Brandi
To become numb? I know that there is no way I am healed or over my husbands affair by any means. We are almost 4 months past dday. In that time I have done a TON of work. I have thought about where his head was and am able to empathize with his feelings that lead up to the affair. I have said and done horrible things and now....I'm just almost pretending nothing happened. He is doing bare minimum at best work. (he cheats on me and I apologize to him daily for something I said that may have upset him) We dont go back to our marriage counselor for another week and I will ask her at that point but wanted some insight from those that have been there?
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amylynnb
I'm only about six weeks in, but I do apologize for things that upset my husband.  I don't know why?  I'm just feeling very weak right now, but all the while I know that I will be better off divorced.  

There are two reasons that I'm staying, 1. My daughter is getting married in 6 months and she doesn't need this drama leading up to her wedding.  2. My son has some of the same anxiety and depression issues that my husband has so I'm praying that my husband can figure this out and save my son some of these problems.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time.  It's a pretty long story that I can't type out right now, but I can say that if this marriage works, it's going to have to be a very different marriage.  We are both seeing separate counselors right now, we are going to a retrovaille weekend in January and then the follow up 6 sessions, my husband has a psychiatrist appt in Feb, then we hope to see a marriage counselor starting the beginning of march.  After the wedding (mid summer), we will make a decision about if this is going to work.  I pray that we can come out of this with a better marriage, but if that doesn't work out, I am very confident that I will be ok.
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Courage
amylynnb wrote:
I'm only about six weeks in, but I do apologize for things that upset my husband.  I don't know why?  I'm just feeling very weak right now, but all the while I know that I will be better off divorced.  

There are two reasons that I'm staying, 1. My daughter is getting married in 6 months and she doesn't need this drama leading up to her wedding.  2. My son has some of the same anxiety and depression issues that my husband has so I'm praying that my husband can figure this out and save my son some of these problems.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time.  It's a pretty long story that I can't type out right now, but I can say that if this marriage works, it's going to have to be a very different marriage.  We are both seeing separate counselors right now, we are going to a retrovaille weekend in January and then the follow up 6 sessions, my husband has a psychiatrist appt in Feb, then we hope to see a marriage counselor starting the beginning of march.  After the wedding (mid summer), we will make a decision about if this is going to work.  I pray that we can come out of this with a better marriage, but if that doesn't work out, I am very confident that I will be ok.


Amylynnb,
My husband and I went to Retrouvaille 14 months ago. I had signed us up bc our marriage was in a brutal place. He was so unhappy and I couldn't understand what was going on. Retrouvaille was my last hope to save our marriage. 5 days before we were set to go, I discovered he was having an affair. I'm not going to say these past 14 months have been easy, but I can say with 100% certainty that Retrouvaille has got us further than we ever would have been without it. We attended the weekend and the 6 post sessions. We have also been attending Core ( a continued support group for Retrouvaille participants) twice a month since the post sessions ended - we've been going since last January and this has been instrumental in bringing us closer together. although we have had many setbacks, I honestly don't know if we would still be together without it. I'm glad you're going. Hopefully it will be something both you and your husband can benefit from. Keep me posted...and whatever happens btw now and the date you are going, still go!! It may be the lifeline you need to initiate the changes in the marriage in which you indicate is so desperately needed. You will learn so much and gain invaluable tools to communicate in effective and loving ways.
Take Care,
Courage
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Graceandhope
I've started this a few times and deleted it not really knowing what I wanted to say. I think it's "normal". The emotions can be so overwhelming that you need a break. I ran through so many emotions, many times in the same afternoon
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Kalmarjan
amylynnb wrote:
I'm only about six weeks in, but I do apologize for things that upset my husband.  I don't know why?  I'm just feeling very weak right now, but all the while I know that I will be better off divorced.  

There are two reasons that I'm staying, 1. My daughter is getting married in 6 months and she doesn't need this drama leading up to her wedding.  2. My son has some of the same anxiety and depression issues that my husband has so I'm praying that my husband can figure this out and save my son some of these problems.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time.  It's a pretty long story that I can't type out right now, but I can say that if this marriage works, it's going to have to be a very different marriage.  We are both seeing separate counselors right now, we are going to a retrovaille weekend in January and then the follow up 6 sessions, my husband has a psychiatrist appt in Feb, then we hope to see a marriage counselor starting the beginning of march.  After the wedding (mid summer), we will make a decision about if this is going to work.  I pray that we can come out of this with a better marriage, but if that doesn't work out, I am very confident that I will be ok.


Don't apologize. Unless you mean it for something other than the whole affair. On the matters of the affair, HE Chose IT, not you. He didn't even consult you. So, he didn't Honor his pact and partnership with you. So, you have NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

Second, I know you worry about your son. I do for my child too... But I know that my actions and help I get won't affect their ability to help themself. In the end, my job is to teach my kid that they are responsible for their actions. Nothing aggravates me more than someone who always blames someone else for messing up.

It's the sun's fault I didn't catch the ball. It's these keys, they're sticking so I didn't hit the right notes, you make me so mad I can't control myself, whatever...

So, your son will be fine regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

I do understand why you want to stay, I'm just saying you shouldn't feel obligated to. You didn't choose any of this. He did. He did this, not you.
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amylynnb
I think I just apologize when more stress is added to an already stressful situation.  He tells me not to apologize, but I think that my motivation is that I want to talk about our issues without the other stresses in life.

I'm just about to the end of my rope.  I need to hang for another month, but every day it seems to get harder.....  

I did tell him yesterday that I'll be ok if we get divorced.  I don't want him to stay unless he can be here for me.  I just wish the answer would be clear SOON, so I could get on with my life.
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