Unloveable1
Question for anyone with insight: How often should we discuss the affairs?

I am the WS. I have treated my BS poorly throughout our marriage. I have been horrible, demeaning, and I have withheld affection while pursuing other interests - sex, attention, work etc. Bottom line, I have been a poor excuse for a man and husband.

We are now 13 months out from D-Day, with trickle truth since then. I am in therapy for SA and have been sober for 1.5+ years on all fronts,,although just getting a sense of health and hope in the last few.

We talk about my affairs nearly every day. We read about it at night, scan websites and blogs during the day. It is 24/7, and feels relentless.

I sense that other BS's would have the sentiment that the trauma is also relentless, so why should the WS not bear the brunt? And logically that makes sense to me. Justice.

But my concern is that we are not building new pathways, and new experiences, which would create the foundation for a new marriage. Our only commonality at this point seems to be our kids, and affair discussions.

I know it is exhausting for her. And it is beginning to be so for me. What do I do? Please Help. Thanks.
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Negarcia
I am a BS and I would be exhausted discussing it every single day. I know your spouse might get upset but have you maybe asked how you 2 can move past the affair discussions and try to start rebuilding your relationship or even asking what else they need to know to be able to move forward?
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Keepabuzz
Unlovable,
First I think it is really positive that you are owning what you have done. You said that you all are 13 months past d-day, and trickle truth since then? If this is the case, she isn't going to start healing until you come completely clean, and end the trickle truth. Trickle truth just prolongs the suffering for your BS.

I'm a betrayed husband, 18 months past d-day. Her affair and the pain it has caused and still causes me is certainly on my mind everyday, and I don't see it not being for a long time. The trauma for the BS is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, but I don't think talking about it is to punish you per say. She is your wife, so you would need to judge if she is talking about it in such a way as to "rub your nose in it", or if she is talking about it to help her heal, help her try to make sense of things as much as she can. Although I would bet that she is like me and will never truly understand how you could have done this to her. I could talk about 24/7 in the early days, but now it's maybe every other week. We don't talk anymore about what she did much, more on how it effected and still effects me. We talk about my triggers. And why they trigger me. It's about her understanding my pain, not about me hurting her.

I hope that I misunderstood our post about trickle truth, and you came clean many many months ago. If so, I would think that the affair talk should be getting less. Have you planned dates? Trip? New experiences for you all together? Those help to start "new" memories.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Unloveable1
Thanks for your insights KAB. I appreciate your perspective - I wish I had the foresight to consider the BS of my AP's when i was acting out.

The last of the affair disclosures was about 7 months ago. Unfortunately I've also hidden truths about finances and career issues as well. Now that we have a greater level of scrutiny across the board, I sense my wife is always on high alert for "what will I find out next?"

I think some of the questions are her attempt to paint the full picture. And yes, maybe there are also subconscious efforts to share the pain or get to justice. Sadly, as you know, there is no "justice" in these cases; only the possibility for redemption.

I am hoping that building new experiences can create a new foundation. It seems like every experience - new or otherwise - still holds the potential of a trigger. Hopefully that will diminish over time.

I am glad that you are healing, and definitely appreciate your input.
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Ginger
I'm almost 100% certain that not a day goes by that your bs doesn't think about your affair and the impact it's had on her life. If she needs to talk about it, let her talk. And listen. You put these thoughts, questions, doubts, anxiety in her mind. If you are truly willing to start a new, better marriage--it's part of it, unfortunately. It shouldn't be the only thing you talk about and you should be actively creating new memories and goals that will hopefully give you something else to talk about more.
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Keepabuzz
7 months really is not very long on this very long road, although I know it feels like forever for your wife, and likely for you as well. I would really start counting the healing process from the day you came completely clean, but you need to understand that all those months of trickle truth made both her road and yours much longer. I didn't even begin to see a flicker of a light at the end of the tunnel until 6 months, and didn't really start to feel better for a year. This was with me having no idea of my wife's 6 month affair before d-day, AND her ending it and choosing our marriage a month before SHE confessed. So I think my road has been substantially easier than your wife's.

She likely will be in a "Hyper-Vigilance" mode for sometime, due to all the lies, and likely longer due to the trickle truth. I was in that mode for every bit of a year, and like I said my road was easier than your wife's.

I'm sure the repeated questions are frustrating. "I've already answered this question so many times", right? But I assure you that your wife is processing her pain. This is normal for BS's. I asked lots of questions over and over again. Sometimes I still do if I'm having a triggered day. Just answer honestly and with compassion. That will lesson in time.

