TJmay112
Where do I begin. My husband and I have been together since we were 17, married (and paid for our own wedding) at 22, bought our house at 21... Both grew up well below poverty level and in broken homes and together had the goal to live a better life and give our child/children what we didn't have.

We were totally and completely in love with each other. At 21 we had gotten my niece out of foster care and we were caring for her, she is a huge part of our lives we have raised her as our own. Our friends were in awe of our love. I believed he was my reward for always being positive through all the junk I had been put through in life. I put him on a pedestal- he was so honest it made some people dislike him but not me - I liked that he was completely factual and up front about everything. My husband was amazing he was a man with integrity, kindness, thoughtfulness, strong but soft, always always there for me and my very broken family. He was my knight in shining armor, my best friend and our sex life was GREAT.... at least that's how I felt.

Life wasn't always perfect but it was really good! We were still young and he liked to have fun but never once did I worry about him cheating. He despised cheaters. But he did like to drink and get rowdy but usually I was the driver and that always worked well. After we were married we tried to start a family. We tried for 7 years. At 22 I was diagnosed with uterine precancer and I had to have two surgeries and go through treatment. Once I was all clear we able to start fertility treatments we lost two babies and had many many failed cycles. We had taken another break after our last loss and my body needed time to recover so I was put in birth control. And then my mom got sick with cancer she passed in February 2015 and I was on birth control and somehow we conceived. This pregnancy was unplanned and the baby was healthy but we did have a scare early on, but we made it through and the pregnancy was pretty normal. I was beyond happy. My life with my amazing husband was finally coming together - we would be a family! I was the happiest woman on earth. So happy and involved in my pregnancy - I admit.... I lost sight of him... of us. I didn't mean to... My feelings never changed towards him but looking back my actions did - I was all about our baby. Sex was scary because I didn't want to risk losing the baby.
Our co-Ed baby shower was October 3rd the next weekend was his annual guys trip - and although I was close to my due date and it meant he would miss the part one of our two day birth class - I wanted him to go and have a good time before the baby came. I didn't realize how much fun he would have. When I didn't "take care of him" before the trip he set out with a goal to have his needs fulfilled by another woman. And he even went to an establishment where you can pay for that but felt guilty and left. Later he met a woman 15 years older than him at the craps table... They hit it off. Both married they had a fling. But it didn't stop there when he returned home he reconnected with her.. She only lived about 30 minutes away. Two days before I gave birth to our son who we tried to conceive for 7 years I found the text messages. I thought I was going to die or lose the baby, it was unreal, I was living in hell... I can express the pain I felt and the awfulness of what I lost emotionally during that time. I had no idea that it was only the beginning. The day he was supposed to bring my son and I home he went home got cleaned up and drive the 45 minutes to see her.He haddent been in much communication while in the hospital with me. And while this woman knew he was married he lied and told her we didn't have any children - that day he left us waiting at the hospital to sit face to face with her and tell her about our son. Then began the cycle of lies and that it was cut off and over with her and it reality not once did he ever end it and she continued as well knowing he was married with a new born son. He told me time and time again it was over with her and - every time I would happen upon more information that it wasn't true. I was home alone on maternity leave with a new born and everything I ever wanted slipping away from me. I had nothing else to do but dwell and dig so that's what I did. I won't go into all the details but I will say that with social media and the Internet it doesn't take much to find almost anything on a person and I did just that. Long story short - I have had multiple conversations with this woman (who is nearly his mothers age) in addition I also hacked his devices and could read their conversations in real time. There is a list of what NOT to do when you find our your spouse cheated I think I did 17 of the 20 on that list! When I hacked the account I found that there were multiple women. He would meet anyone in the bar and exchange numbers... Share photos with them of my son and play the game of "I'm a single dad - my mom watches my son to give me a break". His friends would let him borrow cars to leave their house and go see her - everybody knew what was going on as I stood there with our new born son begging him to come home to us. One thing was true.... he fell in love with this woman and after one night of not coming home and being with her he angrily told me he wanted a divorce. I told him that's not what I wanted and to file the papers but he never would. The situation became more difficult and more violent causing me to leave and move out twice and also to call the police 3 times in a month. Finally I moved out and for what I thought was for good. My niece (who we raised) connected with him somehow and showed him he was in the ER she punched a brick wall out of frustration and anger, mostly because of not knowing if we are going to divorce or why he did this. (We are like her parents) after talking to him she called my sobbing so much I couldn't understand her, at the same time he called me crying... Apologizing and begging me to come home and bring our son home. He said he wasn't going to do this to us just so he could have fun and he would cut it off with her that day. He did but she continued and still pursues him.. But now he's privy to my "hacking" and I haven't been able to break back in.

