Fae80
Hi, i am new to the forum and glad to have somewhere i can write in private. I am not one to publicly post about my relationship, nor do i have anyone i can trust to talk to, so i am her to look for advice if possible. 
My husband has cheated several times throughout or relationship,and probably more but i never got proof. 
We have been together since we were 18, and now i am 39, so a long time together! We have 3 children, all 3 are on the autistic spectrum, and i am a stay at home mum, and have been for 15 years. 
Several times i have caught him cheating, all one night stands but he tends to form friendships with the ladies on facebook, until i find out by a message that he forgets to delete. Each time he cries, begs to stay, promises to change etc, tells me he loves me and i let him stay, we try again. 
Each time chips away at my trust and i am now such a different person, no longer outgoing like i used to be, low self esteem, and i hate myself. 
I caught my husband last summer messaging a women, they were flirting all day whilst he was supposed to be helping a friend move, but he was actually in the pub all day, the messages were very flirty, then they arranged for him to go to her house, with messages such as 'are you up for it' 'yes of course cant wait', it was obvious what they were planning. 
I messaged her to tell him to collect his bags on the way, and same message to him. She said it was just a joke, i know what he is like and laughed it off, he came home lied at first then admitted it all, begged and cried to stay, for weeks he was so remorseful i really thought that he meant it this time.
Then tonight, he goes out after work with his boss for drinks, and i don't know why i checked his facebook but just felt i should, and hes messaged someone else around 11pm saying he is in a certain pub and will she meet him. 
Ive told him not to come home, and he is messaging me back saying hes done nothing wrong, he will come home and lie, twist things, argue, i really have had enough. 
what i am worried about is what if i am wrong? he knows i am looking at his facebook, and i will feel like im the crazy one.
And if its over what do i do with no money and 3 kiddies? 
Such a mess and i dont know where to start.
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Fae80
I should mention that we have tried counciling In the past, which is why I can’t see what other way forward there is 
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ThrivenotSurvive

That your husband has been willing to put you through this multiple times is, in my OPINION, unforgivable.  One time is pretty damn close, but MULTIPLE times?  


I get the worry about supporting yourself and your kids.  But I’d sneak and see a lawyer, look for resources in your area and begin planning an escape.  Even if it takes you a year to save up money on the sly or whatever you need to do.  This is no way to live your life.  And there is nothing okay about flirting with other people before - and ESPECIALLY after - you’ve put your spouse through betrayal.  He should be guarding your heart, not testing it.  


I am a huge believer in redemption and forgiveness - but not when someone isn’t making any effort to deserve it.  I’d start planning a life without him today.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ABCOneTwoThree

Serial cheaters never change. 

This honestly sounds a lot like what I went through with my ex husband. He only ever admitted to what I had tangible proof of, and every once in a while I would get this sixth sense telling me to check his accounts, and every time I’d find something backing up my suspicious feelings. 

Im not going to tell you whether you should leave or stay, no one can make that decision but you. I can tell you that I went through it for nearly ten years, and I deeply regret not leaving much sooner than I did. I have young children, and unfortunately when I finally left I had just recently had knee surgery, and was out of work with no income. It WAS NOT easy, I struggled a lot, but I had friends and family that helped me out until I could get on my feet. My kids and I are doing wonderfully now, I know most people stay for the sake of the kids, but I can honestly say that me leaving has positively impacted my children, they are better behaved, they’re doing better in school, my oldest no longer has sleep issues or mood swings, and my youngest is finally speaking in full sentences after being completely nonverbal past the age of 2, and limited verbal past the age of 3. Now, take that all with a grain of salt, because there were physical manifestations of abuse in my marriage as well, in a perfect world I’d like to say I kept that hidden from my kids (save one incident that happened right in front of them), but who knows what they picked up on that I was oblivious to at the time. 

The last straw for me was picking up my husbands phone when I was on crutches in his car and unable to walk unassisted. A notification came through and I was going to yell for him to come get it, but the notification was from Tinder 😐. I unlocked his screen and there were multiple dating apps right there on the home screen, as well as a few other apps that aren’t technically dating apps, that he had used to cheat on the past. I checked out a few messages (because apparently I needed more proof), locked his phone screen, set it down and crutched my way into the house by myself. He came in to see why I went inside and I calmly and coldly told him the marriage was over, I was done, he couldn’t talk me out divorce this time. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Multiple infidelities, and multiple DDays are hard to forgive, and hard to overcome. I got to the point where I resented my husband so much that I wasn’t even sad the last few times I caught him. I even made a few snarky remarks that he had so much practice, he should be able to get away with it at this point without being caught. 

Formerly EasyAsABC 
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AnywhereButHere
'Crying and begging to stay' appears to be a component of your husband's Cheater Toolbox. He probably rehearses it. Take it with a grain of salt.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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hurting
No. I’m often for trying and staying, but here, you need to set your boundaries and stick to them. Do not let him continue to hurt you and abuse your trust. He has had his chances- and he has messed up every one of them intentionally. Here is a true serial cheater... honestly, the faster he’s out of your life, the better.

Ask your gut whether you REALLY believe his words? I think you’ll have your answer. 

Im sorry you’re in such an awful position. Time to get out and focus on you and the kids. He’s not worth the time of day. 
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JKoloseik
Begging and crying is NOT remorse, it's fear and shame... both of which focus on HIM. It's taken me years to shift through the gaslighting and confusion. My situation is very similar. Constant betrayals, constant confusion. Slowly I've boiled down my first couple "red flags." All his words sound so good, but (1) who is he talking about the most, and (2) did I feel confused afterwards?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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