Inconsolable_Grief_Unsafe

My husband said he would do anything if I would just not divorce him. He cried like a baby and said he would be a broken man and he is scared to die alone.. SO now is the test, if he will get through recovery books then maybe I can decide to stay with him or not. But lately, he just wants to pretend normal, ignore, escape, distract himself with anything and everything so he will not have to deal with his issues on how and why he crossed the line. He is the son of an abusive alcoholic father who also was undiagnosed with PTSD from killing 3 germans in WWII. My dad is the son of 2 alcoholic parents so my choice of husband was dysfunctional because family familiarity. I am an over functioning spouse like my mom and my dad had an affair on my mom and they did not divorce but they drove each other miserable for years and my mom finally paid him back about 10 years before they both died.

The really hard part is that the girl he cheated with is an abused 18 year old that we took in to help her. She is our daughter in laws younger sister. So it was a double betrayal because I loved her like a daughter and I dont think her family knows. I would like to tell them but her dad would probably go on the nut and kill my husband because he has mental issues and he is abusive. Her dad told her that she was worthless and would never be able to hold a job, drive a car, get married or have kids of her own.

We took her in and I taught her how to drive, and helped her get her license and a job. I also taught her how to cook, sew, shop economically and play the guitar. She composed 2 songs when she lived here. And she performed the songs at my uncles church. My husband taught her that sex can get her the attention she craves. She threw herself at him (behind my back) and gave him a scripture that she can be his concubine. The affair both sexual and emotional affair lasted 3 years Then the last year she was lived with us she started another secret affair with a man 24 years older than her (my husband is 40 years older than her) and she was having sex with my husband while carrying on an emotional affair with this other man and I think she did have a physical affair with him too but not certain. She has daddy issues and would not date people her own age when she lived here.

I never dreamed they were having sex because my husband cannot stay hard for more than 30 seconds with me but with an 18 year old on top apparently there is a higher state of arousal and he told me it was like live porn for him. I knew they were having an emotional affair but my husband is controlling and emotionally abusive so he does exactly what he wants despite my objections.

His affair partner was abused emotionally by her dad so she had the emotional maturity level of a 12 year old when she lived with us, so I have to live with the realization that my husband is in a sense is a pedofile at least emotionally speaking  and I told him so. I have ptsd and I dont know if I will be able to get thru this. He confessed his affair in Jan of 2018 a few weeks after she moved out to relieve his guilt he said ( everything is always about him). Eleven months later on Dec 22,  2018 he stabbed me with another affair detail because he was angry at me because I would not admit that I abandoned him 15 years ago when I went to a hotel to stay overnight after him and I had a bad fight ( he ran at me with his fists which he now denies) He wants me to agree that I abandoned him first so he can rationalize his affair

SO on Dec 22, 2018 he was angry with me for not admitting fault of abandonment so he told me that he had sex with her just 20 feet away on the floor in the next room the day I had my gall bladder removed (new detail previously he said I cant remember where you were when I had sex with her on the living room floor so he lied during disclosure on Jan 7th 2018) and I was on the bed heavily medicated and ill and sleeping under sedation cuz the anesthesia had not worn off and that was the 8th d-day because he keeps trickle truthing me from Jan 2018-Dec2018 and he blamed me for his affair for several months saying that my complaining is why he had the affair and it was revenge because I complained too much. Well I was doing 90-100% of everything while his butt always sat on the computer watching movies and youtube videos and he reads books and goes bike riding while I slave away so yes I complained to no avail.  None of my needs were ever met in the marriage, he always got sex when he wanted it even if I was not feeling well and he always got his rocks off and never brought me to orgasm or even asked me if I had one. Everything has always been about him and his needs..

He blamed me for not spending time with him while I was helping our son in nursing school. Our son had to do online classes with labs dissecting a pig and yes I spent a lot of time as his study buddy for 2 years. But when I got done with helping our son then I had to do dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, pay bills, etc the only thing he ever did was yard work & snow removal and he would have a trantrum if we did not help and we have a rider mower and a very good snow blower. So he said that he had the affair because he had to do recreation all alone and I left him all alone. I did not have time to spend with him because I did 90% of all the chores while he had fun and sat on his lazy arse most of the time. And his affair was fun!.And he said that he deserved it. Entitlement.

