hurt spouse, but I do need to understand that he is also hurt by what he chose to do.  
Female, BS 2 years post DDay
Quote 0 0