SLL1102
so my husband and I are trying to overcome his EA, we are officially 2 months or so into our official recovery and d-day was about 8-9 months ago.  I have been feeling depressed, for lack of a better word.  Before he had his epiphany and finally decided he wanted our marriage back, I was getting to a really good place alone, lost weight, was working out, felt more positive and ready to take on the future without him etc.  Now that we are back together working through things, i feel down, needy, insecure, have stopped exercising and not making as healthy eating choices.  I feel like it's because now I have to actually face the pain instead of kind of glazing over it since I had previously expected that we would divorce.  

I have been crying more and feeling so much anxiety, having a hard time concentrating at work and I am making an appointment to get a psychiatric evaluation and will probably ask to be put on meds.  Part of me feels like maybe I am supposed to feel these feelings and that taking meds will numb my emotions in a bad way, that maybe I need to feel how I feel so I can be in touch with whether or not this marriage is going to work for me or not...

I feel like I can't manage my emotions.  I get obsessive and it just consumes my life and I'm looking for more immediate relief and progress.  

So am I just impatient?  is this part of the process and when does it get better, if ever?


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Jennifer
SLL1102,

I can see from your post that you are going through a hard time right now. I am sorry that you are feeling so down and depressed. To answer your questions, everyone's journey through healing is different. We all go through a roller coaster of emotions while going through affair recovery and there is no "right" way to do it.

Since you are struggling, I do not think it can hurt to speak with the psychiatrist and see his opinion. Only you can decide if medication is the right choice for you and you may need to try it first to find out what will work best.

You sound like you are pretty self aware when you stated  "I feel like it's because now I have to actually face the pain instead of kind of glazing over it since I had previously expected that we would divorce." Going through the pain is always the hardest part and until you go through it, you will not heal fully.

In the meantime continue to try and take care of yourself and know that it does get better over time.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Jennifer I can relate .
I've also stopped doing my driving lessons and have gained most of the weight I lost when we were apart. We are a year from first Dday, second Dday was in October 2015. He also had an epiphany about two months ago. For me I am also still struggling to figure out if it is me slowly relaxing my thoughts and getting back to no normalcy or it is depression too. I have times where (my WS works away most of the time and is still living somewhere else) I am just in the room overwhelmed by emotion and times where I feel positive and happy that we are working on reconsiling. So our stories might be different but in a way I do relate to what you're saying. I don't have the solution yet although I do know that putting time on myself and carrying on to take care of me and doing things I love would be the right way to go ..I think I'm letting the reconciliation take over me.

It's taking so much of my emotions that I feel exhausted at the end of the day. Particularly since my WS works away and still isn't home, I have had to offer alot of grace and understanding. I am still waiting for him to be "ready" to come home and be "ready" to deal and answer questions I have . So I'm being patient and waiting. I had set 17 July as my timeline but he is making changes so ill have to postpone in. Ugh...I don't have an answer for you Jennifer but just know you're not alone. About meds, I once was on depression medication years ago and i personally felt it ruled my life . My mood depended on it so much and it wasnt a pleasant experience for me. So in the past year with discovering the affair what has helped me was being present and feeling the pain as it is. I haven't touched even a drink in this time I made a cognizant decision to not try and numb the pain. That helped me I think and of course this forum, caring friends and above all Prayer. All the best ill be looking out for your progress
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SLL1102
Jennifer wrote:
SLL1102,

I can see from your post that you are going through a hard time right now. I am sorry that you are feeling so down and depressed. To answer your questions, everyone's journey through healing is different. We all go through a roller coaster of emotions while going through affair recovery and there is no "right" way to do it.

Since you are struggling, I do not think it can hurt to speak with the psychiatrist and see his opinion. Only you can decide if medication is the right choice for you and you may need to try it first to find out what will work best.

You sound like you are pretty self aware when you stated  "I feel like it's because now I have to actually face the pain instead of kind of glazing over it since I had previously expected that we would divorce." Going through the pain is always the hardest part and until you go through it, you will not heal fully.

