TimT
Here's my opinion...

Any relationship that takes the place of what should be given to your spouse—either physically or emotionally—should be considered an act of infidelity. It steals what was promised to your spouse and gives it someone else.

Just because the investment is emotional rather than physical doesn't mean it is less serious. In fact, an emotional relationship is usually more damaging that one that is only sexual and it is much more difficult to end. (And when there are both emotional and sexual connections, it becomes even more entangling.)

Even an online relationship that never crosses sexual boundaries will likely be experienced as betrayal by your partner/spouse. Any word, feeling, touch, or desire that belongs to your partner but is given to someone else in a relationship, whether casual or serious, falls into the category of infidelity.

It's an affair.
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Hope4Healing
I agree with you 110%. Throw in the equation that it was my best friend, and we've really got a mess. I'll have to share my story. Would love to know I'm not alone.
Hope4Healing
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EAM
Agree'd. My sexual infidelity was very brief, but detaching from the 'lover' took much longer and I know the emotional connection was equally- if not more- hurtful, since my partner saw (and i now agree, though I didn't at first) that the ongoing communication indicated an "long term exit point" from the marriage. Even though I was trying to end the inappropriate conversation, and it eventually required legal assistance, my concern for gently handling the needs of the other person indicated to my partner that I had fewer concerns for her.

She saw the long term communication as an "Ejector Seat' strategy, a cowardly way for me to force her hand, to end the marriage. Luckily for me, I am coming to terms with the ambiguity I've been living with, realizing the remarkable lovable traits of my partner more fully while in exile.
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Godspeach
Anytime a person is spending too much time with another person talking about personal issues that only they should be sharing with their spouse it's TROUBLE!!! Run. No one is immune. Once the oxytocin starts flowing there is NO TURNING BACK. My husband's sexual addiction grew more and more. As he withdrew from me for several years, finally got busted via lie detector, I was crushed. He had been. Heating the whole time since we were dating in high school.

Fast forward he withdrew into his "work" and when he came home went straight to the bedroom. We had no sex for three straight years. I found out he had began a three year affair with a woman who was totally unattractive, not bright, and secretly living with a drug dealing boyfriend. My children have special needs, and he left me to raise them alone.

I was almost driven to suicide and end up with PTSD for the past recovery period. He and I attended several seminars alone and together, but he continued to play with fire. His games almost got the best of me several months ago when he started blame shifting about why the children were not close to him among other things..ALL MY FAULT.

A male acquaintance re entered my life via social media, and by that time, I was wide open!!! My faith and resolve were weakened by years of lies, hurt, and rejection. We began talking and he turned the conversation into an illicit road. It took a great deal of prayer for me from friends, and a direct intervention from the Lord to stop me from making a huge mistake!!!!

It was WRONG...NO EXCUSES. I told my husband and it got UGLY...The so called friend (which he NEVER WAS) turned on me, started accusing me of being crazy, and after blasting me..told me to stay away from HIM. THAT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! I could have made a bad situation worse, but good friends and God's Grace saved me in the nick of time.

The guy has since rejoined social medial and is "friends" with my son. I think he's up to something. I was blind and stupid. My broken heart almost got the best of me
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TimT
Godspeach wrote:
Anytime a person is spending too much time with another person talking about personal issues that only they should be sharing with their spouse it's TROUBLE!!! Run. No one is immune...


I just posted a self-test created by another counselor, Linda MacDonald: "Early Signs of an Inappropriate Relationship." Members might find it useful in evaluating their own relationships, or asking a partner to consider a relationship of concern.

Download the Self-Test here: community.affairhealing.com/post/self-test-signs-of-an-inappropriate-relationship-7393416?pid=1287069741
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Ataloss
Hope4Healing wrote:
I agree with you 110%. Throw in the equation that it was my best friend, and we've really got a mess. I'll have to share my story. Would love to know I'm not alone.


