To all the other bs out there I have a question for you...Did you doubt if you were in love with your spouse during the recovery process? We are six months out of Dday and sometimes I wonder if I am 'in love' with him. I am unsure if it is from the affair and turing off all feelings in order to process/recover or if the affair is just the final straw? Anyone else have this?
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Brandi, I am 10 months out of the 1st Dday and 7 weeks out of the 2nd Dday. I think love is defined in many different ways meaning that to me it is not always a feeling but a choice. A choice to stay committed, a choice to forgive, a choice to trust if both parties are doing their part in the recovery process. There are days that I have anger and hatred towards my WS but I'm still choosing to love him. I'm definatley not in love with him right now.
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Brandi, No I am definitely not in love.  Sometimes I get a small hint of feelings returning, but then the next day I might be in a bad place again and they all go away.  We are two and a half years from the first DDay, but there have been multiple relapses and new discoveries every few months.  So every time I was starting to heal and a flicker of feelings were returning, they all went away again as each new DDay came.  I find it very hard to be in love with someone who can hurt you so badly, but I am trying.

I find it hard to imagine ever feeling head over heels in love again.  But I have heard stories that prove it is possible and so I live in hope and strive to do everything possible to help that happen.  I would like that feeling to come back, who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone they get along with, but don't feel in love with?  But you can't force these things and I think there is a lot of hard work to do before that will come.  I think 6 months is no time at all and what you are feeling is probably completely natural.

I think probably, if we are honest, we are all very scared to be in love with them again, in case we get hurt again.  I also question my husband's feelings for me all the time.  I know he was madly in love with his AP, in a different way than he ever felt about me.  It makes me feel quite unlovable, and in turn I am scared to love him.  To love is to be completely vulnerable and it's a scary place to go.
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Brandi, that's a really good question and probably one we all wonder about from time to time.  As for me, I can only say right now that I care, and I think if he made any effort at all, maybe feelings would stir a little but like Fionarob says, there is an underlying nagging doubt that he even cares anyway, and that I have somehow been usurped in his heart by the AP.  And that's without the trust issue. But I would find it hard to try to love someone who has hurt and let me down so badly again, and then compounds things by showing such a disinterest in our marriage.  To my mind he neglects everything he should care about and if there were truly some love for ME there, why isn't there now an effort to put things right..
But I digress..your question was from the point of view of the BS, and I have to say that I think what we are feeling is completely normal.
And I think being 'in love' is the feeling that is there at the start of the relationship, which is then slowly replaced by the much stronger and steady 'love' for each other, which grows from being together and caring on a daily basis, if that makes, no, I'm definitely not now 'in love' but I loved my husband and thought he loved me.  Perhaps what we are all desperate to regain is that is simply that unfaltering and steadfast feeling which was the thing our marriage was based around.
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I just want to remind you that at six months after an emotional crisis like this, it is very normal to be questioning your feelings. It will be a rocky ride for quite some time until your emotions settle.

It will also be quite normal to experience deep love one day and anger bordering on rage the next. There will be confusion in between. Of course we all question ourselves and I think much of this comes from not quite trusting our own instincts anymore.

My point is only to go easy on yourself. Know that swings of emotions are perfectly normal. Your world has been rocked. Give yourself lots of time to process all of this. Remember, you are still in shock.

In time you will gain a better understanding of your own feelings, but don't let anyone force you to get to that place. Take your time and heal.

As woundedsoul says, love is not a feeling but a choice. You need not make any choices right now. It is still so new and raw for you. Love yourself.
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I agree, love yourself first and see what happens. I am 3 years out still figuring out if I love him. I don't, not love him but is that enough. Can I live in loveas I knew it before, or did this change what I know about love? I found a quote:

Ego says Once everything falls into place i will find peace; spirit says find peace and everything will fall into place.

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Wow - I love that! Exactly where I am right now. Transitioning from ego to spirit. I've never heard it articulated like that. Working from a place of ego kept me feeling protected initially, I think, but it's no longer serving any useful purpose. Peace, mindfulness, living intentionally, whatever you want to call it, is what I'm working on now. Thank you for posting this
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