My husband said he would do anything if I would just not divorce him. He cried like a baby and said he would be a broken man and he is scared to die alone.. SO now is the test, if he will get through recovery books then maybe I can decide to stay with him or not. But lately, he just wants to pretend normal, ignore, escape, distract himself with anything and everything so he will not have to deal with his issues on how and why he crossed the line. He is the son of an abusive alcoholic father who also was undiagnosed with PTSD from killing 3 germans in WWII. My dad is the son of 2 alcoholic parents so my choice of husband was dysfunctional because family familiarity. I am an over functioning spouse like my mom and my dad had an affair on my mom and they did not divorce but they drove each other miserable for years and my mom finally paid him back about 10 years before they both died.
The really hard part is that the girl he cheated with is an abused 18 year old that we took in to help her. She is our daughter in laws younger sister. So it was a double betrayal because I loved her like a daughter and I dont think her family knows. I would like to tell them but her dad would probably go on the nut and kill my husband because he has mental issues and he is abusive. Her dad told her that she was worthless and would never be able to hold a job, drive a car, get married or have kids of her own.
We took her in and I taught her how to drive, and helped her get her license and a job. I also taught her how to cook, sew, shop economically and play the guitar. She composed 2 songs when she lived here. And she performed the songs at my uncles church. My husband taught her that sex can get her the attention she craves. She threw herself at him (behind my back) and gave him a scripture that she can be his concubine. The affair both sexual and emotional affair lasted 3 years Then the last year she was lived with us she started another secret affair with a man 24 years older than her (my husband is 40 years older than her) and she was having sex with my husband while carrying on an emotional affair with this other man and I think she did have a physical affair with him too but not certain. She has daddy issues and would not date people her own age when she lived here.
I never dreamed they were having sex because my husband cannot stay hard for more than 30 seconds with me but with an 18 year old on top apparently there is a higher state of arousal and he told me it was like live porn for him. I knew they were having an emotional affair but my husband is controlling and emotionally abusive so he does exactly what he wants despite my objections.
His affair partner was abused emotionally by her dad so she had the emotional maturity level of a 12 year old when she lived with us, so I have to live with the realization that my husband is in a sense is a pedofile at least emotionally speaking and I told him so. I have ptsd and I dont know if I will be able to get thru this. He confessed his affair in Jan of 2018 a few weeks after she moved out to relieve his guilt he said ( everything is always about him). Eleven months later on Dec 22, 2018 he stabbed me with another affair detail because he was angry at me because I would not admit that I abandoned him 15 years ago when I went to a hotel to stay overnight after him and I had a bad fight ( he ran at me with his fists which he now denies) He wants me to agree that I abandoned him first so he can rationalize his affair
SO on Dec 22, 2018 he was angry with me for not admitting fault of abandonment so he told me that he had sex with her just 20 feet away on the floor in the next room the day I had my gall bladder removed (new detail previously he said I cant remember where you were when I had sex with her on the living room floor so he lied during disclosure on Jan 7th 2018) and I was on the bed heavily medicated and ill and sleeping under sedation cuz the anesthesia had not worn off and that was the 8th d-day because he keeps trickle truthing me from Jan 2018-Dec2018 and he blamed me for his affair for several months saying that my complaining is why he had the affair and it was revenge because I complained too much. Well I was doing 90-100% of everything while his butt always sat on the computer watching movies and youtube videos and he reads books and goes bike riding while I slave away so yes I complained to no avail. None of my needs were ever met in the marriage, he always got sex when he wanted it even if I was not feeling well and he always got his rocks off and never brought me to orgasm or even asked me if I had one. Everything has always been about him and his needs..
He blamed me for not spending time with him while I was helping our son in nursing school. Our son had to do online classes with labs dissecting a pig and yes I spent a lot of time as his study buddy for 2 years. But when I got done with helping our son then I had to do dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, pay bills, etc the only thing he ever did was yard work & snow removal and he would have a trantrum if we did not help and we have a rider mower and a very good snow blower. So he said that he had the affair because he had to do recreation all alone and I left him all alone. I did not have time to spend with him because I did 90% of all the chores while he had fun and sat on his lazy arse most of the time. And his affair was fun!.And he said that he deserved it. Entitlement.
