jerrymichele
My husband has been so mean to me, and I do not know why? I'm not perfect, but anything that brings me any kind of joy or peace, he rips it right from me. I honestly do not understand why he is being a cold hearted jerk. He really wants me to suffer. He blames everything on me. His major excuse is the fact I haven't worked. He got mad at me because I asked him to help me with a bill, so now he is taking his son out of my life when I have been his mother. I have helped raise his son since he has been 3 and now he is 15 and telling me, he is not my son, but he was before. Not only that, my husband moved in with the AP and is going to bring his son over there. As a matter of fact, since he has cheated he hasn't had much to do with his son until today. If someone can help me understand this I would be very greatful.
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Fionarob
So sorry to hear you are going through this - you are experiencing very much what I am too.  Since his affair my husband has been nasty and mean to me like I have never known. He swears at me and calls me names, something he has never ever done in all the years we have been together (19).  He says the most hurtful things, despite the fact that he has caused me so much pain, he just keeps pouring salt in the wounds.

I can't speak for your husband, but I think for mine it is used as a defence mechanism.  He is so angry at himself and so full of shame and guilt, that he pours it all out onto me.  He accuses me of making him angry on purpose, pushing his buttons, tells me the voice I use or the way I talk makes him angry.  It's all just blaming and deflection.  Quite honestly, some of the ridiculous things he says, given that he is the one who has been cheating for 2.5 years, I can hardly believe they come out of his mouth.  It is like he has lost all ability to see things logically and for what they really are.

All I can say is I try to let it wash over me, I try as hard as I can not to take it to heart.  Sometimes he will apologise afterwards, other times he won't.  There are still some things he is saying now that are not true and show he is still in the fog.  He is still trying to blame the affair on problems within me, but then sometimes he says he knows it's all his fault.  I just don't really know what he truly thinks.  He has almost rewritten the history of our marriage, which makes me very sad.  I know it's just not true.

It is very sad for you that the son you helped raise is now being taken away.  My husband has moved out - we have two children together and they are staying with me.  Even the thought of him having them at weekends is hard for me to stomach.  They are my children, I didn't ever imagine a time when I would have to share them with my husband, rather than be with them all the time.  And if/when he takes them to meet the AP - I hardly want to think about that.

Try and stay strong at this awful time and surround yourself with people who know and love you. 
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Guiltguilt
I think you'll find it took two people to make those children. I might be a scummy WS, who did really crap things that I would change in a heartbeat given a time machine, but I love my daughter and want to be a part of her life. I am grateful every day that her mum puts our daughter first, above her devastation.
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Fionarob
Guiltguilt - maybe you misunderstood my post.  I am sharing my children with my husband, that's what I am trying to explain is so painful.  We should be bringing them up together, not having them on separate days.  I didn't ever want or plan that type of upbringing for my children, but I have little choice.

I have to accept that for a large chunk of their lives now they will be with my husband and not with me.  I am not denying him access, I am just pointing out that it is extremely painful for me to have to do that.  It was not my choice for my husband to go and have an affair and now live somewhere else but I have to live with it.

I am also putting my children first, above my own devastation - which is the worst I have ever felt in my life.
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jerrymichele
I agree every kid needs their parents, but in my case, my husband is doing things to me to be hurtful. I do not understand it. There is nothing I have done to him for him to treat me this way. He blames everything on me, but I have not done anything to him for him to be so spiteful and hurtful to me. All I have done is love him and his son.
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Tim2014
Jerrymichele. He being mean so he can deflect his guilt and shame. He's doing it to ease his guilty conscience got the choices he's made and one day he will awake and find that what he had is gone. All part of rewriting history !
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Freewill76
Jerrymichelle, I can identify with everything you are say, my husband is very nasty, says hortible things but he treated our children the same way as he did me !!
He is four months out from DDay has kicked us out from our family home ( due to threats and intimidation) and moved his AP into our home and into my bed . Problem now is he is just starting to come out of the fog where his children are concerned and they want nothing to do with him. He's still nasty to me tho and has told me he's in love with his AP (who is 20 years younger than him and is closer to his youngest child's age then his - one can only wonder what a 26 would want from a man that is 46 with money?? Hmmm)
I guess they eventually come to see some of the damage done but I feel in my case and in many others it's only because it's affecting him now !!

