ConfusedInLimbo Show full post »
UrbanExplorer
I have neighbors who got divorced about 2 years ago, and the husband still comes over to mow the lawn. They are coparenting amicably, so I thought it was a representation of their decent post-split relationship.I guess it depends on the individual relationship dynamics.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
blythespirit wrote:
 

Anna26, your story about the jar of sauce made me laugh!  I have a stand mixer that I use to knead bread dough and the bowl gets jammed on really tight every time I do that.  I often can't get the bowl off and my husband always had to do it for me.  Since this has all happened, I try and I try to get the darn bowl off.  Sometimes my oldest son and I can do it if we work together.  But, when my husband comes over and sees the bowl still attached to the mixer, he automatically takes it off.  I hate that I can't do it myself!  

And about you putting the bed together for your daughter, I have a similar story too.  I've never minded mowing the lawn and have done it myself most times for years.  I'm a bit compulsive about it because it makes me very happy to see it done!  Part of that job for me, however, is edging and weed whipping around the swingset and garden beds.  We have what I would call an "industrial strength", gas-powered weed whipper that I can't get started on my own for the life of me.  It's also very heavy and so even once it's on, I have a very hard time using it.  It was always a point of contention between my husband and I because I wanted it done when I was mowing and sometimes he would, and sometimes he wouldn't.  I would get so mad.  In any case, I've since gone out on my own and purchased a smaller, lighter, battery-powered weed whipper that I don't need any help with.  I read the directions and put it together by myself, and I LOVE using it.  A small thing, yes, but it gives me a great sense of satisfaction.  Funny thing is, I don't know why I didn't do it years ago, instead of continuing to go back and forth with him about it.  Again, hindsight is 20/20.        


Blythe..yes I agree, though my husband used to and still does, mow the lawn.  One of the things he also used to do though was mash the potatoes when dinner was ready.  He always did it so much better than me, and I struggled with it as the worktops are a little too high for me. I hate that job!

Strange though how you can be so handy with a screwdriver and hammer, or garden equipment, but fail miserably at getting the lid off a jar or a bowl off the mixer..or mashing potatoes..lol.

One of the things I really like about being a member of this community is how every now and then you get a little bit of insight into people.  Sharing little bits of daily life with each other makes you feel a bit more human somehow and takes away the focus of why we are all on here.  It's such a refreshing thing to be able to laugh at something for a change.  I like the way we all seem to be getting on (well, most of the time!) even though we don't know each other personally, and support each other. 
You also tend to look out for particular names popping up, and notice when people are taking a break. 
It would be great to think that perhaps in the long term future, new friendships could be forged for some people.

Anyway, I digress..as usual!!  [smile]




Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
I can help with the bowl of the stand mixer... (off topic, I know...)

Take your wooden spoon and thread it through the handle on the bowl of the mixer. You can use leverage to get it free.

That aside over.

I think that I did the same thing as the spouses here. You get used to doing things for your spouse over the years, and it's a way to say that you still care about them. I know it's stupid, because we are betraying you in all the sense of the word, but there it is.

I used to move my wife's car if she parked in 4 hour parking and I saw. Or, I'd pick my kid up from the house and seeing that he wasn't ready I'd get him ready.

My AP would get furious with this, and it lead to many fights between us. My AP just couldn't understand that I didn't hate my wife, I was just very mad at her. Looking back, I think it proves that I didn't want to continue as I was, just that I was so wrapped up in myself.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but in a lot of ways, I still wanted my wife to like me, and I still tried to do good things for her.

Hope that doesn't sound stupid.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
I can help with the bowl of the stand mixer... (off topic, I know...) Take your wooden spoon and thread it through the handle on the bowl of the mixer. You can use leverage to get it free. That aside over. I think that I did the same thing as the spouses here. You get used to doing things for your spouse over the years, and it's a way to say that you still care about them. I know it's stupid, because we are betraying you in all the sense of the word, but there it is. I used to move my wife's car if she parked in 4 hour parking and I saw. Or, I'd pick my kid up from the house and seeing that he wasn't ready I'd get him ready. My AP would get furious with this, and it lead to many fights between us. My AP just couldn't understand that I didn't hate my wife, I was just very mad at her. Looking back, I think it proves that I didn't want to continue as I was, just that I was so wrapped up in myself. I don't know if that makes any sense, but in a lot of ways, I still wanted my wife to like me, and I still tried to do good things for her. Hope that doesn't sound stupid.




There you go Blythe..problem solved!  Now for the jar lid..

Doesn't sound stupid at all Kal, in fact it's quite enlightening.  I can understand completely how it comes from a place of caring, and wanting to be liked.  It's almost like the inner child coming out and wanting to do something good and impress.  And I think there is one of those in all of us at times.
But you're right, it is rather bewildering to be 'helped' by your spouse one minute and but still be left to your own devices at other times, because you've been usurped by a pretender to your throne. [smiley-think005]
Quote 0 0
blythespirit
But, Kal, my mixer bowl doesn't have a handle -- just a completely smooth stainless steel bowl with nothing to use for grip or leverage!!!  So funny, too, I'm reading a book about the differences in male and female communication and your offer of advice to help fix my "problem" is so spot on!  Such a man thing to do -- and I mean that in the best possible sense[smile]  Again, made me laugh!

