newmom
Hello,
I am 2.5 months out from dday. My H is a teacher and in a co-teaching classroom, so he is paired up with another teacher. I found out he was having an affair with his co-teacher throughout the entire summer (it started the last day of school and I found the MASSIVE amount of emails/photos/messages on the first day of school).  Worse of all, this happened while I was on maternity leave with our newborn daughter. It kills me just writing this out. He spent such a precious and important time in our lives, now as a family of 3, abandoning us so he could spend every chance he got being with her. This includes having sex in our bed when conned me to take a trip with my daughter, in our car, and even meeting up with the OW while he was "walked the dog".  They chatted 24/7 and I found all the saved records, including a lot of photos.  From 1 week into the affair they proclaimed their love for each other. They spent last school year building a deep friendship that crossed the line when they realized they couldnt stand the idea of separating during the summer.  It breaks my heart.  
He came home on D-day completely torn up and begging for forgiveness. I do believe he got caught up in the affair and being caught snapped him back into reality. He wants so badly to fix this, but at the same time, I don't know what to do. The worst part in all of this is that they STILL work together. We had a lot of talks after dday about how can he get out of this toxic work environment, but basically he convinced me there is no way to do it during this school year without ruining his career, so he has to wait to move classrooms or schools for next school year. So here I am, knowing every day he goes and works alongside here spending more time with her than with me. He says is it 100% over and now just a professional relationship, but I have an impossible time believing it when they were so emotionally connected. He has not denied that he was in love, or it was "intense emotions",  which I do not believe turn off light a switch just because he was caught. I so badly want to tell the AP's spouse she she is forced to deal with her actions and focus on her own marriage.  
I just feel hopeless on what to do. I am a strong person and know I will be OK if I leave, but I like the life we built together over 11 years and want my daughter to have a chance at a normal family life. I just feel like there is no way we can truly work on remediation and I can start to build trust until he is out of this school/classroom, 7 months from now! I caught him lying and calling her at night for what he 100% claims were necessary work convos (he deleted the calls/text from his phone since he lets me check it, but I found out by the phone bills..it felt like d-day 2...) Am I fooling myself that he wont do this again? How can he possibly work so closely with her and not feel tempted all the time? 

We have been in IC for a month and it has been helpful, but I often feel like he leaves feeling frustrated that I am not being clear on what I need him to do to make this better. The fact is that I have no idea if this can be healed. 
 
Has anyone had to deal with their WS continuing to work closely with their AP? How can you ever build trust again? 
 
 
 
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TimT
This is not a scenario that ANY betrayed spouse would be comfortable in. Only you can decide whether or not you are willing to put up with the situation through a whole school year. The financial implications may be a legitimate concern, but you can measure that more accurately than any of us.

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH IT:
  1. Make sure he is 100% committed to changing at the end of the year. That probably means he is already putting plans in action to make that happen. Ask him to be transparent with you in regard to everything that is being done and let him know this must happen.
  2. Ask him to take responsibility for making his school/classroom a safe place for your marriage. In whatever ways are appropriate, HE should be making the effort to invite you into the classroom (before/after school, lunches, etc.) and to special school events. He should be concerned about your feelings, not the feelings of the AP.
IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO PUT UP WITH IT:
  1. Let him know that you don't want him to lose his job, but he is in danger of losing his marriage. He needs to come up with a solution now rather than later. (Note: Be aware that this may result in financial difficulties. I can never make this decision for a couple, but I have seem some unfaithful spouses make very hard choices for the sake of saving their marriage.)
  2. Let him know how long you are willing to give him. As long as you see him sincerely working on the changes that help you feel safe, you will have some measure of comfort.
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Anna26
This is a difficult situation to be in and one I'm familiar with and certainly not comfortable with,  but my husband only works with her occasionally.
But I think you are right to have your suspicions.  I would be thinking why is it necessary to have work conversations at home?  What couldn't be sorted at school?  Why delete the texts and calls from his phone if there is nothing you can't see? 

In my case I'm not sure what happens between my husband and his AP at work now, if they still sit together at teabreak or whatever.  But I would like to think that if we were trying to reconcile (and he were living at home) he would be able to come home and say if he'd spoken to her, what the conversation was about, offer to show me his phone, for my peace of mind.
Your husband needs to be working at reassuring you as much as possible that this 'relationship' is now purely professional, and like Tim says, transparency is the key to this.
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Searching4
newmom,
I'm so sorry that you are in this position. It must be just terrible worrying about this every day. The more we talk and the more I read, I am convinced that there actually is something we call 'the affair fog' and that it really does have addictive properties.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to deal with trying to recover from the devastation of finding out about an affair, trying to recover a marriage and dealing with the fact that my wayward is in contact everyday with the affair partner. In fact the first thing I did after discovery, was to ensure the other person was removed from the workplace. Immediately. I realize that I was fortunate to be able to do this and that you are in a more difficult position.