Hi Hope4Healing....my husband has had an emotional affair (not too convinced its only that) for what turns out to be anout 18-24 mths....with my best friend!  I live in a small town, so Ive worked not to approach her on it, but we have cut ties with her and family.  My husband has told me he doesnt love me and clearly only with me at the momet as an obligatiion.  Essentially ive lost, my best friend, all other friends, my husband and all that I had here in this small town, even my job will be lost (as we work together and he is my boss) - i will have to change job to ensure we have some space.

My question is...what to do now.  I have handed him Tim letter and ive gotten a really half hearted reaction to it.
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UrbanExplorer
Ataloss wrote:


Hi Hope4Healing....my husband has had an emotional affair (not too convinced its only that) for what turns out to be anout 18-24 mths....with my best friend!  I live in a small town, so Ive worked not to approach her on it, but we have cut ties with her and family.  My husband has told me he doesnt love me and clearly only with me at the momet as an obligatiion.  Essentially ive lost, my best friend, all other friends, my husband and all that I had here in this small town, even my job will be lost (as we work together and he is my boss) - i will have to change job to ensure we have some space.

My question is...what to do now.  I have handed him Tim letter and ive gotten a really half hearted reaction to it.


Does she know that you know? I think it would be hard not to confront a best friend about that, at least once, or write a letter.
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Ataloss
She instigated a fight with me after my husband cut ties with her.  She clearly was not getting what she wanted and I was clearly not her main aim, my husband was.  So in this small own she is probably spreading rumours to cover up everything she may have done...making us look bad.  i have kept it quiet and not approached her at all as this would blow everything out and affect our jobs and my children.  In all this i have a little bit of a suspicion that she may have a small susupicion that i may know.
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Hope4Healing
Ataloss wrote:


Hi Hope4Healing....my husband has had an emotional affair (not too convinced its only that) for what turns out to be anout 18-24 mths....with my best friend!  I live in a small town, so Ive worked not to approach her on it, but we have cut ties with her and family.  My husband has told me he doesnt love me and clearly only with me at the momet as an obligatiion.  Essentially ive lost, my best friend, all other friends, my husband and all that I had here in this small town, even my job will be lost (as we work together and he is my boss) - i will have to change job to ensure we have some space.

My question is...what to do now.  I have handed him Tim letter and ive gotten a really half hearted reaction to it.


How long have you been friends just out of curiosity? You said you've cut ties with her, has she not asked you why or what did you tell her why? I'm no expert, but you are going to go through a period of grieving the loss of the friendship also. I think everyone is different, but after I got past the anger, I went thru a period of feeling very, very betrayed, and there's been other emotions along the way. Today. I'm hurt, but I've made a choice to forgive her. That's not too say that I would ever allow her back in my life again, but I've given it to God, and chosen to try to move on. One thing I will tell you is this: people are going to try to convince you that because there was no sex, there was no affair, that you should be glad he didn't sleep with her, that you are blowing if out of proportion, etc. Don't listen!!!! My husband was only texting and a five minute phone call every now and then, but he took emotions and feelings and thoughts and words that were supposed to be MINE and gave them to her. That's what makes it an affair. And there have been many, many times I have honestly thought if they would have had a physical affair, it wouldn't have hurt as much. But I could be wrong about that.

Keep your head on straight. Take one day at a time. I would encourage you to try to make your husband understand how big this is too you and not communicating is not an option for you. There is so much good advice on this site, it's a good time to overload on information. Hope I've helped some.
Hope4Healing
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Sparkle
EAM- I just wanted to say I hope things continue to improve in your marriage.
I was involved in an emotional affair and I still love him very much but decided to end it.
It was a great friendship that very very slowly turned into an affair. The posts on here which talk of the pain for all involved are correct. I had no idea of the pain some BS go through especially when there was do sexual contact.
My own husband has Aspergers and has huge problems with emotional connection but I still was in the wrong.
So good that you are noticing your spouses positive qualities.
Every blessing for the future
.
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