Skelling
This is a hard one. When my husband and I argue and it gets heated, he asked me a few times. "Do you hate me?" My first instict wants to shout out. yes I hate you and I think he can see that in my eyes. I think though that I don't hate him but what he has done, the version of him that he was and what this is doing to us and to me. I have a very hard time to come to terms with the fact that there was a side to him that was that reckless, that careless, selfish and entitled. And I ask myself how could I not see this side or did I choose to ignore it and if I did, how was I able to love him with that side? On the positive, he recognizes that side in him and feels ashamed and guilty about it but does that mean, he will be able to change that only because he is aware of it now? What does it say about him that only now he realizes his mistakes, that up till dday, he was perfectly fine with who he was, that he had no boundaries whatsoever and made it about me. What does that say about our marriage? I understand that he wants to change... but how do you get over that he was like that in the first place? How can I accept that and how can I be safe in the future from the same thinking and behavior? So back to the hate thing. I hate that I even wrestle with questions like that. I hate the sad, insecure version of myself, that struggles to stay hopeful, struggles not to give in thoughts of revenge towards the OW, struggles to be a good mom. How do I tackle this? Any words of encouragement?
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Dirazz
My husband used to ask the same question. At the time I felt like I did hate him. But I also didn’t know what to feel? So many emotions. I finally told him I don’t hate you, but I really don’t like you! With time and the right actions by your H the feelings of dislike start to diminish. 
Hate the sin not the sinner. My husband was so full of guilt and shame he was as hard on himself as I was. We as humans are flawed and I finally had to open my eyes to that. 
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Sadie
Skelling, you wrote what I have been struggling with as well.  I think about this a lot.   So far, the best that I have come up with, is that even before I knew of the affair, I did not much like who he had become, how we had grown apart and how he had treated me.   But, I felt that I knew his core and since no marriage is perfect, that we would find our way back to each other.    After dday, I can’t say as I ever hated him, but I sure did hate who he had become—if that makes sense.    I hated that his choices destroyed me and all I believed in.   I will never look at him the same, nor will I look at our marriage in the same light.    
     This month is our 1yr dday 2nd painversary.    I still feel so incredibly disappointed in him.   So shocked that he became that kind of guy.    There are times that it still just rage without a filter for a few days.    What gets me through, is holding on tight—-VERY tight—to the reasons I chose to stay and the hope for a better future.   
      Hugs!
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Skelling
Thank you both. Sadie I think this is exactly how I feel. Disappointment, loss of respect and loss of what I believed in and who he was. There is another factor that plays into this too. As mentioned before the affair itself was short but he lied about it for 15 month. And invented stories and versions of it ones it all came out and I think he has a hard time to distinguish between what actually happened and his made up versions. he has a bad memory to start off with and I struggle that he can't remember a lot. He tried to answer as best as he could but can't tell me certain things, which would determine how invested he was in the whole thing. Which leaves me with the version that I have got or another version which would show a much higher involvement/investment (time, emotions...more acting than reacting) and I am at crossroads to figure out for myself, if I could live with/accept the possible second version. I know it seems convoluted to even worry about what only is a possibility but since he can't rule out that possibility, my mind keeps coming back to it. But I just don't know, if I could live with that version of him. What were your reasons for staying for you? 
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Vanessa
I wouldn't say hate exactly - I think it is more pure disappointment that he was not the man I believed he was.  That the marriage that I thought was a beautiful and joyous union spanning 2 decades meant so little to him that he decided to look for "passionate fun" outside of it.   I feel disgust that I believed with all my heart that HE was so loyal, so honorable, had SO much integrity that he could never cheat - how wrong I was!
In truth he was a coward who did not ever say he was unhappy.  He left me "I love you" notes as he left to go meet up with his AP.  The level of deceit is just so mind- boggling!
I found that I could not recover from it.  I know some people can move past it and some can't.  If you decide to stay I hope you can find peace and one day joy again.
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Skelling
Vanessa I think thats it. That I feel I let myself down by not being able to see the other side to him. I think what it comes down to is an incredible fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of it happening again and me missing the signs again, fear of this incredible pain and fear that down the road  will come to discover that he was more invested than he told me, that he was the driving force and not as he made me believe "Once in there couldn't say no". Its so freaking hard to keep sane.
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Keepabuzz
I certainly hated my wife after her confession, but I also still loved her. That infuriated me even more. How could I still love her after what she did to me?  As time went on, maybe a year out, my hate moved to “hating what she did” and “hating what she allowed her self to do”.  I still hate all of that with every ounce of my soul, but I don’t hate her. 

I too will never look at her, or our marriage the same ever again. I won’t see the world in the same way again. Those are just some of the consequences of the WS’s actions.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sadie
Skelling, mine too, lied for a year.    I had moved out for 6 months.  After I moved back and eventually got the rest of the story, I accused him of getting me back home under false pretenses.    To this day, I still don’t know if I would have moved back, had I known it all.    
Why do I stay now?    I hate being alone.    I have over 30 yrs invested with him.   I have the same guarantee that a new man would cheat as I do with my wh cheating again, which is a zero guarantee.     He deserves not to be trusted.   A new guy wouldn’t deserve that...innocent until proven guilty and all that.....my wh is doing about 75% of the work I feel he needs to do.    
   Emotionally, my husband isn’t as strong as I am.   This might have brought me to my knees, but I will always fight my way back and find a way to stand tall.   Him?   Not so much.   He had a suicide plan.   I never did.   I knew I could get past this, one way or another.    I also feel that this is why he lied so much.   HE couldn’t handle seeing the affair in the bright light of day.     No, this does not excuse in any way what he did and no, I have not yet forgiven him.    I just have a better understanding of what pace this recovery needs to go at, since he can only so much at a time.
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Keepabuzz
I certainly had a “plan”. I can’t speak for my wife. I got right to that edge on more than on occasion.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Disappointed beyond belief, absolutely disgusted at and repulsed by my WS is how I felt at the start of it all. Did I hate him? In some moments, YES. When all the rage and pain were pouring out, there were definitely times when I would stare at him with NOTHING but hatred. Which he deserved 100%. He did a disgusting hateful thing. 

