Confusedotw
I’ve been the OTW to my partner for going on 10 years. We started as friends with benefits when I was 28 and he was 40. I did and still do have commitment issues. We are coworkers for the same company but not department. We only see each other at work. But he says he spends more time with me than his wife.because they work opposite shifts. And we both work a lot of overtime.  I come from a family were my father always cheated. His other women liked to party and go out unlike my mom who was a homebody and identified as a mother and wife. I hated those women for taking my dads attention from us. So ironic that I find myself the OTW. At first like I said it was FWB. Then slowly he started calling me to chat. Then wanted to know my whereabouts. He broke things off with me after 3 yrs and I accepted it and moved on. After 6 months he showed up at my apartment unannounced. And we had unprotected sex for the first time. I had a condom but he said we didn’t need them anymore. That moment everything changed. He started asking my opinion on his choices that impacted his family. Like if he should buy property. How to deal with his stepson legal problems. I would handle his personal business on his behalf pretending to be his wife. I even learned about accounts his wife doesn’t even know about. Our sex life was more frequent but became less adventurous as before. I started to fall in love.  But I told myself it’s only sex and talked myself out of those feelings. Just like my dad would never dream of leaving my mom for his affair partners and outright said they were just for a good time. I told myself this was my role too. I knew he was married when we started but his wife was in another country the 1st year we started. So I deluded myself to think it wasn’t hurting anyone. And once his wife came home. We kept things at work. And I told him #1 rule was to protect his family. He is a great involved father. And I would never want his kids to look at him like I did my dad. Secondly noone could find out. And if talk started it would have to end. This was the first rule he broke. Talk started and I told him we had to end. He said no he would just be more careful. Because although  he wanted to and needed to leave me alone, he couldn’t. Those were his exact words.  Everything was status quo until last year. He’s now 50 and says his sex drive is gone. It’s been a year since we had any sexual contact. I’m like ok. He no longer needs me my purpose is gone. But now it’s like he is holding on even more. Now he’s more affectionate with kisses, hugs and hand holding than before. And more jealous always asking if I’m cheating on him.  During a discussion recently about someone else I stated I couldn’t give advice because I have never been in love.  He just looked at me and said wow thank you sarcastically. He acted like I hurt his feelings. Now I’m more confused. I know he loves his wife and  family. And sex is no longer my purpose I don’t know what he wants from me. I don’t believe he would leave his wife for me and I don’t want him to. That’s why I agreed to this situation. It’s just part time. I’m not good a relationships. And if I’m being honest I can’t even imagine having sex with him again. But I love the friendship I have with him. Since sex is no longer a factor I don’t see it as an affair anymore but he says things about guilt. Like he still does. And he always asking if I’m talking to someone and about my schedule. I’m just confused. I always thought affairs were sex based. Especially for a man. I want to officially say the words that we are over. But then second guess myself by believing that since we haven’t had sex in a year it’s over and he just hasn’t said the words so I’ll embarrass myself by bringing it up. But the non sexual intimacy confuses me. I have no one to talk to so I just talk myself in circles.
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Kiki
You are having an emotional affair.
End it!
You are not ‘just’ friends. 

For the first time,  really think about his wife, his children and what you have done. 

D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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Sadie
Read through all the other posts on here.  See the devastation it causes to the poor, clueless betrayed spouse.   Please, stop aiding and abetting his lack of respect to his wife, his family and his marriage.   
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Keepabuzz
Confused,
    I agree with others here. End it, it is most certainly, without a shadow of a doubt an affair, it always was, and it still is. Sex is part of sexual affairs, but there are emotional affairs as well. Both are terribly damaging.  All affairs include lies, deception, but most also include abuse. He has very likely abused his wife for all these years.  He has likely gaslighted her, manipulated her, etc. He has betrayed her and their children physically, emotionally, financially, etc.

 Isn’t the entire situation horribly disrespectful to you as well? Is that the life you want for yourself? To be some guy’s side piece? Obviously not a “good guy” either. He cheats on his wife and children, hides money from his wife and children, I could go on, and on.  I would say cut your loses, and resolve to never be “the other woman” again. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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notemanj
Please stop seeing this man. Sign up for Tinder if you don’t want to be in a relationship. Find someone out there who won’t be hurting anyone else at the same time. That isn’t someone you want to be with at all, even if it is just FWB. 

My guess is, that you have some childhood issues to work through, seeing as you chose a daddy figure to have an affair with. You need a therapist. I have my own father who was much like yours. And my WH has an affair with someone half his age. I know what I’m talking about.

And you are a human. You deserve someone who wants only you and doesn’t want to lie to everyone about you. 

Continuing this relationship is hurting his family. People who have done nothing to you. You are causing his wife and children more pain than you can imagine. And this man is NO FRIEND. He is using you and abusing his family. 

Finally, if you get the guts to stop this madness, please do me and every other BS out here a favor. Apologize to his wife for the pain you have caused. Tell her how sorry you are that you inserted yourself into her life. And then never contact any of them again. Get a new job. Move. Just leave them alone.
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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anthropoidape

There's a very great deal to unpick in what you have written. I will only say... it is no wonder you feel confused a lot because much of what you say about your relationship with this man, and about the man himself, is totally factually incorrect. For example, he is in no sense whatsoever a good husband or father; he is an extremely abusive one - and this is just one example. 