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Guiltguilt
Fionarob wrote:
Guiltguilt - maybe you misunderstood my post.  I am sharing my children with my husband, that's what I am trying to explain is so painful.  We should be bringing them up together, not having them on separate days.  I didn't ever want or plan that type of upbringing for my children, but I have little choice.

I have to accept that for a large chunk of their lives now they will be with my husband and not with me.  I am not denying him access, I am just pointing out that it is extremely painful for me to have to do that.  It was not my choice for my husband to go and have an affair and now live somewhere else but I have to live with it.

I am also putting my children first, above my own devastation - which is the worst I have ever felt in my life.


I'm sorry, I did misunderstand you. That kills me as well. Knowing I did it makes me want to crawl into a hole.
I'm just very, very lucky my wife includes me in everyday stuff together when possible.
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TJmay112
Guiltguilt wrote:


I'm sorry, I did misunderstand you. That kills me as well. Knowing I did it makes me want to crawl into a hole.
I'm just very, very lucky my wife includes me in everyday stuff together when possible.
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KANL
Fionarob wrote:
So sorry to hear you are going through this - you are experiencing very much what I am too.  Since his affair my husband has been nasty and mean to me like I have never known. He swears at me and calls me names, something he has never ever done in all the years we have been together (19).  He says the most hurtful things, despite the fact that he has caused me so much pain, he just keeps pouring salt in the wounds.

I can't speak for your husband, but I think for mine it is used as a defence mechanism.  He is so angry at himself and so full of shame and guilt, that he pours it all out onto me.  He accuses me of making him angry on purpose, pushing his buttons, tells me the voice I use or the way I talk makes him angry.  It's all just blaming and deflection.  Quite honestly, some of the ridiculous things he says, given that he is the one who has been cheating for 2.5 years, I can hardly believe they come out of his mouth.  It is like he has lost all ability to see things logically and for what they really are.

All I can say is I try to let it wash over me, I try as hard as I can not to take it to heart.  Sometimes he will apologise afterwards, other times he won't.  There are still some things he is saying now that are not true and show he is still in the fog.  He is still trying to blame the affair on problems within me, but then sometimes he says he knows it's all his fault.  I just don't really know what he truly thinks.  He has almost rewritten the history of our marriage, which makes me very sad.  I know it's just not true.

It is very sad for you that the son you helped raise is now being taken away.  My husband has moved out - we have two children together and they are staying with me.  Even the thought of him having them at weekends is hard for me to stomach.  They are my children, I didn't ever imagine a time when I would have to share them with my husband, rather than be with them all the time.  And if/when he takes them to meet the AP - I hardly want to think about that.

Try and stay strong at this awful time and surround yourself with people who know and love you. 



I just came across your post and could not agree more.  It seems as though we are living the same nightmare.  The thought of not being able to be together as a family hurts so much.  We did everything together! I have told my WH that I felt left out when he takes the kids out without me but he said that I was being childish.  Damn... can he be anymore cruel?
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Jennifer
JerryMichele,

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Not only are you having to cope with the devastation of your husband's affair, you are now having to worry about the impact on your family. Like others have said before me, your WS is engaging in these nasty behaviors as a way to deflect blame and guilt as to make himself feel better. It could be possible that for him to justify his actions to himself he needs to make you the bad guy.

As hard as it is, you cannot control his behavior and trying to focus on taking care of yourself and your child(ren) can be helpful. Try to not engage in any heated discussions when possible and find others who can be a support system and help you through this difficult time.
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