Now? I don’t hate my WS. In fact, I think I’ve just about forgiven him. He seems to be changing. He seems to be starting to ‘get it’. He is trying to be ‘safe’ for me. But it took me a LONG time to get here. 

I primarily felt like I hated my WS during times of intense pain, when I was raging and triggered beyond belief. I can honestly say there were times when I wanted to rip him apart and would’ve been satisfied watching him suffer while I did it. The pain and torment that he subjected me to turned me into someone I didn’t recognise. 

Having said that, I think perhaps that was all a reflection of my pain. Just like how pain manifests as rage, I think it also easily manifests as hate, given how carelessly and badly our WS treated us. We are driven mad by pain and grief- hating the source of it isn’t an unreasonable step to take, when we are breaking under the strain of having everything we know torn apart.

Sadie, my WS is like yours. Emotionally weak and unable to cope with facing the truth! It took him a LONG time to face it... even now, I don’t trust that I know everything, because I know he has a tendency to try to hide to protect himself or run away from things that are difficult to face. My WS too, faces suicidal thoughts. It’s a form of escapism and inability to cope. Me on the other hand? The complete opposite. He isn’t worth me hurting myself over. Nothing is worth that. I’ll be damned if I let him take THAT from me too! I would rather claw my way back to being ‘ok’ without him to prove a point than to let what he has done take me down!
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Vanessa
My WS asked once "Are you going to hurt yourself?"
My thought - unexpressed - was YOU should be the one who feels the need to hurt himself!!

As gut-wrenchingly HORRIBLE as this has been I would 100 times rather be the person who suffers all this pain than to be the one who inflicted this pain on people who love me.  The fact that WS (now X) was ABLE to inflict such pain and suffering on me and the kids without it bringing him to the brink of despair is one of the things that made me realize he was NOT the man I wanted as my life partner. 
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HangingOn
Vanessa so true.  I hate more the inability to be honest has eluded my WS.  I don’t hate them as a person because I really don’t know that dark side person they became...but I need to understand it to feel safe again.  The lies, the trickle truth, the I don’t remember person I now have, has a behavior I hate.
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Sadie
The lies and the trickle truth “era” was the worst!   I swear, that did more damage than the affair itself!    That era lasted about a year.    Definitely THE darkest year of my life.   
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anthro
Keepabuzz wrote:
I certainly hated my wife after her confession, but I also still loved her. That infuriated me even more. How could I still love her after what she did to me?  As time went on, maybe a year out, my hate moved to “hating what she did” and “hating what she allowed her self to do”.  I still hate all of that with every ounce of my soul, but I don’t hate her.  


I probably did have a fair amount of hate in me and I guess there were moments when I'd have said I hated my wife after d-day and during her affair (when she as treating me terribly bit I didn't know the context).

I did still love her but it involved a big change in how I loved her. I loved her like I imagine you'd love a child who became a heroin addict and stole from you over and over to feed their habit. The big problem I think is that it was the way you'd love a child. The only way I could find what she did forgivable was to see it in the same way as a child's misconduct, part of their development. An adult can't do what cheaters do and still be an okay person. A child to some extent can.

I always wanted equality above all else in my relationship and that seems like it will never come back and never really existed. She was always someone with this lack of integrity, and I think she'll always be someone with limited insight and self-awareness. And I will always be "being the bigger person". So there will always be a degree of parent-child to our relationship, if I do stay, which I never ever wanted. Hate might be easier, it is more equal...

Fundamentally, everyone in their 30s has had enough exleriem6amd challenges etc to know not to cheat, to be honest, to have integrity, to value what is right above some base impulse, to see self-delusion for what it is. So a person who hasn't learned those lessons has got to be a person  who lacks insight, integrity, empathy, or some other thing that is core to being an okay adult human. They suck at something really important. So they are never really going to be great, always going to be limited. If they had it in them to do better, then they would have done better, wouldn't they? 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Keepabuzz
anthro wrote:


I probably did have a fair amount of hate in me and I guess there were moments when I'd have said I hated my wife after d-day and during her affair (when she as treating me terribly bit I didn't know the context).

I did still love her but it involved a big change in how I loved her. I loved her like I imagine you'd love a child who became a heroin addict and stole from you over and over to feed their habit. The big problem I think is that it was the way you'd love a child. The only way I could find what she did forgivable was to see it in the same way as a child's misconduct, part of their development. An adult can't do what cheaters do and still be an okay person. A child to some extent can.

I always wanted equality above all else in my relationship and that seems like it will never come back and never really existed. She was always someone with this lack of integrity, and I think she'll always be someone with limited insight and self-awareness. And I will always be "being the bigger person". So there will always be a degree of parent-child to our relationship, if I do stay, which I never ever wanted. Hate might be easier, it is more equal...

Fundamentally, everyone in their 30s has had enough exleriem6amd challenges etc to know not to cheat, to be honest, to have integrity, to value what is right above some base impulse, to see self-delusion for what it is. So a person who hasn't learned those lessons has got to be a person  who lacks insight, integrity, empathy, or some other thing that is core to being an okay adult human. They suck at something really important. So they are never really going to be great, always going to be limited. If they had it in them to do better, then they would have done better, wouldn't they? 


i agree with every bit of this ^^^^
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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