You are correct to some extent about there being no justice. True justice is impossible, but there is vengeance, but that too comes at a price.

There will be lots of triggers, just help her through them, reassure her. They do get better with time. I actually threw away anything I could as far as possessions that triggered me. Threw them all in the trash. Maybe your wife could that?

Be patient, be humble, reassure her of your love and commitment to her very often. I wish you luck. There are lots of very smart and caring people that will be able to give better advise than me.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Kelaine53
Keepabuzz wrote:
Unlovable, First I think it is really positive that you are owning what you have done. You said that you all are 13 months past d-day, and trickle truth since then? If this is the case, she isn't going to start healing until you come completely clean, and end the trickle truth. Trickle truth just prolongs the suffering for your BS. I'm a betrayed husband, 18 months past d-day. Her affair and the pain it has caused and still causes me is certainly on my mind everyday, and I don't see it not being for a long time. The trauma for the BS is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, but I don't think talking about it is to punish you per say. She is your wife, so you would need to judge if she is talking about it in such a way as to "rub your nose in it", or if she is talking about it to help her heal, help her try to make sense of things as much as she can. Although I would bet that she is like me and will never truly understand how you could have done this to her. I could talk about 24/7 in the early days, but now it's maybe every other week. We don't talk anymore about what she did much, more on how it effected and still effects me. We talk about my triggers. And why they trigger me. It's about her understanding my pain, not about me hurting her. I hope that I misunderstood our post about trickle truth, and you came clean many many months ago. If so, I would think that the affair talk should be getting less. Have you planned dates? Trip? New experiences for you all together? Those help to start "new" memories.



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Kelaine53
Unloveable1 wrote:
Thanks for your insights KAB. I appreciate your perspective - I wish I had the foresight to consider the BS of my AP's when i was acting out. The last of the affair disclosures was about 7 months ago. Unfortunately I've also hidden truths about finances and career issues as well. Now that we have a greater level of scrutiny across the board, I sense my wife is always on high alert for "what will I find out next?" I think some of the questions are her attempt to paint the full picture. And yes, maybe there are also subconscious efforts to share the pain or get to justice. Sadly, as you know, there is no "justice" in these cases; only the possibility for redemption. I am hoping that building new experiences can create a new foundation. It seems like every experience - new or otherwise - still holds the potential of a trigger. Hopefully that will diminish over time. I am glad that you are healing, and definitely appreciate your input.


If you truly love your wife and want to build a new marriage with her that is honest, honorable and safe I suggest that you sit down and write "everything" out. All of the secrets, lies and betrayals. Include a complete timeline of everything. Search your memory to include it all including any feelings that you thought you may have had at the time for your AP. Initially do not include "play by play" of the intimate details but make it clear that you are willing to give your wife these if you asks. Don't leave anything out. Ask for her forgiveness and then tell her that you know this may never happen. If you tell her you are sorry, tell her specifically what you are sorry for. And then tell her over and over. Don't tell you are ashamed - that is for you. Tell you had much remorse you feel every day for betraying your vows. Tell her everyday how much you hurt when you see the hurt in her eyes. Don't leave anything out. Do not protect yourself. Protect her by being 110% honest with everything. Let her know where the bottom of her hell is. Not anger from you. Take all of her anger and be there. Keep taking it, just like she did. Take down the wall between you and erect it around you both to protect her from the things you did to her and your marriage. Believe me from a BS this is the only hope.
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MrsJMW
I have spoken of my circumstances before. Be so very grateful that you are all able to have this time of healing and I know how hard it is to be the BS and to learn about more truths as you go. Unfortunately 9 months after the affair I was still getting trickle truth and then my WS suffered a major stroke in which he suffered brain damage which has left him with no real loving emotion towards me. Once shortly after he came home he got upset with me and after never admitting to being all the way sexual with her he blirted out that he had sex with her more times than he could count. I was devestated even though I suspected it I guess before he just could not bring himself to say it. It has been so hard to be his caregiver and wife at the same time. I feel so cheated not only from his affair but the man I lost. You all need to hold your BS and tell them everything so you can heal and like many of you suggested make new memories. I was so looking forward to that. We had done a lot of healing however he was still in contact with her 2 months after DDay. So its just hard you never know when that person will be taken away. I loved him so much.I still do its just different he is a different man. Not bad just not the man I fell in love with despite his shortcomings. I dont mean to be the Debbie Downer but I dont get much encouragement I know others dont know what to say.....I dont even know what someone could say.
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