Now, I want some fun too and I think the best thing is that if he keeps dragging his feet to do the hard work reading the books then good because my life will be so much better without him. God told me that He is my husband now and that was 4 months before his affair partner moved out dumped him and God released me from the marriage. My husband threatened me in 2017 that our son and his wife will be homeless if I leave him. He also told me that I will not get his pension and I believed him for 2 years until I asked a lawyer. Once my husband found out that I can take half his pension, & his affair partner dumped him, and after he came out of his affair fog NOW he says that I am a wonderful wife and I did not deserve any of it. SO which is it?  Am I so wonderful? he does dishes (half ass he never finishes them he always leaves some not loaded & he wont bleach the sink or wipe counter he leaves a big mess) and he sometimes folds laundry and I think he expects me to kiss the ground he walks on because he helped with a chore [puke].

Sunday I mentioned an affair article and was talking about it to him so he runs in his room claiming he needs to go to sleep (its like 3 pm) he escapes away so he does not have to talk about the affair. He avoids and if he wont talk to me then  I will have to divorce him. He displays all the same bad character traits that got him an affair except that he tries now really hard to control his anger and he lamely helps out with dishes or laundry without me asking him to. I feel like his mother not his wife. I dont want a child for a husband but he says he likes it (sic).. that I make him feel safe.

I met him in church and he was addicted to church for 25 years and then he got back on alcohol which helped break up his first marriage btw. He is reading the AA books I bought but he still has the urge to drink. He is currently not drinking but his drinking comes and goes in cycles maybe its binge drinking?  I never got my needs met in the marriage so I really think I should have been the one to have an affair but I have higher moral standards and I fear God. Actually, I prayed for 3 years for God to take me in my sleep because of his emotional affair with her and he shook my faith in God because it felt like God abandoned me. I still am going through grief and trauma about God abandoning me and at one point I wondered if God really does exist. SAD SAD SADNESS is my new companion. IDK if I can take anymore pain!!! he seems to spew it out at me so easily! He has anger issues from childhood. And he blames me and thinks he is the victim but actually he is the victimizer. He has emotionally abused me for 34 years and I am still here. I must have a screw loose.

He even blamed me for his bad relationship with our son he said it was my fault for intervening. Our son was in nursing college and he would have deadlines and my husband wanted him to go do grocery shopping (while my husband is retired with nothing to do but watch movies and read books and bike ride) so yes I put my foot down and said NO he does not have time for the chores he always tried to make him do. Our daughter flunked a nursing class she got a 79% but that is failing in the nursing program because he did the same thing to her giving her lots of extra chores that she did not really have time to do and I was working and not home to defend her, so she failed and had to wait a whole year to retake the class and get back the program. Today she is a nurse and he told her she would never make it and he laughed when she flunked and said ha ha I am right. She was ready to give up and I told her the best revenge is to prove him wrong and she rose up in courage and did it to rub it in his face and show him how very very wrong he was!

I cant tell my family because they would pressure me to divorce him and I am still not sure what I will do. I dont have anyone to talk to. Today I got him to read an article and it said that the betrayed can become codependent due to the trauma inflicted so then then will try to control the unfaithful's recovery. My husband thinks recovery is reading one article every month (about 30-45 minutes per month). I told him and I had to get nasty that he can call a lawyer or call my counselor and make an appointment (he does not want to do counseling) and my idea of affair recovery work is at least 5 hours a week. Also, the author in question stated that the unfaithful was doing recovery work and my husband is not doing any recovery work. The author of the article has an affair recovery programs that requires a commitment of 15 hours per week and he also stated that if the unfaithful is not doing any recovery work then you  need to set boundaries and leave the relationship. After I went on the nut when he accused me of trying to control his recovery I told him what recovery? then he accused me of being crazy and irrational because I am so angry at him he is still manipulative, avoiding, controlling etc. He is still an emotional bully but I won this time only because I threatened to divorce him due to lack of recovery work. He takes no initiative but finally he has agreed to do 5 hours a week of coursework reading and workbooks but I still fear that we wont make it because of all the damage inflicted. I feel like it is a toxic relationship and he will never change. Sadness is my new companion. oh I said that already ! I must be crazy for letting him have a second chance. Please someone talk some sense into me!

