Sillywoman
I am the other woman in an affair and I just cant seem to get over his wife and the life they lead.
I am in a rocky relationship, not as rocky as it was but its not the life I want to live with him. (Husband suffers with anxiety and depression, its no excuse but it makes for a harder life than a caring partner who puts you first).
We have been involved for almost 6 years. 2 years ago I was single, broken up from my marriage because I loved my other man more. I lived alone for 1 year and he didn't leave his wife. I heard about plans to move, holiday plans all normal couple type discussions between them, no talk of leaving her. It was Christmas and I was alone, my ex contacted me and we got talking and got back together. My affair was devastated that I had gone back to him and told me he was on the cusp of leaving his wife and I had screwed up any chance of us ever being together. For some reason things didn't end though. He moved, he told me he's happy with his lot and can see that we would never work together (17 year age gap). The trouble with this is that I don't feel the same, I feel it would work and would gladly give up having a family of my own to be with him. I feel he uses my age as an excuse, depriving me from having children as he doesn't want any more and wouldn't want to get married again so id miss out on all the things that I should experience in life. Is this utter rubbish? I have to ask as I'm completely blind to his charms because I love him. If he loved me, wouldn't he want all those things with me or wouldn't we find our own compromise as a couple who love each other. It is an excuse isn't it because my parent separated when I was a kid, I survived, kids are adaptable. I need a reality check.
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hurting
You DO need a reality check. 

This man is no good for you. Or for anyone. Look at his actions. He’s selfish, he wants his cake and to eat it too. 

He’s a liar- presumably as are you, as you are cheating and stealing from his family and wife. And your own husband! I won’t focus on that part though- that’s not why you’re here. 

He is telling you the typical lies ALL cheaters tell- he wants to have you around and he knows the way to do it is to tell you what you want to hear in that he is leaving his wife. Again, look at his ACTIONS. Did he do it?? No. 

Im guessing you’re still young enough to have kids. I don’t know how important stating a family was to you BEFORE you got stuck in this mess, but if it was always something you wanted... it’s a huge thing to be throwing away for someone who clearly does not treasure you. You are throwing away and wasting your life, chasing after an impossible and WRONG (unethical, built on LIES) fantasy. Sure kids can adapt if they are forced to. But do you REALLY want to damage the lives of the innocent children he has to fulfil your own selfish desires? Were you happy that your parents separated? How was your life affected by that? Surviving is easy- it’s the things that come with survival and residual damage that’s hard.

Lastly, it seems to me from what you’ve said that he’s actually looking to distance himself for you. Don’t lower yourself any further by trying to insert yourself in his life where you don’t belong. He has told you it won’t work. He has no intention of leaving his wife or family for you. It’s time to stop and focus on your own life and the damage you’ve done to it. I guarantee you it’s there- you just haven’t cared enough to spare it any thought.

please wake up.
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Vanessa
PLEASE get some counseling as to why you think SO LITTLE of yourself that being the side piece of a liar is all you deserve - I know you love him. . . . well many women claim to love their physically abusive partners and yet no one would tell them that LOVE is enough so they should endure a few more beatings in the name of love.  Affairs are abuse.  The bruises just aren't visible to the rest of the world.  Please get out and find your self worth and don't throw your life away on a LIAR
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Sorry
Hello, been there, done that....cringe with embarrasment at the memory.

Move away from them. Get him out of your system and somewhere two years down the line if you really work on having a new geniune happiness you should start to feel it. 

You are not his plan... In the very few happy ever after stories of affairs lasting and building into happy marriages there is no lingering or waiting for two years. He is not planning to leave his wife and He is happier being miserable with her than He can imagine being happy with you. He is selfish, if he genuinely saw the happy ever after he would have left by now.

Work on yourself, so that you can find your own happiness. This sounds more line torture.

I have been there and felt totally line my life would never be real or whole again and it is horrible and hard, but three years down the line I am so much happier!!! 

Maybe your husband/partner does not make you happy, my husband was never the issue, I was. So leave or stay but work towards an authentic life with no deception and you will be amazed how much happier and lighter you feel 
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Sillywoman
Thank you so much. Every point taken on board, its so hard to not be able to talk to anyone about any of this. I wish I could confide in my best friend, she would have said all that is said above, I am lonely and youre right, he has told me. I don't know what im playing at.
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anthropoidape
If you just try a little harder and lay out all the arguments really clearly, he will leave his wife for you and everything will turn out really well for everybody. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sillywoman
in my heart of hearts I know he wont, I think if he was going to he would have by now. I am a convenience and that is all I will continue to be. Once his kids are grown up and not so dependent he will replace me with his wife, I am just acting as an infill whilst she isn't giving him the attention he clearly craves.
If I was to look in on someone else living my life, I would likely advise them the same. Heart breaking.
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Keepabuzz
Sillywoman,

