HangingOn
Anyone have any input how intimacy can be restored and how to keep the affair images out of your bed?  
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Keepabuzz
HangingOn wrote:
Anyone have any input how intimacy can be restored and how to keep the affair images out of your bed?  


I really wish I had the answer to this.  I’m almost 4 years out from d-day and I still get those images every single time.  I will say that they don’t have the power they used to have. In the first 2 years, many times I would have to stop mid stream, because I was overwhelmed by them and couldn’t continue. That hasn’t happened in i long time, but there are still times when I can’t “finish” because of those images.  I hate to think that this is how it will be forever, but it certainly feels like it is. Honestly, most of the time I could just do without sex. It just feels ruined for me, at least it feels ruined for me with her...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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seventy7
As my therapist has told me, there is a simple equation to restoring intimacy post affair:

Restored Trust = Enhanced Intimacy

I never really bought into it at first because, for me, it was very easy to become intimate with my wife in the immediate months after D-Day (i/e - hysterical bonding). I find my wife extremely attractive and I wanted to show her that i could be every bit as good as lover as her AP...and more. I was marking my territory regularly, if you know what I mean. But after a couple of months, it began to feel like a chore. That is when it started to click with what my therapist said. Yes, I lusted my wife, but I sure as hell didn't trust her. The thoughts/images started creeping into my head more often and the "fire in the bedroom" quickly went out.

I would say beginning 6 months post DDay, I began to notice my wife's effort to truly restore trust in our relationship. The gaslighting and trickle truth stopped, and she never wavered in her re-committal to me/us. Once I began to accept what she was saying was truth, I slowly began restoring trust in her. That is when the true intimacy began to shine through. We are now more intimate than ever, and not only in the bedroom. Our conversations are more engaging, we are more affectionate in public (holding hands/quick kisses/etc), just to let the other know that we are thinking about them. 

Granted, we still have our hiccups, hell we had one last night because I just could not get an image out of my head. I have accepted that triggers are going to happen, and try not to let it ruin my entire day. Triggers are to be expected (we are 20 months post DDay), but definitely not happening as often as they once were. 
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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hurting
I was having intrusive thoughts during the last time we were intimate. It sucks. I managed to literally tell the thoughts to f*ck off, but they kept coming back. I guess it takes time... it isn’t happening every time now which is a big step forward. I told him after.

FWIW I find eye contact throughout helps. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
seventy7 wrote:
As my therapist has told me, there is a simple equation to restoring intimacy post affair:

Restored Trust = Enhanced Intimacy

I never really bought into it at first because, for me, it was very easy to become intimate with my wife in the immediate months after D-Day (i/e - hysterical bonding). I find my wife extremely attractive and I wanted to show her that i could be every bit as good as lover as her AP...and more. I was marking my territory regularly, if you know what I mean. But after a couple of months, it began to feel like a chore. That is when it started to click with what my therapist said. Yes, I lusted my wife, but I sure as hell didn't trust her. The thoughts/images started creeping into my head more often and the "fire in the bedroom" quickly went out.

I would say beginning 6 months post DDay, I began to notice my wife's effort to truly restore trust in our relationship. The gaslighting and trickle truth stopped, and she never wavered in her re-committal to me/us. Once I began to accept what she was saying was truth, I slowly began restoring trust in her. That is when the true intimacy began to shine through. We are now more intimate than ever, and not only in the bedroom. Our conversations are more engaging, we are more affectionate in public (holding hands/quick kisses/etc), just to let the other know that we are thinking about them. 


I had almost the exact same experience.  My ability to feel real intimacy in and out of the bedroom seemed to go hand in hand with increased trust and feeling deeply valued in our relationship.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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petrophilous

HangingOn: “Anyone have any input how intimacy can be restored and how to keep the affair images out of your bed?  

I can't give you a great formula for this but I'll share my experience to maybe offer some hope.

We’re ten years from D-day this Thanksgiving Day, and I still have occasional thoughts that intrude during our lovemaking. It’s one of the terrible results of infidelity that sex, the most intimate and emotionally bonding of experiences for a couple, gets tainted and becomes an actual trigger for pain.

Our initial efforts at sex after we entered reconciliation were pretty much a disaster. The stress and trauma had left me impotent (which had never been a problem previously), and that had my wife blaming herself and in tears. This lasted probably six months, but eventually, with a lot of mutual effort (trying to avoid TMI here), we managed to at least get started. Funny thing was, because of all the effort leading up to it I literally lasted all of about 5 seconds. I made some silly comment about wearing her out with my incredible stamina or something like that and we both started giggling. We ended up full out laughing our heads off, naked in each other’s arms. I remember that moment, looking down into her smiling face, as the moment when I knew we were going to make it.

Like I said, it’s been ten years, and it’s so much better, but sometimes, yeah, it still hurts. If you think there’s hope, hang in there. Time, especially time together creating a new history, heals like nothing else.

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