Devastated Show full post »
Freewill76
Hi Devastated
I understand your pain. You at this stage are surviving not really living your life. I am at this stage too. I can honestly say if not for my girls I would not be here today - that is how low I got. I always thought I was a strong person until this. But you know what I am, I can't say I don't cry every day cause I do but you really do need to focus on you as I am trying to do.
I can't change him and when I tried to convince or encourage him to see what a big mistake he had made he just pushed me further away. My WS just walked out didn't even try as he hadn't been happy for 6 months out of 22 years, so he just gave up. In some ways it's easier as I have no choice but to get on with my life, but when you make that hard decision to start focusing on you and the kids it seems to start a little fire inside which very very slowly( and I mean slowly!!!) begins to warm you and allows you to realise that I can have a life without him. It's going to be a lot different and definitely not what you had planned out for your life but it will be ok
Use all the support you are offered, the people who love and care for you will see you through this. More than likely your husband will see what an amazing woman you truly are and come back
Good luck with everything. I think after all this I might have babbled on a bit but I hope you get some of my message and it comforts you in a little way
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
One thing that I learned from all of this is something I used to say before, but didn't really believe until all this.

No one "needs" the other to survive. We choose to be together. Actively choose.

That's what a healthy relationship ends up being. You are together because you both want to be together, but you can function on your own. In man's case, nothing is more attractive than a woman who can hold their own.

This is why I advocate working on yourself. In the end it comes down to their choice whether they want to be with you or not, so it behooves you to be okay with whatever the outcome is.

Either way, if he leaves you will need to get okay, and quickly.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Devastated wrote:


I finally feel some emotional connection due to his honesty which is what I crave and he is pulling away. I have not been perfect. I was focused on the kids more than him. I wanted to stay home and work part time because I did not want to miss out on their childhood. I knew he was stressed financially, but I was selfish and stayed with the kids anyways.. Also, I do not particularly like the career that I chose. Does that make it okay to have an affair -absolutely not . I am not making excuses for him at all. However, I can understand how he was feeling. I do not like who I have become- waiting for phone calls for him, waiting for his texts. I feel like a love sick school girl. His traveling magnifies my insecurities and my loneliness. Not knowing where we stand in our relationship is driving me crazy. I am consumed with my thoughts and having a hard time focusing on my kids. He travels, works hard, but also gets to live a "single" life of going out to restaurants, doing activities that a person with kids is not able to because of his travels. This has caused me to have resentment. I am hanging on to a thread of hope. Am I being foolish? My heart hurts. I do not want to feel like I did not give our marriage all my effort before we throw the towel in. There are a lot of good things about us. I feel like no relationship will be perfect. I am not sure if I want to deal with a whole new set of problems. I am certainly not thrilled with the idea of dating again.



I agree with you here,  the emotional connection was always something I needed, but I never got that, my husband seems incapable of this, or maybe its just me that doesnt recognise any efforts any more. 
I too work part time, I didn't want to work full time. I had my children and the home and was a real home making type of woman, just wanted to be with my children and bring them up in the best way I knew and that was to be there with them.  We didn't have a lot of money but any that I earned was saved and went towards holidays etc.  I reasoned that if we didnt need it to pay bills, I didnt need to work full time.  It always seemed as though he was never happy with me only working part time though.  Now I feel like it could have been one of the reasons he might have been unhappy in our marriage but I  don't know if I will get to the bottom of it.
When I first found out about the affair I felt like you do now, hanging on his every word, waiting for a text or phone call, but also dreading those upsetting conversations about the affair. My thoughts took over for a while, I worried about where he was, if he was with her again, or talking to her at work. 
The thing that helped me find myself again was when he moved out, I found a peace and calm that came from not being able to see or know about what might be going on. 

Like you though, now I am a bit resentful that he doesn't seem to have to worry about the things that go on at home, the general running of the place, and the pastoral side of care with our grown up children.  They may be adults but they still come to you with help with problems and situations that they've not come across before.  He's not there to help them then.  When he has done whatever he needs to as regards to work and home life, he can do exactly what he likes, he only has himself to think about in that respect. Whereas I seem to be on call, for whoever, whenever, 24/7.  Or is that just a woman being unable to switch off? 

I think you are right about giving it your all before throwing in the towel, but there is only so much you can do on your own.  There is only so much coaxing, leading and prodding you can do and in the end they have to make decisions for themselves and realise why they made them.  We can't put words into someones mouth or thoughts into their head.
Have to say though, the thought of starting again doesn't exactly inspire me either...if it came to that, for now..I'd rather be on my own.
Quote 0 0
Devastated
Thank you for all of your responses. I appreciate your feedback. It is nice to have people to talk too. I have only told one person about my situation and that was my boss because I will need to slowly increase my work hours or find a new job. I have chosen not to tell anyone else at this time because if I decide to stay, I do not want to feel like I am being judged. I am trying to be strong, but feel like I am failing at the moment. It is hard to be there for your kids like you normally would when you feel like your life is falling apart. My feelings yo yo back and forth thru out the day from wanting to stay married to not wanting to, but feeling really scared about supporting me and my kids and growing old by myself. I also feel like my husband' s travel life for work needs to change and I do not think he will make the changes. He is gone almost 50% of the time. This has been going on for the last year 1/2. I do not think he will give up the financial aspect of it. I am going to ask him if he is willing to stop traveling if I go back to work full time. I have nothing to lose because I am eventually going to have to go back to work full time if we get divorced.
Quote 0 0