You mention a lot of about “me”. That is normal, people who cheat and have affairs are extremely selfish. Honestly, adultery is one the most selfish and cruel things one person can do to another. I don’t care too much if you want to continue to run your life down a path of destruction, but goodness sakes, what about his wife, his kids, YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR KIDS?  What did any of them do to deserve this enourmous plate of shìt they have to eat, due solely to your and your AP’s cruel and selfish choices. If you aren’t happy in your marriage, leave. Just leave, it’s that simple. Don’t ever contact or accept contact from your AP, then don’t ever insert yourself into someone else’s marriage where you have no business, or right to be there.  

There is a lot of verbiage in this thread about how terrible your AP is, just exactly how is his behavior any worse than yours? Just because he won’t leave his wife and kids, and you are will to leave your husband and kids???  I’m not trying to attack you or shame you at all, just going off what you have posted. 

Your husband deserves honesty and fidelity, and emotional safety. You have robbed him of all of that. Your AP’s wife deserves the same from him, and you had a large part in robbing her of that. The kids on both sides deserve to have parents that aren’t splitting their time and thought between them and some immoral, cruel, fantasy.  

You also deserve to be treated well and loved. You’re never going to get that while you abuse your husband, live a life full of selfish, cruel decisions, lies and deception, involved in a false marriage, an adulterous affair, and all of it built on lies, deception and abuse.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Kaff
You say your husband is not caring and loving and putting you first- are you caring and loving and putting him first
he had/ has anxiety and depression so you in caring go and have an affair
justifying it all as your husband not treating you right.Bet he suffers because in his gut he probably knows somethings not right with his wife. Affairs are between two selfish people
.They show disregard to any promise or commitment yet you expect your AP who is a cheat and liar to his wife to not be a cheat n liar to you
. He is cheating you of a decent fulfilling life( and also cheating his wife and kids of same)
BUT YOU- why complain you were willing to accept lies n deception , a lack of integrity, misuse etc
ALL THE THINGS you are being to your husband who you say doesn’t TREAT YOU LOVINGLY.
LOKK AT YOURSELF
your AP is giving you all that is accept is ok. He sees that you think it’s ok to treat your husband as you do, but your not doing anything wrong are you?
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Sillywoman
I’m see some comments left that are harsh yet realistic, I wrote here because I wanted some advice about MY situation, I am not so naive to think that my other half wouldn’t suffer as a result of my actions but I do have to point out that it is not as black and white as a few of you seem to have posted about, perhaps due to being on the receiving end of similar actions. I think you can tell from my post I am not proud of the situation, I am not justifying my actions but they have already been done. I can’t reverse that without a time machine. I don’t want to be in love with this man but as many of you will understand it’s rather addictive and to cut all ties is a very difficult thing to do.
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Sorry
Its not actually that difficult. Make a choice. You only have one option really,move forward and work at it.

Or continue to live in a fantasy convincing yourself it will come true. 

It wont! but you are welcome to waste your own life.
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Keepabuzz
Sillywoman wrote:
I’m see some comments left that are harsh yet realistic, I wrote here because I wanted some advice about MY situation, I am not so naive to think that my other half wouldn’t suffer as a result of my actions but I do have to point out that it is not as black and white as a few of you seem to have posted about, perhaps due to being on the receiving end of similar actions. I think you can tell from my post I am not proud of the situation, I am not justifying my actions but they have already been done. I can’t reverse that without a time machine. I don’t want to be in love with this man but as many of you will understand it’s rather addictive and to cut all ties is a very difficult thing to do.


You say here that you aren’t justifying your actions, BUT it’s not as black and white as some here may think.  That statement IS a justification. There is nothing that justifies adultery. There is no “Yes I betrayed my husband, but_________”.

You say your aren’t proud of your actions, but they have already been done. I disagree here, of course you have already done many terrible things that can’t be undone, but the problem with your statement is that you are “continuing” to do those things. What if a man beat his wife every day. Then he said I feel really bad about beating my wife, but he still beat her everyday. Does that sound like he is really sorry? But it’s hard to stop beating her, right? It’s addictive, right?  

