blythespirit
I had moments yesterday that weren't my finest. My WS and I are separated because he continues to maintain minimal contact with his AP, almost 8 months after dday. He remains noncommittal about our marriage and me and has stated outright that he isn't in any rush to make a decision. He doesn't live with her, and he has remained actively and wonderfully engaged with our children. I have been very clear about the OW having no contact with our children, which is not always easy to enforce because she has children the same age and we live in a small town. In any case, he has never challenged me on keeping her away from them.

So, yesterday I saw a woman who looked like her walked up the street past our house (not a street she would have any business being on because it leads nowhere). I thought it was her and it triggered hurt and rage in me as strong as the immediate aftermath on Dday. I texted my WS and yelled (all caps!) at him to tell her to stay the hell away from my house, and so on and so forth. (I'm sure all the BSs here can fill in the blanks pretty easily!). He responded simply by saying that he understood. I wasn't happy with that response and continued to push until he finally asked what did I want him to do. He also said that he "seriously doubted" it was her. Well, that enraged me further because I immediately assumed he doubted it because he was either with her at the time, was talking to her, knew her plans, or whatever. I imagined all sorts of nefarious reasons for why he said that.

He refused to answer the question of how he knew and said he wasn't ignoring me but that he wasn't going to respond any more at that point. I continued to rant at him, via text, off and on all evening and while he responded here and there he refused to engage in the substance of what I was saying.

Fast forward to the point where he had enough and he got angry and he called me. Although the conversation started off badly, and no wonder, it came around finally to the crux of the matter. That I've continually felt that he doesn't care about how painful it is when I run into her and that he dismisses my feelings about it. At which point he said that I have no idea how consumed he is with trying to protect the kids and I from the fallout, and to try to avoid me having to be around her. That he had called her immediately after receiving my first text because he was livid at the thought she would have done something so insensitive. She said she hadn't and wouldn't have done that. I asked him why he hadn't just told me that from the beginning and he said because I knew you would be pissed off that I called her. He stated in no uncertain terms, and he was fired up when he said it, that if anything like that actually happens, and I feel disrespected or threatened by her or anyone associated with her, that I have to tell him because he needs to be able to protect me from what he's done. Whoa. I was stunned and speechless. No small feat, I assure you.

He's never said anything about "protecting" me before. I love that he said it but I know I'll read into that that he does still love me, even though he won't say that. He still said last night that he just doesn't know if we can "get along". Seems like conflicting messages to me and so I don't know how to proceed. I softened immediately though at his words. My question is does his need to try and protect me mean anything more than that he just feels bad about what he did? Should I try to talk to him about that, even though he still talks to her? also thought, and I'd like to know what others think, that if I was the OW and my AP called me up livid about being disrespectful to his wife, I would feel pretty bad about that. Would seem clear, if that's what actually happened, where his priorities lie.

In any case, if anyone's still reading this (incredibly long, I know), your thoughts would be much appreciated.
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sunflower07
Well, I'm reading and I've been where you are. The triggers are AWFUL and almost an out of body experience, at least they were in my case.

About 2 months ago I had a terrible one. My husband had to leave our house for something and I was "convinced" he was going to meet his AP even though he had ended it a few months before. I decided I was going to " catch" them and drove to where she works and sat there waiting for my husband to arrive. He never did and I really don't know if she was working that day. I've never met her and I've only seen her pic on FB. I don't even know what kind of car she drives! After 20 minutes I realized I was in a trigger moment and I left. Not proud of myself but it seemed to be something I needed to do at the time.

As I read what you write about your husband, I see a lot of positive! He is still taking care of his family in his actions. And he is staying close even though he isn't in your house. Hold onto that. It means something.

I can also tell you that the words I wanted from my husband were the very LAST thing to come from him. His actions spoke more at first. In fact, his words are only now returning since I started the Surrendering process.

I really think my husband's guilt is part of the reason we had the wedge between us. When I did things that emphasized his guilt, he moved away from me. That makes sense doesn't it? No one wants to feel guilt and our human nature is to move away from things that cause us to have that feeling.

I think as my husband's guilt shifted to remorse, things began to get better between us. Maybe try to think about how your actions might help him make this shift. Being vulnerable is helpful here and it sounds like you showed him some vulnerability and he responded to it! He took your side. He just won't admit this for some reason yet. Maybe he has to go through the motionbefores he realizes it inside himself?

I would count this experience as a positive!
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blythespirit
Thank you, Sunflower! I think I count it as a positive too but wanted reassurance that I'm not looking for positives so hard that I'm creating them where they don't exist. I think you're right too, that when I remind him of all he has to feel guilty about, he shuts down and moves away from me. This afternoon, when I got home from work, we had a few moments together as we traded "shifts" with the kids. I told him that it touched my heart last night when he talked about protecting me. He didn't say much, which isn't unusual, but he did reiterate the point that the kids and I are his priorities and he wants to see us happy. i gave him a hug, which hasn't happened in a long time, and I think he appreciated that too. Interestingly, since you mentioned surrendering again, I told him in the second part of our conversation that I don't want to handle our finances anymore and I think he liked that too. And, I do feel a bit of relief!

Also, I laughed at your story about just "knowing" your husband left to see his AP! I've done the same sort of thing. Not a whole lot but I just get consumed sometimes with the feeling that something bad is happening and I have to stop it NOW!!! I've driven to my husband's office randomly during the day to see if her car is there, and I do know what she drives. She never has been but, then again, how stupid would that be for her to park her car in front of his office. Duh, but in those trigger moments reason seems to just fly right out the window!
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sunflower07
So funny! I had a discussion today about surrendering finances to my husband. So far he seems willing. I think it's a really good sign that your husband is willing to take this on for you too.

People reading our conversation must think we are crazy talking about relinquishing finances to our former cheating spouses but I really think my husband wants this and I DO trust him in this area.

Hopefully it will also help increase the trust between us as time goes on.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Blythespirit I think it is a very great sign. For him to actually say it out loud that you are his priority. Sounds to me like he's not completely done with you.

Do however keep making yourself better and work on you. I've seen alot of glimpses (haha) of hope here and there since my H and I separated and id quickly turn my focus onto him only to be disappointed. It sounds good what your H said but keep a safe distance emotionally only to protect yourself.
Until you feel the shift in his behaviour, guard your heart. With that said I am still very happy for you that it looks better.
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blythespirit
Thank you to both of you, sunflower and confused, for your responses. I agree with you both that I'm seeing some positives from him. But I am definitely still very guarded with him emotionally and focusing primarily on myself. I think people may say I'm crazy for relinquishing control of our finances to him right now, and I AM crazy - that's a fact - but I don't think I am in this particular respect! Everything I'm reading about surrendering leads me to believe that if I start treating him like I trust and respect him again he will rise to the occasion, even under these unfortunate circumstances. And if he doesn't I don't see that I'm any worse off!
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sunflower07
blythespirit wrote:
Thank you to both of you, sunflower and confused, for your responses. I agree with you both that I'm seeing some positives from him. But I am definitely still very guarded with him emotionally and focusing primarily on myself. I think people may say I'm crazy for relinquishing control of our finances to him right now, and I AM crazy - that's a fact - but I don't think I am in this particular respect! Everything I'm reading about surrendering leads me to believe that if I start treating him like I trust and respect him again he will rise to the occasion, even under these unfortunate circumstances. And if he doesn't I don't see that I'm any worse off!


Blythespirit,

I think the same thing as you. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
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