You need to cut him off completely and only when this line has been truly drawn will you have the beginning of a full, healthy, fulfilling emotional life. You have terribly wasted many years and you have done enormous damage to the lives of others, even if that damage has not made its appearance yet. Assuming his wife doesn't know yet, when she finds out it could destroy her life, his life, or their children's lives. The consequences could be as small as a complete explosion of everything they have built materially, or as substantial as a suicide. The less present you are in their world at that time, the better. I do not think you need to explain a thing to him, frankly; it was always a given that your relationship could end at any moment and you can decide it's that moment whenever you like.

Once you have some distance from it and hopefully some experience of a real relationship with a decent adult, you will have a different perspective on everything you have written above (and everything else you haven't written too). I fear it will not be pretty and the things you come to understand will be quite painful. 

I am really sorry you are in this rather sad place. Then again of the three adults (and however many children) involved you are in the least bad place for what's around the corner. The sooner you start with as clean a slate as possible the better. 

One of the really hard things about being in a clandestine affair is that it is secret by definition, and so you can't gain the perspective that can come from dialogue with objective friends. Counselling may be the best way to address this problem. 

Good luck.

Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sorry
An affair begins with secrecy in a marriage, not with sex. Your affair partner has definitely been having an affair. 

If he is complaining of guilt and shame it is because he actually does not want to be with you but has dug himself so deeply into a pit of betrayal that he does not know how to get out. 

The fact that you have not had sex in a year is also a sign that he is really trying to stop The affair but he does not know how, and probably that he no longer desires you if my understanding of most men is correct?!

I can promise you that his wife will not allow you to remain a part of his life once she knows. HE is terrified of what she will do when she finds out , particularly that she and his kids will despise him and leave him. He is terrified to live with his actions and their consequences.

I hate to state it so directly, been done that.

He does not know how to be a good husband and you are his weakness or drug, not in a romantic "aww cute way" in a sick addiction co-dependant suercidal way. He wants nothing more that to stop, but he actually lacks any self discipline from years and years of just doing what he wants.

You are not The romantic heroine in this saga, you are the sad toxic dependant character that you probably assume is being played by his wife. Hate to tell you but The roles are not The way you imagine, society sadly will also see it this way. His wife is not you mother. 

I am sorry that you grew up with infidelity. It has messed up you view on healthy relationships. 

Break it off, tell him that you will tell his wife if he does not, pray for his kids that you have played in a home with a broken marriage.

You are not only one to blame by all means, but for society you are The easiest one to blame.
Be prepared to leave you job because work becomes unbareable, be prepared to have all of your colleages judge you as untrustworthy and someone who is weakness at decision making. 

I with you lots of strength, you are currently your worst self. And I only know this because give or take a few meaningless specifics, I was where you are.

Best of luck and wake up!
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Confusedotw
Thank you for the advice. I know I need to stop this and you are right it is a twisted father figure relationship. Despite everything I still look for his approval on decisions I make. And I deluded myself into thinking we can say the words we are just friends and nothing changes except the intimacy stops and I stop turning down dates. And we are just friendly coworkers again.  I screwed up. I’m not use to breaking up with men. Since I have always been distant in past situations. And they weren’t involved or had access to different areas of my life. I never ended things like an adult. I simply ghosted them. Cut all communication and avoided locations that increased the chance I would run into them. I plan on transferring campuses soon but he said he’s going with me. I’m even changing shifts. He knows I won’t say anything because I’m so conscious of my reputation. So threatening him he knows is a lie. He tells me he can feel I don’t want him around sometimes but until I tell him he’s not allowed in my department he’ll come by. Because he became friends with my department coworkers it’s not just my invitation anymore. I just need to stop being a coward and say the words. Because my sexual desire for him is gone and if I’m honest with myself he seems more like a chore. I’m just scared what it will do to my work environment. I don’t want anyone to notice us avoiding each other and start talking.  That is my greatest fear. Anyone knowing because I am ashamed. Writing this all down makes me realize I’m not as confused as I think. I’m just scared to do what I know needs to be done. 
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Sorry
It is going to be awkward. He will probably behave in ways that hurt. Amazingly enough sometimes being ignored or overlooked will hurt too.

I still work with my Ex AP and the only reason I made It through purgatory is that I know I am stronger that him and I refused to leave a job I love because a bad decision wrecked everything.

It will be tough, people will know. You will just have to hold your head up high and focus on you and your own life. It is normal to feel exposed and vaunerable. Nobody likes other people to shine a spot light on their poor decisions.

Man up, own your actions and screw his reputation. Worry about rebuilding yours. By living the most compassionate and responsible life.

Get a therapist. If You do this right It will not be easy. If It feel to easy, You are probably doing a superficial job.

Sorry for the harshness. I went back the first time I decided to end it because it was easier. I will never again take the easy path. 
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blythespirit
Wow, Sorry ~ so spot on to everything you wrote . . . and good luck to you, Confused.  I hope you’ll find the strength to follow through on what you know you need to do.  This community is a wealth of experience and support and can help bolster your resolve when needed. 
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Sorry
It also helps to start something new in your own life to keep you busy.

I started gym, running and a silversmithing class to make silversmithing jewellery.

New classes mean you meet new people and learn new skills, you will also start to feel proud of your accomplisments.

The distraction helps you get over the initial hurdle of doing what needs doing but is hard.
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Avellino1
If at all possible.  Try to imagine being his wife and what she would make of this situation. How did your fathers affairs impact on your mother?? If you had a daughter would you want her to discover her husband has secret relationships with other women??.  Please wake up and stop hurting someone who has never done you no wrong.
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