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Keepabuzz
I can’t see a single reason to stay in your marriage. He was/is abusive. He betrayed you in every way possible. You will get half of his pension, so you won’t be destitute. Your children are grown. He is doing nothing to heal himself or help you in your recovery from the wounds he inflicted upon. He takes no ownership or responsibility for his actions, and instead blames them all on you. I would say divorce, quickly. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
yes, please get the hell out of there. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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awaggoner1999
I agree with anthro and keep.
i divorced my WS, who had Many of the same issues. He was damaged before i met him.
i say get away so you can to recover from the damage that has been wrought.
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Vanessa
Keepabuzz wrote:
I can’t see a single reason to stay in your marriage. He was/is abusive. He betrayed you in every way possible. You will get half of his pension, so you won’t be destitute. Your children are grown. He is doing nothing to heal himself or help you in your recovery from the wounds he inflicted upon. He takes no ownership or responsibility for his actions, and instead blames them all on you. I would say divorce, quickly. 


THIS ^^^^^
PLEASE run for the hills he is abusive in SO MANY ways - reading a self help book (or thirty) won't fix him - it will just allow him to string you along longer
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anthro
It's also important to remember that his behaviour with his affair partner given their age difference and his semi-parental role was also abusive. He is not an okay person.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Jennifer
It sounds like he needs extensive individual counseling to work through his many issues. You are not responsible for staying and helping him fix himself.
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notemanj
Inconsolable: Everyone here has said to you that you should run for your life. And in all fairness, I was thinking the same thing as I first read your story. 

But as you you will also see on here over and over again, that the choice to stay or leave is yours. And no one here will think any differently of you if you decide to stay. 

Has he spent a weeks weeks worth of 5 hours working on himself? If so, give him until next week. If not, then it’s time you step up your game. 

My WH did nothing but continue to lie and gaslight me and pretend that the world was just as it should be for a year. At that point, I told him I was done. I was divorcing him after the Christmas holiday. And I somehow managed to stick to my guns. 

I started talking to an old boyfriend who was going through a divorce at the same time. When my H found out, he got so stinking drunk that for about half an hour, I was sure he was going to rape me. He was so drunk that he didn’t remember this the next day. 

I told him about it.  And he called a counselor that night. It took him 2 1/2 months to actually go. But he begged me at that point not to leave him. I told him that I would stay as long as I continued to see progress. 

Its been another year down down the road from that. And we are still struggling sometimes. I am still learning new information. Sometimes I want to scream because this is taking so long and ALL OF IT, from the affair to our recovery, is his fault. 

But I see progress. Painfully slow, painfully hurtful progress. 

So, my advice to you is to figure out how to take care of yourself. Whether it means making him sleep in a separate room or moving out on your own. None of those things mean it is the end of your marriage. It just means that you are taking care of yourself. 

If, after some time, you still see no progress, then leaving won’t be so hard. If you do see progress, tiny steps towards recovery, you can allow him back into your life. 

The main point here is that you can only control you. You need to protect yourself. If he wants to come along for the ride, then he needs to catch up to the train you are on. If he doesn’t want to, then you will know what you need to do. 

I wish you moments of peace. No matter how tiny. Relish them. I hope you continue to come here and anywhere else you can find hope and friendship and and care. Keep educating yourself. Love yourself. 
Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 5/15/2018 and counting. 
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Inconsolable_Grief_Unsafe
I cannot get on the community forum so I am replying to this from my gmail.
My dsl will not be fixed until next week wednesday and i have limited internet via a jetpack but for some reason it only lets me on certain websites not sure how to fix.

Thanks to everyone and especially notemanj for your reply IT helps me and everything you say is the same for me a slow turtle pace because he spent his whole life avoiding his emotions and he wants to continue with his old bad habits. We got thru 2 steps of Tim Tedder's Understanding Why course and We read together the apology letter from step 8,9 or 10 (I dont remember which) and he cried his eyes out because it is so articulate as to the damage that he inflicted upon me and on us and our adult children. He kept telling me that during his 3 year affair that he never left me (he never left our home) and I told him how messed up his thinking is so the apology letter explains very clearly how he abandoned me in every way and he bawled his eyes out. Today we took a break from the WHY course but he spent 3-4 hours reading the AA books to me that I bought him so I consider that part of his healing. He agreed to continue the WHY course tomorrow so I am waiting to see if he will follow through or not.

