Phoenix, dealing with the reality of my husband's betrayal and trying to heal from it is probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. It rips a hole in your soul to know that the person you loved and trusted above all others could betray you so cruelly. Even if we took each other for granted, even if there wasn't much kindness to be found the past few years, he was still my home ..
From the very beginning, the first day, I have been very aware of how my behaviour can either make or break this situation - just like his too. If he had been arrogant or undecided after D-Day, if there had been any lingering feelings for her, I'm not sure I would still be here. But I saw how very broken my husband was...
I don't subscribe to the notion that the WS needs to take whatever the BS dishes out. I believe there are limits to what any person should endure. Even though I haven't always navigated this aspect of our recovery successfully, even though I have screamed and called him names, I have been aware that it can't go on forever. Not if we want to build something new. I need to see past my pain and see HIM, see his vulnerability and brokenness... Seeing my husband's sorrow and regret has been so helpful in feeling empathy towards him. And with that empathy, my love has grown.
i completely agree with this! It so closely resembles my experience as a BS in a marriage with a deeply sorry WH. WS was almost at the point of a breakdown because of his guilt. I eventually had to let go of the need to punish him and work on myself. I am the more hurt spouse, but I do need to understand that he is also hurt by what he chose to do.
Female, BS 2 years post DDay