AHmember58 Show full post »
Scarlett

I would like to give a different perspective from a WS, but I also want to say first I don't think the way he is treating you is acceptable at all. 

For the past 17 months I have gone back and forth between hate and love of my AP, so I understand where he's coming from. These relationships are so toxic and out of the ordinary some moments we have feelings for our AP, and other times it's every man/woman for themselves. Both my AP and I have gone back and forth between hurting each other because we are so bitter over the situation we got ourselves into and just want to protect ourselves and our family, and then other times we remember what we had and try to protect each other. (This is only happening in my situation because the relationship has gone public.) I do think the NC (as necessary as it is) gives rise to these back and forth emotions. At times we remember the fantasy, and other times we remember what a bad choice it was.

My H also has the same feelings as you that if there is still feelings for the AP, he cannot work on the marriage with me. I really believe this is unrealistic. As some have mentioned on here before, it seems unlikely the WS can turn off feelings they had for someone else so quickly. But....if the WS is actively working on the marriage, working on themselves and there is no contact with the AP and no more lies and deception, I do believe recovery is possible. Admitting feelings for the AP is being honest in my opinion, and should not necessarily mean recovery cannot happen. 

All that being said, the actions of your WS does not appear he feels committed to the decision he made to stay in the marriage. Refusing to go to counseling, still throwing her in your face, wanting to brush it under the rug, all is not what is needed for recovery. I agree with the others here that you should take care of you right now and give him some tough love. I did not fully commit to recovery until my H made me sign a legal separation agreement and we became physically separated. When I realized how awful that experience was for me and my family, I woke up real quick.  

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Anna26
Well said Scarlett, I agree with you. It's not something they can just switch off and they are maybe being honest, but as you are also very aware, it's something that can change, when you are prepared to work on things.  My own husband says he still has a lot of feelings for his AP, but as he is still currently living away from the family home I'm not as aware of this as I would be normally.  It's almost like what then eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve for. 
The ball is in his court, and if he learns to catch hold of it all, well and good, but until then, I just carry on with my life.
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awaggoner1999
AHmember58 wrote:
Kalmarjane
Everything that you have said is spot on, you're not brutal at all, I'd say truthful is more the word and I've only written about the tame stuff he says and does. I am literally crying as I write this because of what you've written, not crying in a bad way but more like relief that I'm not crazy, that I'm not the only one that sees it. 
I've been told so many times that what I'm saying is wrong, that how I remember it is wrong, how I think is wrong.
Everything gets twisted around and turned back onto to me because nothing is ever his fault. The fact that you can see what's going on and what he's doing and not doing has given me some strength to know that I'm not making it up like he tells me I am.
The day is coming where I do tell him that I have had enough and that he has to go and I know that it has to be done very matter of factly. That's why I have continued with therapy, to make me stronger emotionally and mentally but I'm not strong enough yet but I will keep working on it because I think I would be happier alone then alone in a marriage. he still knows which buttons to push to make me feel like I am nothing and that no one would ever want me. I've lost count of the amount of times he has told me that I'm fat, ugly, lazy and not worth the effort, yet the ow looks like a dropped pie.
On another note I don't think he "has a pair" as you call it, I think the ow took them too.
He didn't just hurt me with everything that he has done and said, he has completely devastated and broken me. The pain of being unloved and unwanted is a heartbreaking pain that no one should ever have to go through and then to be told that it's your own fault because he isn't man enough to deal with his actions.
I never thought I would be a damaged and unwanted wife. 



AHMember58,
You are far from alone and far from crazy. This Saturday will make one year since D-Day (I discovered his affair with an intern the age of our adult daughter… and his subsequent high intensity Ashley Madison activity. And on and on - to date, my WS has not had the courage or the decency to own the mess he made.

My WS went as far as to tell me when I asked what went wrong in our marriage from his perspective – (In a very matter of fact tone) “I don’t want to tell you all the things you did wrong”. I literally laughed and cried at the same time. The incredulousness of the statement was just surreal. I know and own my faults.

Several times, after I had collected significant proof (roughly Late February 2015), he would tell me that what I had found was not what it was and that I was crazy. He would repeatedly become angry because I had invaded his privacy. Mind you, prior to this, I had never – and I mean- never invaded his privacy as he called it. I felt that was something that was important to him…little did I know. Meanwhile, all throughout our marriage I was an open book. No secrets, no lies, no male friends, and on and on…I never wanted him to question my loyalty, my fidelity or the integrity of me as a woman.

Back to a few months after D-Day, he withdrew constantly from any conversation that required any modicum amount of ownership, self-actualization or just flat out honesty. I know what kind of wife I was, and I wasn’t perfect. But my belief system and aspirations for my life, my family, and our marriage were positive and optimistic – never did I want to inflict emotional harm or to make him feel a lesser individual. Unfortunately, I allowed him to inflict that exact treatment upon me throughout our marriage- I felt unlovable, worthless, lesser and far from equal and more like a burden. I felt unattractive and unwanted. I attempted to change and constantly transformed to whatever preconceived notion he had of the ideal wife…sadly, I never fit. It seemed to always be a moving target. This is something I have worked on in IC and am much better at this. My WS’s betrayal was definitely an eye opener to me identifying that I had lost myself in trying to work on our marriage over the years…essentially, my self-esteem had taken a back door to working on us.

Being broken is a phase of this and you will mend (with or without him). I went through a lengthy process, but I am happy where I am…I gave him 6 months to try and change…he did nothing, so I crossed my line in the sand and didn’t look back.

You will survive this…focus on you…remember the things you like and love and do them, find new things, immerse yourself in other things that make you feel happy and fulfilled…

Let him wallow in his mess for a while and allow him to witness your rise from the ashes – you deserve to be happy…and you should be.[smile]



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Kalmarjan
.... And let me tell you... Nothing smarten up an ass like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes and is doing very well without you.

My wife did that, and there was no denying that she would be okay without me. It took away all that justification, arrogance, everything. I realized then exactly what I stood to lose.
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AHmember58
Thank you all for giving me different perspectives to think about and take into consideration as well as sharing your experiences and passing on helpful knowledge. 

I now know that after christmas I have to make some hard decisions about my future. I can't sit around waiting for him to show some sort of interest in me, I think I'll be waiting a lifetime. I need to show interest in me because I was always so focused on him and the kids that I forgot that I matter as well.

I really think I need to set myself a limit with the unlimited chances he has been getting and a time frame because I don't want to be writing the same about the topic this time next year. Start setting goals for myself and become someone that I am going to like and be content with. 

Looks like 2016 is the year for finding me. [smile] 
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