Fullofanger
im new here.  Last year around 12/16/16, my husband got very busy at work and distant.  Anyway, fast forward to Valentine’s Day of this year and I found out he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker.  She had moved away to Florida.  He took his daughter to visit his parents in Florida for five days and that’s when I found all the calls starting in December and texts.  So then I confronted him on the phone and told him not to come home.  Told him I knew he went to visit her,etc.  he came home, cried, etc.  6 weeks later, I am still not feeling right, so I insist that we call this woman in Florida so I can speak to her and ask her some questions.  I truly did not understand how someone that knew me would do such a terrible thing and wanted to hear from her why she thought being such good “friends” was ok when she was also married.  My husband hemmed and hawed and paced and kept stalling.  Turns out, it wasn’t this co worker that I was blaming but a complete stranger that came to his company back in October to give HR presentations to the workers!  This is March 26th!  He was afraid to tell me the truth cause he didn’t want her to get into trouble.  They supposedly only slept together once.  He
didnt meet her in Florida but did talk and text with her while on that trip about 90% more than he spoke/texted to me.
So I am horrified.  Go thru ground zero again, just all messed up.  My friend at work was amazingly supportive and that helped.  2 weeks later his dad got very sick and was in a coma.  We are consumed with just trying to survive this ordeal and my husband doesn’t want to deal with the affair just says, “I wasn’t myself “ and wants to forget and move on.  I am the type of person that just works and stays busy to get thru stressful times, but this ordeal felt like I might die.
fast forward to now, both of his parents died in the past three months, terribly.  I was never able to fully engage in any sort of healing because he was too busy with taking care of them (and I helped and pushed my feelings aside to do the right thing).  Now, this year we are at the same exact stage we were last Christmas and I have all these triggers happening.  He does understand how I feel about his phone and has really been good about not constantly checking it and letting me look at it anytime I want to.  Last night when shopping tho, he gave an email address that I didn’t know about, so now I’m all flipped out.  He still doesn’t get it and doesn’t think that it’s fair that I bring up my feelings when he lost both his parents!  Has anyone dealt with this?  I want to make this work and forgive but good lord, it’s hard.  Also complicated by the fact that he is going to inherit a good bit of money that would allow him the freedom to quit working and leave me.  Any ideas on how I can get my sanity back?
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Trinity
Fullofanger.... WOW, you sure did have a lot of things happening in a year.  
If your husband is still grieving the lost of his parents, I'm not sure if he is capable right now of understanding your feelings.
Did you get any answers on the new e-mail address ??
Where is your trust level at with him ??
Have you had conversations in the past about the affair and betrayal ??
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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anthropoidape
That's terrible. Any one of those many things would be hard to deal with but you've got the lot. It must feel like it is simply impossible. 

I wish I could give you advice but it's a really hard situation that you've described. You could try to have a normal Christmas and regain your strength a bit. Or you could tell him he's not just a son he's a husband too and he needs to attend to his marriage. 

I don't think you should focus on the prospect of him leaving you with his inheritance. If he does then that was always going to happen, and good riddance to him.

Good luck. If you feel like it is all too overwhelming, remember you are dealing with more than most people ever have to deal with and you are entitled to feel miserable. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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whitia
The thing you need to remember is that you don't need him to fix you or to heal you. If a whole lot is going on like it is, he really isn't in his right mind to help you. BUT you can work on yourself and set boundaries for your feelings and life. You can do something to improve yourself, something you need to work on, read books to help yourself through this. Stay strong, show yourself respect even though he didn't show you any by doing this, strong people can be merciful but not let someone walk all over you. Don't do something because he isn't showing the effort you want him to, don't try to make him do things. Just show him the life you want and deserve, live it, and if he wants to keep on the same path, you have expectations (reasonable ones). Give yourself a deadline, if things aren't better for you by this certain date, you don't need to subject yourself to this. A lot is going on for him but also for you.
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blyrobin51
you need to get healed.   and unfortunately if he doesn't participate in that, your relationship will suffer even more.  If you heal on your own, you will probably not want to be with him........he is in need of healing from the affair also...he just doesn't know it. 