When he was resisting affair recovery work, I told him that i will not go places with him or talk to him other than doing affair recovery work and since he thinks one hour a month is just fine and dandy then that is the only time we will spend together. Then he agreed to do 5 hours a week and after we did our first step of WHY (and 2 affair videos I found online) then I agreed to go run errands with him and go out to eat. He begs me to stay with him and says all the right words but then he is so dysfunctional that he does not do any recovery work consistently. I told him call a lawyer or call my therapist and make an appointment. He agreed to go to my therapist in April after we finish Tim Tedder's first aide course and read the books he recommended in the course. and after we finish the Understanding Why.

He is learning a little because he changed his why answer in the question section of the WHy step 2 course. last year he told me he was angry at me and he had a revenge affair ( he never told me what I did that made him so angry & want revenge) but now he understands that he was shifting blame by saying that I had made him angry. In reality he took little things and blew them up in his own mind so he could have what he wanted and felt he deserved (entitlement) and that it really was not a revenge affair at all.
When we were arguing I got really mad and he told me that I was mental (he gaslilghted me for 3 yrs during his affair & said I was unstable and mental he even got my doctor to diagnose me as bipolar when I was really ptsd and he joked and laughed about my diagnosis to my kids and to his affair partner & me but when I finally told our family doctor what he did he changed my medical record & our dr. quit being friendly with him )

We started going back to church and he has not been drinking now for about 2 weeks he admitted he still gets the urge to drink. I am going to start going to al non next week. I know his affair partner in my mind has no blame at all because she was an abused girl who needed a psyche evaluation.
I invited her to therapy 3 times and all 3 times she declined saying that she does not need to see a shrink to tell her how messed up she is. I also told her that if she felt coerced or pressured into sex then I want her to file a police report and I told my husband both times that I tried to convince her to file a report. If she was 16 years old when it started then he would be listed on the national sex offender website but she was 18 and she was manipulated not coerced and my therapist says manipulation is not a crime. His face turned white as a ghost when I told him that I was going to help her press charges.

But he reminded me that she she threw herself at him and he liked it and went along and she pretty much never admitted she threw herself at him she only said that she felt it was implied that if she did have sex with him that she would be sent back to her dad which she would do anything to not have to go back to her parents and counting carpet fibers because her dad never let her out of the house and she was defectively homeschooled. I am not against homeschooling our son was homeschooled and he graduate with a bachelor of Science in IT Summa Cum Laude 4.0 GPA.

Anyways I keep telling myself that I will insist that he does all the recovery work and behave himself and act like a husband should and even then I can still leave him if I want to just out of spite and then I hope he jumps in a lake and drowns but that is just how I feel right now and later maybe I will feel differently especially if his actions improve but going forward I dont listen to what he says I watch him and write it all down so I can make a decision whether to stay or go. maybe if he can turn himself into a some what decent person and even then I can still leave if I want to. I guess the biggest obstacle is going to be financial because the money gets split down the middle so I will be below the poverty level. he will get 800 bucks more per month because his social security is $800. more per month than mine so he will fare better in the divorce. of course when he dies I will get his amount instead of mine.

thanks all of you for listening
Joan

I will be back online next week on wednesday
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Keepabuzz
My wife also gaslighted me throughout her affair. Told me I was crazy. What I was feeling was wrong. I was being too sensitive, etc etc etc. In the first 2 years after d-day, her “words” meant absolutely nothing, no, less than nothing. It was actually so bad that when she would say nice or sweet things to me, it would only anger me. Your husband needs to understand that his words are worthless, his actions are everything. He shouldn’t stop saying the right things, but he MUST DO the right things, all the time, forever. 

But, from your description of how he has treated you before, during and after his affair, why would even consider staying, other than financial?  As Anthro has said many times here, the way the WS behaves “after” d-day says way more about them then how they acted before or during their affair. It took me a while to come to agree with that whole heartedly, but I’m there. He is spot on there. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
My honest opinion is that cheating on you is the least bad thing he has done. He was in a parental role to a troubled girl. A few months younger and it would have been statutory rape. Morally it's just as bad. It's as far from okay as it gets. 

She was an abused and clearly vulnerable young person you took in to help, and instead he reinforced a problem she clearly already had when his job was to prove to her that she was worth more than just being used sexually. 

He's beyond the pale to my mind, no amount of affair recovery can clean that up. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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