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Kalmarjan
Freewill76 wrote:
Maybe your right UrbanExplorer - I guess it is about him,everyone keeps saying that to me . But gee it feels like I've been so easily replaced and he makes out like she's the love of his life. Makes me feel like he's been passing the time with me until she came along. Will he ever Look at her and think what have I done??
Or maybe he is truly happy and it was easier to be with her then his own family??


I was in your WS situation two years ago. I can tell you, unequivocally, in my case it turned out that the grass was greener on the other side - - because it was FAKE.

I can guarandamntee that your husband HAS thought, regularly, to himself "WTH am I doing here?"

But we push that down. Even though the situation might be screaming "NO!!!" in our faces, we make an excuse so we don't see it. This is known as the fog.

In my case, my wife was not replaced. You could NEVER replace my wife. NEVER.

But right now your husband is where I was. He has this new person who is showing and showering him with "love" (=attention), so he can't see it. He's in the fog of a love bomb.

In my case (and I'm telling you this because I suspect your husband is in the same situation) I knew that I screwed up. But I was also mixed up, and it seemed like I was trying to do the best that could. Looking back, the best, and easiest thing to do would be fess up, cut AP out of my life, and work on my marriage. All the things I ended up doing anyway.

The problem with all that was that I didn't want to look bad. I don't like dissapointing people, and I didn't want to be the villain there. I also thought that I was garbage, and didn't deserve to have a second chance. I actually sort of punished myself because I thought (stupidly) that I had to make everything right by doing what I thought was the honourable thing.

(I don't know why, but at that time, keeping the AP and trying to make the "new" relationship "work" so I could prove that the one I messed up wasn't my fault, it was on my wife.

I don't know if I'm explaining it quite right. I'm putting myself out there because I genuinely think your H may be in the same way.

One thing for me, my child had a BIG impact on me coming back. It wasn't long before it dawned on my that there is NO way that my son would ever fit into a family dynamic of me and my AP. Man, if we had a kid together (my AP and I?) That would have been beyond stupid. I'm lucky, so lucky that didn't happen. It almost did. I could never do that to my son.... Put him in a situation like that? No way.

So, I think your husband is kind of living it up now. He isn't thinking clearly, and it won't last forever. Things tend to unravel quickly. If your husbands bond with his children are strong, they will play a big role in breaking through this fog.
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Freewill76
Thanks for your insight Kalmarjan, I wish it wasn't too late. I love him still but know in my heart I couldn't forgive him now. All trust and respect has gone
The way he (and his family) have treated me in the last 6 months is unforgivable. You wouldn't believe me if I told you some of the things said and done to me and the kids. My H has told our 4 kids it is "non negotiable" " he will not give up the opportunity to spend the rest of his life with her " so if the girls can't accept their relationship then they won't be in his life. He puts it back on them by saying its there choice!!
They girls Will not accept her and have chosen to have nothing to do with him
And of course I get the blame for the kids not wanting anything to do with him
From your posts I've read you never gave up on your son!
I'm struggling with my pain and also there's, it breaks my heart all over again
Anyway he lives with her and works with her so there would never be a chance of No contact for him to even get out of the fog!!
Thanks Kalmarjan for all your insight I read all your posts, it helps me a little to know its not all my fault ( can't seem to get that out of my head) you have no idea how AH community have helped me survive this last 6 months
I find myself at my lowest around 3/4 o'clock in the morning and i log on here to help me through these desperate times
To everyone here. A big thank you x



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UrbanExplorer
Freewill76, any chance of family therapy?
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Freewill76
Not a chance. tried with kids once when it first happened. He didn't like hearing what they had to say and He said it was too expensive. And girls won't even consider it at moment. I suppose you can only be hurt so many times before you eventually say no more and I think that is what the girls have done, they just can't handle anymore rejection.
Life is better with the AP - no responsibility, no kids etc
He really is living it up like Kalmarjan said. He enjoys the good life going overseas for 6 weeks with her while he barely pays child support. I just got $350.00 for 4 kids for the month. So when I say he dumped his kids he has done so financially, emotionally and physically too by not being in their lives at all. Sad part is we still live in the same town. He could see them when he wants.
Struggling bad at moment that's all........ Will have a pity party with some chocolate and pick myself up again and keep going for another few days.


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surviving
Freewill76 - your update breaks my heart.  I am so sorry for you and your children.  
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Mia2003
Hi free will, I too continue to wake up at 4 am, have done for the last couple of months so I feel for you.

Kal it is always reassuring to hear your point of view. For me , my h tells his mum he is determined for this relationship with ow to work!! Mil also said he makes a big thing about being happy. I'd like to believe that it's all hot air and that he is trying too hard as things probably aren't as rosey with her but don't know if that's just wishful thinking .

So wish he'd wake up and come home ......Kal is there anything I can do to change his mind? At the moment I can't even talk to him.
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