It really is as simple as a decision. Do you want to continue to hurt other people, as well as yourself by being involved with the other liar, and cheater, or do you want fix yourself, live a life of integrity, honesty, and not hurt yourself and others?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Kaff
Silly woman. Just saying you are part of an alliance with a guy that cheats n lies n had betrayed his wife
Thats his character
yet you seemed shocked that he seems to have” betrayed you”Why?
You also are justifying treating your husband as unworthy of your honesty and respect. You show your AP that your ok with people being treated as disposable commodoties
that u understand lying n cheating/
ypu have justified lying and cheating
so your AP knows you get it
Why is it hard for you to be treated as garbage
feel used by your AP, yet so easily have treated your husband that way. You say it’s not black and white
really, adultery is wrong
you are degrading and disrespecting another . Your character became flawed in your decision to betray n sneak and lie. Can you see your AP who also lacks character can so easily cheat you but probably thinks you bring like minded would get it. 
You  May need to decide to get your thinking about your AP to include that a traitor can easily betray anybody if they justify it. 
It sounds like your hurt I hope your experience of betrayal heald
it is a horrible soul destroying experience.
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hurting
I agree- it IS that simple. The problem is more how much you want to make and stick to that decision? 

You got yourself into this mess. You can get yourself out of it. Cut him out of your life. Actually work on yourself rather than focusing on what you feel you ‘need’ from him. Or are you saying you have so little will power and are so weak that you cannot control yourself? I know this is harsh, but only YOU can control your actions. So do it. it isn’t easy for those who are weak willed and prone to this kind of behaviour... but you are seeing that this situation really isn’t working out as you had fantasised... it’s time to pop the bubble and face the reality of the mess you’ve created.

I agree with the others who have said your justifications on having turned to an affair due to the state of your own relationship are exactly that- neglectful justifications that in no way provide actual basis to having an affair. Because nothing can justify that kind of behaviour. Your actions are far worse than however you perceive your husband to have mistreated you, save if he is cheating himself (which I suppose he could be).

regardless, i understand that right now, you’ve come to post here because you want to address the YOU part of this equation. 

My advice to you is this:
cut the other man out of your life. He is no good for you, and you aren’t part of his plans. You’re literally being used on the side... which nobody deserves! He has been stringing you along as a backup plan, feeding you only empty words and promises.  He’s a liar. As are you really, but knowing this, why do you continue to put yourself in a position to be fed lies, no matter how much you may want to believe them? Face it. Lies are lies. It has all been a fantasy and an escape... one that will never end in the happily ever after you want it to. 

You need to work on yourself and face how and why you are in such a situation. The problems are likely yours at LEAST as much as your husbands, no matter how you may blame his conditions. Perhaps leaving the marriage is for the best, given you certainly can’t seem to support him with his needs and you are actively actually damaging him with what you have done. If you had the will and strength to disentangle yourself from this mess enough to support him, then perhaps the two of you have a chance. You’re focus seems to mainly be on you though.. so that’s a different story.

cut him out of your life. Block and delete his number. Change emails and don’t give him the new one- delete the old account. Get off social media. Avoid any instances where you may run into each other. It’s hard to start with, but will get easier with time. Focus on you and your husband. It’s what you need to do to stop wasting your life pining after a fantasy built on lies and deception. TIme to adult up and face reality.
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JORGE
The last thing many cheating MM want is his AP wanting exclusivity. He wants you to be, but doesn't want you to demand him being exclusive to you. Totally messes his game up. You were perfect for him until then. You were played terribly. Recognizing what you had or thought you had is part of the advice you're seeking from this forum, so that's why I'm telling you. You were used by a man who consciously helped destroy your marriage and your husband so that you could be a SUPPLEMENT to his own. Think deeply about that for a second. Recognize your fantasy husband for what and who he is so that you can acknowledge and detest your relationship with him.

Fantasy husbands don't have to discuss with you  life challenging issues that real married husbands and wives do. They speak in conceptual and philosophical terms, but it's not real ones because they only have to talk it, but not walk it.  Fantasy husbands are fun because they haven't been tested on how they respond to real issues. It's dominated by romance and emotional intimacy without real life interfering. Your poor husband never stood a chance against a fantasy husband and the lustful energy they give off.  A fantasy marriage is like being on vacation where everything feels good. In real life back at home however, the garbage needs taken out every Tuesday night, the dog needs walked at 5:30 am each day, the lawn needed mowed last week and the cable bill is 2 days past due. This is how your betrayed husband is viewed.  

Once you see that the AP was a vacation hotel room pretending to be your real home (husband), you can effectively remove the AP from being a need in your life, remove him and then begin fixing what's broken in you and possibly, if not repair your marriage, then at least having the integrity to repair the man (husband) you helped break by confessing your misdeeds and helping him rebound into being a man again. He lost this at your expense.  You have to own this and own the affair, Their's no justification for it and your husband, regardless how bad the marriage was, did not deserve to be replaced by another. Everyone, including yourself deserves respect.  You disrespected and dishonored your husband. It's up to you to get this right, regardless whether reconciliation or divorce is decided upon.You have work to do.
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