So sorry to hear you are going through this - you are experiencing very much what I am too. Since his affair my husband has been nasty and mean to me like I have never known. He swears at me and calls me names, something he has never ever done in all the years we have been together (19). He says the most hurtful things, despite the fact that he has caused me so much pain, he just keeps pouring salt in the wounds.
I can't speak for your husband, but I think for mine it is used as a defence mechanism. He is so angry at himself and so full of shame and guilt, that he pours it all out onto me. He accuses me of making him angry on purpose, pushing his buttons, tells me the voice I use or the way I talk makes him angry. It's all just blaming and deflection. Quite honestly, some of the ridiculous things he says, given that he is the one who has been cheating for 2.5 years, I can hardly believe they come out of his mouth. It is like he has lost all ability to see things logically and for what they really are.
All I can say is I try to let it wash over me, I try as hard as I can not to take it to heart. Sometimes he will apologise afterwards, other times he won't. There are still some things he is saying now that are not true and show he is still in the fog. He is still trying to blame the affair on problems within me, but then sometimes he says he knows it's all his fault. I just don't really know what he truly thinks. He has almost rewritten the history of our marriage, which makes me very sad. I know it's just not true.
It is very sad for you that the son you helped raise is now being taken away. My husband has moved out - we have two children together and they are staying with me. Even the thought of him having them at weekends is hard for me to stomach. They are my children, I didn't ever imagine a time when I would have to share them with my husband, rather than be with them all the time. And if/when he takes them to meet the AP - I hardly want to think about that.
Try and stay strong at this awful time and surround yourself with people who know and love you.
I just came across your post and could not agree more. It seems as though we are living the same nightmare. The thought of not being able to be together as a family hurts so much. We did everything together! I have told my WH that I felt left out when he takes the kids out without me but he said that I was being childish. Damn... can he be anymore cruel?