Now, I want some fun too and I think the best thing is that if he keeps dragging his feet to do the hard work reading the books then good because my life will be so much better without him. God told me that He is my husband now and that was 4 months before his affair partner moved out dumped him and God released me from the marriage. My husband threatened me in 2017 that our son and his wife will be homeless if I leave him. He also told me that I will not get his pension and I believed him for 2 years until I asked a lawyer. Once my husband found out that I can take half his pension, & his affair partner dumped him, and after he came out of his affair fog NOW he says that I am a wonderful wife and I did not deserve any of it. SO which is it? Am I so wonderful? he does dishes (half ass he never finishes them he always leaves some not loaded & he wont bleach the sink or wipe counter he leaves a big mess) and he sometimes folds laundry and I think he expects me to kiss the ground he walks on because he helped with a chore [puke].
Sunday I mentioned an affair article and was talking about it to him so he runs in his room claiming he needs to go to sleep (its like 3 pm) he escapes away so he does not have to talk about the affair. He avoids and if he wont talk to me then I will have to divorce him. He displays all the same bad character traits that got him an affair except that he tries now really hard to control his anger and he lamely helps out with dishes or laundry without me asking him to. I feel like his mother not his wife. I dont want a child for a husband but he says he likes it (sic).. that I make him feel safe.
I met him in church and he was addicted to church for 25 years and then he got back on alcohol which helped break up his first marriage btw. He is reading the AA books I bought but he still has the urge to drink. He is currently not drinking but his drinking comes and goes in cycles maybe its binge drinking? I never got my needs met in the marriage so I really think I should have been the one to have an affair but I have higher moral standards and I fear God. Actually, I prayed for 3 years for God to take me in my sleep because of his emotional affair with her and he shook my faith in God because it felt like God abandoned me. I still am going through grief and trauma about God abandoning me and at one point I wondered if God really does exist. SAD SAD SADNESS is my new companion. IDK if I can take anymore pain!!! he seems to spew it out at me so easily! He has anger issues from childhood. And he blames me and thinks he is the victim but actually he is the victimizer. He has emotionally abused me for 34 years and I am still here. I must have a screw loose.
He even blamed me for his bad relationship with our son he said it was my fault for intervening. Our son was in nursing college and he would have deadlines and my husband wanted him to go do grocery shopping (while my husband is retired with nothing to do but watch movies and read books and bike ride) so yes I put my foot down and said NO he does not have time for the chores he always tried to make him do. Our daughter flunked a nursing class she got a 79% but that is failing in the nursing program because he did the same thing to her giving her lots of extra chores that she did not really have time to do and I was working and not home to defend her, so she failed and had to wait a whole year to retake the class and get back the program. Today she is a nurse and he told her she would never make it and he laughed when she flunked and said ha ha I am right. She was ready to give up and I told her the best revenge is to prove him wrong and she rose up in courage and did it to rub it in his face and show him how very very wrong he was!
I cant tell my family because they would pressure me to divorce him and I am still not sure what I will do. I dont have anyone to talk to. Today I got him to read an article and it said that the betrayed can become codependent due to the trauma inflicted so then then will try to control the unfaithful's recovery. My husband thinks recovery is reading one article every month (about 30-45 minutes per month). I told him and I had to get nasty that he can call a lawyer or call my counselor and make an appointment (he does not want to do counseling) and my idea of affair recovery work is at least 5 hours a week. Also, the author in question stated that the unfaithful was doing recovery work and my husband is not doing any recovery work. The author of the article has an affair recovery programs that requires a commitment of 15 hours per week and he also stated that if the unfaithful is not doing any recovery work then you need to set boundaries and leave the relationship. After I went on the nut when he accused me of trying to control his recovery I told him what recovery? then he accused me of being crazy and irrational because I am so angry at him he is still manipulative, avoiding, controlling etc. He is still an emotional bully but I won this time only because I threatened to divorce him due to lack of recovery work. He takes no initiative but finally he has agreed to do 5 hours a week of coursework reading and workbooks but I still fear that we wont make it because of all the damage inflicted. I feel like it is a toxic relationship and he will never change. Sadness is my new companion. oh I said that already ! I must be crazy for letting him have a second chance. Please someone talk some sense into me!