Even if it were possible to reconcile your marriage in this situation it would require you to trust that your husband is totally committed you. He has already demonstrated that he is not to be trusted. That trust will take years to earn back. I think that that is too much to ask of you at this point. Expecting you to live with this doubt and worry every day is nothing less than cruel.

Someone needs to change jobs. And the sooner the better. This will require a huge sacrifice and potential loss of income but keeping your sanity is worth it. I really don't know how you can refrain from jumping out of your skin every day. If my H had any contact with the OP at all I would throw in the towel. Expecting you to sacrifice your mental health to keep the status quo at work makes me feel angry for you. He has to choose.

What about her? Is she married? Does her betrayed spouse know of the affair? If not, he should. Maybe you have some leverage there. One of them leaves, or the affair is blown up out of the water. This would be my number one condition for reconciliation, but I was in a position to demand this. I was also very ready to tell my husband not to come home to me as long as the other woman continued to work with him. Perhaps you are unable to do this, which makes it even more cruel.

Again, I'm so sorry you are in this position.
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Searching4
newmom,

I just re-read your post and noticed you said:

"He came home on D-day completely torn up and begging for forgiveness."

Begging? Really? I'm sure you would love to be able to forgive him, but is he willing to give up his job? He should be saying that he would do anything to try to earn your forgiveness. What was Dday? Disclosure or discovery?



"I so badly want to tell the AP's spouse so she is forced to deal with her actions and focus on her own marriage."

Why haven't you told him? Does he not have a right to know? Is he one of those many husbands who will physically abuse her if he finds out she was unfaithful? There are so many of those. So many in fact that it amazes me how many women cheat on husbands who they claim to be abusive. Don't buy it. The affair will continue to thrive as long as it is kept in the dark. Don't help them.

"I am a strong person and know I will be OK if I leave, but I like the life we built together over 11 years and want my daughter to have a chance at a normal family life."

Good. A normal family life does not include Daddy's girlfriend. Give your daughter a gift and save your marriage by insisting on no contact whatsoever, or by giving her a mother who is strong and not tormented by this each day. And if it comes to that, you don't leave, he does.

"He has not denied that he was in love, or it was "intense emotions", which I do not believe turn off light a switch just because he was caught."

Sometimes, getting caught will indeed turn the switch. But if it hasn't, the reality that they cannot continue to see each other every day while remaining married to their spouses, will. Those 'intense emotions' will fade quickly when they are no longer enabled.

"I caught him lying and calling her at night for what he 100% claims were necessary work convos (he deleted the calls/text from his phone since he lets me check it, but I found out by the phone bills..it felt like d-day 2.."

Of course it did, because it was. No way is this acceptable. None of it. And you know it.

"Am I fooling myself that he wont do this again? How can he possibly work so closely with her and not feel tempted all the time?"

Please try to hear the tone of my words. I say this very gently. Yes honey, you are fooling yourself. But only because you want so badly to believe it.
Your marriage can be saved, but not this way. Be strong for you and your little one. Stand up for yourself. Living like that must be torturous. And tell her betrayed husband.
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LLL2015
Newmom:
It IS POSSIBLE in most school districts for co-teachers to be reassigned to another mainstream teacher's classroom. This can happen at any point during a school year and for various reasons. Unless there is only one co-teacher in his school, there should not be any reason why a change could not be made if warranted. However, your WS will have to speak to his administrator and explain the circumstances. Is he willing to do that for your marriage?
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mshipp003
New mom, I feel ur pain. My husband has been having an affair with his coworker for 8 mths and they still work togeather, the kicker is I'm maternity leave and work in the same office. No words of wisdom, just share ur sadness
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J
Newmom,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My situation is very similar to yours. I have a 10-month-old son. My boyfriend of 6 years started sleeping with a co-worker 6 months ago. D-day was about two months ago. He still works with her.

No, it doesn't seem possible to rebuild trust when he's still in close contact with his AP. How can you fully move past it when the threat is still there every day? I tried, but felt like I was the only one trying. We are currently separating. It's hard and stressful and painful, but my emotional and mental state is much better without waiting at home with the baby, wondering where he is and who he's with and what they're talking about. Plus, I feel more supported by family and friends now than ever before.