Also, I appreciate your thoughts on why you acted the way you did in continuing to want to be helpful to and liked by your wife.  I don't think it sounds stupid either.  Really it's just more evidence of the messed up place the WS's head is in this situation.  I do think my husband feels as you did and on good days, I do try to express appreciation for his help and to show him that I still like him.  On bad days, of course, I don't like him and his attempts to help irritate me.  Part of why it took us this long (6 months) to get to the point of minimal conflict and relative peace between us that now exists, was this issue.  I kept reading into his motives in wanting to help, etc. and believing that he wouldn't be doing that if he didn't still love me (even though he was saying flat out that he didn't).  I was choosing to invest hope in what he was doing and not in what he was saying.  This seemed reasonable to me because he's always been a doer, and not a talker.  He says himself that he's not very articulate and that I talk circles around him.  Which is likely why he's never been much of a talker with me!  Having now learned not to build expectations around his help and caring has helped me to relax a bit and to try harder to actually listen to and believe what he says.  That was a hard place for me to get to as I really hate some of the things that come out of his mouth.  I'm doing it, however, because I think if I would have really listened to him years ago, we might not be in this situation (and, no, I'm not blaming myself for the affair, just trying to dissect what happened!)   

Anna26, I totally agree that this forum has become a real source of comfort for me, to be able to talk about these things in a way that no one who hasn't been through it would understand.  Sometimes what I read makes me angry but more often than not, it makes me happy to feel understood because I don't know if any of the "real" people in my life do right now.  It would be great if we could go out for coffee in person and actually talk but, then again, maybe the anonymity and the distance is what makes it so comforting.  
Quote 0 0
blythespirit
Oh, and I loved "because you've been usurped by a pretender to your throne."  Amen to that!
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Blythe..again..off topic but I had a eureka moment. I remembered what I do given chance, with the jar lid situation, may help with the mixer bowl too..
Put your rubber gloves on girl..it gives you more grip, sounds a bit dubious doesn't it but I kid you not.lol
Quote 0 0
surviving
Blythespirit & Anna26 - I was going to say the same thing.  I have rubber oven mitts that I use all the time to open jars and my son's travel mug (that sticks when he has a hot drink in it).  Saves me time and asking WH for help!
Quote 1 0
Kalmarjan
I take a butter knife and tap the lid. Nine times out of ten it comes loose then.
Quote 0 0
blythespirit
I will try the rubber oven mitts!!!! Great idea - thanks to all who contributed on this random and yet compelling thread. It's been nice to read and think about something "light" this evening, as it hasn't been one of my better days.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
I take a butter knife and tap the lid. Nine times out of ten it comes loose then.



Kal, I'm chuckling to myself here because I think one day you posted somewhere about being a chef?  Is the knife thing what they teach you at chef school then?  Lol..

I'm not to be outdone though, I know the jar lid under the hot water tap also releases the vacuum! 

How did we get onto this subject anyway.. (ah yes, my fault, haha).

It's so good to know we are still people with a sense of humour under all this doom and gloom isn't it?   Maybe we should start a 'coffee shop' thread for a bit of an escape..
Quote 0 0
ConfusedInLimbo
Thank you all so much for your insight. I guess the best thing to do is just to wait it out. I do have a confession though, this past weekend I had thought he won't be coming.
He texted and called frantically but I am doing the 180. I did not text back or pick up. Come mothers day he showed up at my doorstep. He wished me a happy mothers day and started asking why I didn't pick up the phone or respond to his messages, I then explained that as long as he is seeing and staying with another person I do not why we should communicate. I continued to state that he knows I would like the family back together but I will not carry on being a part of this 'nonsense' that is going on. He then said okay now he understands. He did deny the living with someone bit though, saying if he lived with someone would he be here every weekend ? I didn't respond.

I was a bit annoyed by his very happy mood and how he spoke with me and would ignore me in between the talk playing with the children. I got a bit angry. This is my confession and please do not judge but feel free to comment : I then texted a good friend of mine (male) to call so I can make him jealous. Indeed the friend calls and I sound very happy and put my best 'flirtatious' voice on. Once done with the call I saw him get up, stood behind me for what seemed like eternity , he had words but I figure he didn't know what to say. He quickly kissed the children goodbye , didn't say a proper goodbye to me , just an "I'm leaving" when I glanced at him he looked like he was about to cry . He banged the door on his way out, walked so fast to the car and hit it.

I felt so bad afterwards but I still haven't contacted him. I so want to text but I don't want to go back on my word. Is there any way I've ruined chances or it was his ego being bruised? I'd like any comment especially from former WS.
I still love and care for him so much although I feel I went about it the wrong way. In the same breath I have been so disrespected for 9 whole months, a single phone call makes him want to lose his life ?
I'll never get it.
Quote 0 0
ConfusedInLimbo


I don't know if that makes any sense, but in a lot of ways, I still wanted my wife to like me, and I still tried to do good things for her.

Hope that doesn't sound stupid.

Kal it does make sense and in a way soothing to know.
Quote 0 0