In the meantime continue to try and take care of yourself and know that it does get better over time.


Thank you for your response. I would like to think I am self aware as well, I've been in individual therapy for a while and have read a lot of books and articles about affairs etc...I know that I feel so much better when I excercise and am outside enjoying the weather so I'm trying to focus on that as best I can...I feel like I know exactly what I need from my husband and deep down don't feel like he's giving me enough, and I am just really anxious because I don't know how long to wait to give him enough time to make the needed changes [frown]
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SLL1102
ConfusedInLimbo wrote:
Jennifer I can relate .
I've also stopped doing my driving lessons and have gained most of the weight I lost when we were apart. We are a year from first Dday, second Dday was in October 2015. He also had an epiphany about two months ago. For me I am also still struggling to figure out if it is me slowly relaxing my thoughts and getting back to no normalcy or it is depression too. I have times where (my WS works away most of the time and is still living somewhere else) I am just in the room overwhelmed by emotion and times where I feel positive and happy that we are working on reconsiling. So our stories might be different but in a way I do relate to what you're saying. I don't have the solution yet although I do know that putting time on myself and carrying on to take care of me and doing things I love would be the right way to go ..I think I'm letting the reconciliation take over me.

It's taking so much of my emotions that I feel exhausted at the end of the day. Particularly since my WS works away and still isn't home, I have had to offer alot of grace and understanding. I am still waiting for him to be "ready" to come home and be "ready" to deal and answer questions I have . So I'm being patient and waiting. I had set 17 July as my timeline but he is making changes so ill have to postpone in. Ugh...I don't have an answer for you Jennifer but just know you're not alone. About meds, I once was on depression medication years ago and i personally felt it ruled my life . My mood depended on it so much and it wasnt a pleasant experience for me. So in the past year with discovering the affair what has helped me was being present and feeling the pain as it is. I haven't touched even a drink in this time I made a cognizant decision to not try and numb the pain. That helped me I think and of course this forum, caring friends and above all Prayer. All the best ill be looking out for your progress


I appreciate you sharing your experience...I can definitely relate in that there are moments I feel so alone and depressed and frustrated, but then if he gives me any sort of guesture I am easily reassured and feel so much more optimistic. It's definitely consuming and I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep it up, I didn't go to work Friday because I was just so emotionally not in a good place

I hope that we both find peace for ourselves sooner rather than later
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ConfusedInLimbo
Turns out I had a wool pulled over my face ....
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aliasbsmith
I sure hope you're normal because it's been twice as long since my d-day and I still have periods of sadness and confusion. When I was at your place in time , I was Cray-cray! I've heard that grieving things like death takes about 2 years to feel normal on most days. I think it might be harder to sort through negative emotions of grieving the loss of the marriage when you actually still have your husband around. So this is gonna take more time. Be patient. Do you have a girlfriend to hash things out with? That helps relieve the pain some.
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Devastated
Are there "normal stages" Ws go thru before wanting to recommit to am marriage? Is there an average time they are in each stage? My Ws has not been involved in the his 1 month affair for over a year and a half. However, once I discovered the affair in Jan. He felt like he no longer wanted to work on our marriage. We have been married for 20 years. He moved out in April. He finally apologized thru text for his betrayal and lies regarding the affair a couple of weeks ago. He says he has no idea why I would want to be married to someone like him. He shows no real effort on wanting to work on our marriage.. We just text daily, but he does not want to go on a date with me. The only time he he consents is when I push for it. Otherwise, he seems content to live seperately and not have any quality time together. I am not sure- if I need to let go and move on
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Jennifer
Devastated,

I do not know that there are "normal" stages a WS will go through. With that being said there are many similarities in behavior that WS will engage in, for example, trickle truth, going back and forth between spouse and AP. There is no time line for when a WS may decide to recommit or walk away definitely. I think that is what makes it so hard for the BS, being stuck in limbo and not knowing what is going to happen and wondering how long this will take. I wish I could give you a structured time line but I can't. His actions will show you if he is committed to making his marriage work and only you can decide when the time to let go is right for you. 
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