You're right, you will be OK if you leave. If he doesn't want that to happen, he needs to deal with the consequences of his affair, even if that means changing jobs or even getting into a new line of work temporaruly to make ends meet. He's the one who had the affair. Why should you be the one suffering so that he doesn't have to make tough choices? I agree with searching4, a healthy family dynamic "doesn't include daddy's girlfriend."

You posted this several weeks ago. I'm wondering if anything decisions or changes have been made? Best wishes. I hope things get better for you.
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MishaDS
I am in a similar situation with my H.  He is a teacher also, but the other person works in a different department.  I am having a hard time with the situation as well and would love to know how you are handling it.  I feel my stress level go up every time I know there is a building wide meeting that I know they are going to be see each other in.  My husband gives me the same reason, "that schools only hire during certain times, so there is nothing he can do".  I do understand this, but it doesn't make the situation any easier.  I feel like the only way to survive this is for him to get out of there, but then I think it could happen somewhere else too I guess. 
I basically found emails from them at the beginning of summer.  I was becoming suspicious b/c he was on the internet more than usual and seemed to be more interested in his wardrobe/working out (all the obvious signs), not coming up to eat with us as a family (which was always priority to him), not playing with the kids as much/etc.  One night I went on the computer and saw the interactions b/w them.  What I saw was definitely crossing the line.  Subtle messages seemed to be where they were at.  Things like, "Did you drive past me while I was running this morning b/c someone did who drove your car and looked like you."  To his response of , "No, unfortunately for me."  I was sick to my stomach.  When I confronted him, he initially defended himself by saying that I don't let him talk to anyone and that's why he didn't tell me about her.  That they just talked about work and it was nothing.  He later confessed that they had started talking about work initially, but that she stroked his ego by telling him how much she admired his hard work and how "honorable" he was.  They were both married with both having 3 children.  He told me that he thought he was in control of the situation b/c he told her that he liked to talk to her, but he didn't want her to get the wrong idea b/c he was happy in his marriage.  She agreed.  The talk continued to how they were the most professional in the building, which they would later email each other throughout the day with comments like, "I see the English department is setting the standard today."  Things like that.  He swears nothing more was ever said other than that. Throughout their talks, she made a comment one time about how her Dad would like him.  He told me that he said to her, "Well that's never going to happen, so there is no need to talk about that.  I am happy in my marriage and we have 6 kids to think about."  I thought this was an odd response if he didn't think anything was going on, but he says he just said it again to make sure she knew.  I just didn't get the "we have 6 kids to think about" comment.  Toward the end of the school year, he told me he sent her an email saying, "I just want you to know that I don't want to be talking over the summer.  I've gotten used to talking to you, but we shouldn't be talking at all.  I don't want to hurt my wife, my children, or anybody."  She responded with, "I can't believe you wrote that in email".  He said, "Well I did."  He can't remember how they continued talking.  I find it odd that they had that exchange, but he can't remember anything else really coming up after that.  He says he thinks they just started casually talking again.  I just think saying, "I don't want to hurt my wife/etc." seems like a strange thing to say to someone if you didn't think you were doing anything wrong.  He says he said it b/c he didn't think he should be talking to her at all and that was the only reason.  For the next 2 weeks, he admits that he would "taunt" her by saying, "just think, pretty soon you are not going to be talking to me anymore."  And she would reply, "I don't even want to talk about that."  On the last day of school, he did admit she came down to his room, but nothing happened.  That he was getting ready to walk out the door and she basically said "oh you're leaving already" and he said yes. Later he got an email from her stating "I found myself crying today."  He says he said, "It's never good to cry".  She then called him while I was away with our oldest daughter for the morning/afternoon and he was home watching our other kids.  They talked for an hour and a half.  That seemed to be the first "personal" phone call to his cell phone that she made.  I haven't seen anything on our records seeing him calling her ever.  The next day, we spent the afternoon at soccer games, but he came home and sent the "No unfortunately for me" email to her email about whether he drove past her earlier that day.  I found these email exchanges later that same night while he was asleep downstairs.  After he sent that email to her, she sent multiple messages saying things like, "There may a reason I'm seeing you everywhere,"  "There is something I forgot to say in my message:  I'm not a fan of summer...at all." Etc.  I didn't say anything at first.  I waited to see what he would do in the morning.  He did the usual;  went downstairs with the computer.  He came up quicker than normal.  I asked him if he checked his work email.  He said no.  I proceeded to pull up the email to see all the responses deleted.  I put the computer in front of him and said, "now do you want to tell me if you checked your email?"  