At some point you are going to have to let him take responsibility even though both his parents died.  This is his mess he served cold no chaser.  This is his poop pie that he baked for you and your family....sliced and sectioned.    He must step up.   You must do what you need to to get better...that's all that matters.  If he doesn't want counseling or is willing to pour into your heart and soul...then he will continue to suffer......and he is suffering, believe me....men are just better at not showing it and shutting down.    You have got to take care of yourself........detach from him and his rejection to help heal you.....its really hard....really hard......but once you get some momentum.....you will feel the healing energy.....stay focused on what you want to do..........if he really wants to change, grow and heal.....he will jump on board.   If not...know that your healing energy and your recovery is always in your hands.....you have power.
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SadAndLonely
I agree!  You need to set boundaries for yourself and think of you.  He was selfish during the affair and sounds like he is still continuing to be.  It's time for you to be selfish for YOU!  You deserve it.  I have struggled with this as well, because it is very, very hard.  Read books...there are millions out there on this subject.  I don't know if you are going to counseling but that has helped me tremendously.  You will get through this, I know it.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel although you may not see it now.  There is a better life for you ahead, whether your husband decides to be a part of that or not.  You will get better.  Affairs are a very dark time and that dark time lasts a long time.  Focus on you and you will get through it.  You've got this!
BS: Married 8-1/2 yrs, together 13
Separated 6/11/17
D-Day 3/10/17
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nhmama
Every "anniversary" of discovery will bring on triggers/feelings, but you will get better at managing them. Also, you have had a horrifying year, full of stress that would challenge any relationship...so, my advice to you is stop focusing on the affair, start supporting your husband with empathy and love through the loss of his parents. It will feel hard at first, but as you move back into your role as wife (not betrayed partner), you will feel more like his wife again. Don't expect him to immediately understand and rebalance your relationship. It takes quite a bit of time, and one day you will just notice that you are both more open to one another, turning to one another rather than others, and loving each other on a daily basis. It seems it's very hard for those who cheat to express their remorse in a way that satisfies the betrayed because to be honest, there is nothing they can say to fix what they have done. When you realize that, it's actually easy to understand why they want to put it behind them, why they become defensive or angry when it does come up, because they truly want to live in the present and forget the past all together. That is never easy for the betrayed because we have to rebuild our trust and protect ourselves from being hurt again. A reminder that most times, an affair happens due to something a person feels when they're with someone outside of their relationship that fills a "hole" in them, granted, it would have been much better if they tried to resolve that with their partner, but usually, the affair is what reveals the "hole"...please have hope, focus your energy on positive behaviors (from both of you), limit affair discussion to times it makes sense, and realize YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
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imogen
Wow what a year of unplanned and undeserved hardship you have had.
Im sorry for anyone that has lost both parents in a year it’s very difficult and grieve is a major event.
Grieve is loss of someone,a person or a relationship.He has lost his parents you have lost your in laws and what ‘you thought’your husband was.Adulterer wasn’t in your personality traits of his character I’m sure.
He gave himself permission to have the affair and you need to find out why that was.He tried to fix his problem by turning outward to someone else rather than inward to you.

It sounds like this behaviour of not pulling you into his world to share his feelings  of grieve unhappiness or whatever it is is happening again.This will inhibit understanding and rebuilding truth and trust in the relationship.

As this has SO many facets involved for both of you I would recommend a councillor is a must.
They are able to talk and draw out many emotions and feeling that may well be undiscovered in one or both of you.This is a time of listening and learning on both sides Do you want to keep together in this marriage or just does one of you want this more than the other?? These are heartbreaking questions I know but action not words will demonstrate what is happening.If he wants to work through this he will be there at the councillors if he doesn’t the writings on the wall but you continue to go to your councillor anyway.

It would be wonderful and easy to put it behind you and just continue to love each ,if I could have had ET s power and transferred some of my love and trust into my husband I would have done it in an instance just by sheer will power ,I wanted him sooo bad but I left Disney behind a year ago and it’s been just over a year of hard work and boy discovery of who he really is.
But I believe this path is a necessary part of healing for you time proves many things your journey will not be easy but then forward is the best path to take as backward certainly wasn’t working was it?
i wish you love and strength
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