He told me that he sent her an email that morning (coincidently in my mind) that said, "I don't want you ever talking to me again.  Don't even respond."  He said he got wrapped up in it and didn't know how to get out.  That the only reason he talked to her was b/c he wanted his ego stroked and was so wrapped up in work at the time that that is all he ever wanted to talk about.  That he knew I was getting annoyed about him constantly talking about work, so he figured he would use her for that instead of talking to me (which he obviously admits was the wrong way to look at it).  He said he never wanted to leave me and that nothing physical ever happened.  Well, recently he admitted (6 months later) that she did come down to his room to talk after work 1 or 2 times a week, and that they would leave each other voicemails on their work phones for each other a few times a week.  These were things that he previously said they didn't do.  He said she would leave him voicemails, but that he didn't.  He swears they were always just complaining about work.  That he was so negative at the time and she just fed into it with him.  Now I feel like it all came back.  They seem like such insignificant things to lie about, so how can I believe that he would tell me something serious?  I am at a loss.  And they still work together.  He says he has had no contact with her since he sent that email, that she has not even tried to contact him.  He did say something to his boss about it over the summer in case she tried talking to him at some point, and supposedly his boss said something to her, so maybe that helped bring it into reality for her and that's why she hasn't tried contacting him, but I just don't know what to believe.  My husband is not a serial cheater.  Everyone who found out about what has been going on can't believe that this happened.  One therapist said it sounded like he had a mid life crisis.  He swears he didn't have any feelings for her, but I just don't know how he did/said the things he did, but didn't feel anything.  I admit I never saw anything really emotional.  It seems like immature flirting, but it doesn't make it any easier... especially when I keep finding out little details 6 months later.  So I can truly sympathize with your situation.  How do you trust again?  How can I believe anything that he says.  He has been a model husband/father now, but....I just don't know.  I pray that your husband can find a new job!  And that he becomes a better man!  Would appreciate some helpful words! 
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Dirazz
This makes me so sad that we are all going through this. It wasn't our decision to be unfaithful yet we get to deal with all the aftermath. I am about 5 months from DD. My husbands affair was short lived . Flirting and sexting for about 5 weeks that turned into 2 physical encounters. The physical was in a 7 day period. And honestly I know it couldn't have been that great in the back of a car for 15 min. My husband broke things off after the second encounter because of extreme guilt. He said he never thought he really crossed the line until it got physical. He knows now that once you flirt with another while married is crossing the line. Our counselor set him straight and told him there is no such thing as innocent flirting. This was a co worker. She also was married with kids and 16 years younger than him.( big ego boost)
I spoke to the AP via text the day I found out and she told me that he broke it off because he loves me and couldn't do it anymore. And that she persude him and it was all her fault. All things he told me right before I texted her. But that still doesn't make me feel any better. The bottom line on the job thing is he had to quit! It was the first step that had to be taken for my recovery and healing. DD was on a Sunday and first thing Monday morning he went to HR and turned his notice effective immediately! He put in the letter the reason why. He said he had to start somewhere on being honest. He told HR that he was on work property when his indiscretion happened and since it was against policy he must leave. That was huge for me. That was the start of my healing and feeling secure again. It's the responsibility of the WS to make the BS feel safe and secure again. After all they are the ones that took it away to begin with. My husband has taken all those steps and more. I know he loves me. He has been an excellent husband up until the 2 months this summer. Even then I had NO idea what was going on at work because everything was great at home. Still holding hands and still making love still sending me love texts. All the things that we have been doing since the beginning of our marriage.
My husband is a RN and works with mostly females. We had long talks about how some females can be before he finished nursing school. My husband was never really a flirt he's very out going to all. But I told him some women are ruthless and will come after what they want even if your married. I don't think he ever really thought it would happen to him. But guess what it did. She came after him hard core! And he loved the attention at first. Then it got to be annoying he said. She expected extra help at work and thought that he should be sitting by her at the nurses station on off time etc.. But still my husband could have said no! But he didn't. I will never understand that. And that's what I have a hard time coming to terms with. But I can tell you with a lot of work you can make your marriage work! I had to ask myself was 2 months of him acting like a complete idiot worth throwing away the 16 years that he has treated me like a queen? NO it's not! But he also knows that I will not give him any more chances on being faithful! Make you WS start the work with the healing process. But keep in mind that at some point you will also have to put in effort to save your marriage.
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