So I explained all of that to ask this... The affair started in October 2015, ended (supposedly) early March 2016... I believe if it's not over it is limited (He allows me to view his location in Real time to see where he is via his personal cell phone) I check call logs and he no longer carries his stupid work phone 24/7 (that's how they would hide their communications until I hacked that account as well.) So we are working on stuff. But it's different in so many ways. For example I am a fun silly person now I feel like I can't joke and sometimes when o do he doesn't even laugh just half ignores me. We don't kiss... He will put out his cheek but rarely will he kiss me and never before/after sex... I always feel that I must have my guard up. I don't feel sexy enough, funny enough or important enough. He doesn't compliment me - ever. (I've lost over 40 pounds since I had our son and gone down 3 sizes!) Will we ever be is again? Will I ever stop wondering why? Will this ever stop hurting? Before he would say - it will never be the same there has been to much damage. I thought that's just the "affair fog" talking I can fix this I can swallow the glass, I can repress these feelings of hurt and anger and we will be happy again. I hate to admit it I think I was wrong...
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Anna26
TJmay112 wrote:
Where do I begin. My husband and I have been together since we were 17, married (and paid for our own wedding) at 22, bought our house at 21... Both grew up well below poverty level and in broken homes and together had the goal to live a better life and give our child/children what we didn't have. We were totally and completely in love with each other. At 21 we had gotten my niece out of foster care and we were caring for her, she is a huge part of our lives we have raised her as our own. Our friends were in awe of our love. I believed he was my reward for always being positive through all the junk I had been put through in life. I put him on a pedestal- he was so honest it made some people dislike him but not me - I liked that he was completely factual and up front about everything. My husband was amazing he was a man with integrity, kindness, thoughtfulness, strong but soft, always always there for me and my very broken family. He was my knight in shining armor, my best friend and our sex life was GREAT.... at least that's how I felt. Life wasn't always perfect but it was really good! We were still young and he liked to have fun but never once did I worry about him cheating. He despised cheaters. But he did like to drink and get rowdy but usually I was the driver and that always worked well. After we were married we tried to start a family. We tried for 7 years. At 22 I was diagnosed with uterine precancer and I had to have two surgeries and go through treatment. Once I was all clear we able to start fertility treatments we lost two babies and had many many failed cycles. We had taken another break after our last loss and my body needed time to recover so I was put in birth control. And then my mom got sick with cancer she passed in February 2015 and I was on birth control and somehow we conceived. This pregnancy was unplanned and the baby was healthy but we did have a scare early on, but we made it through and the pregnancy was pretty normal. I was beyond happy. My life with my amazing husband was finally coming together - we would be a family! I was the happiest woman on earth. So happy and involved in my pregnancy - I admit.... I lost sight of him... of us. I didn't mean to... My feelings never changed towards him but looking back my actions did - I was all about our baby. Sex was scary because I didn't want to risk losing the baby. Our co-Ed baby shower was October 3rd the next weekend was his annual guys trip - and although I was close to my due date and it meant he would miss the part one of our two day birth class - I wanted him to go and have a good time before the baby came. I didn't realize how much fun he would have. When I didn't "take care of him" before the trip he set out with a goal to have his needs fulfilled by another woman. And he even went to an establishment where you can pay for that but felt guilty and left. Later he met a woman 15 years older than him at the craps table... They hit it off. Both married they had a fling. But it didn't stop there when he returned home he reconnected with her.. She only lived about 30 minutes away. Two days before I gave birth to our son who we tried to conceive for 7 years I found the text messages. I thought I was going to die or lose the baby, it was unreal, I was living in hell... I can express the pain I felt and the awfulness of what I lost emotionally during that time. I had no idea that it was only the beginning. The day he was supposed to bring my son and I home he went home got cleaned up and drive the 45 minutes to see her.He haddent been in much communication while in the hospital with me. And while this woman knew he was married he lied and told her we didn't have any children - that day he left us waiting at the hospital to sit face to face with her and tell her about our son. Then began the cycle of lies and that it was cut off and over with her and it reality not once did he ever end it and she continued as well knowing he was married with a new born son. He told me time and time again it was over with her and - every time I would happen upon more information that it wasn't true. I was home alone on maternity leave with a new born and everything I ever wanted slipping away from me. I had nothing else to do but dwell and dig so that's what I did. I won't go into all the details but I will say that with social media and the Internet it doesn't take much to find almost anything on a person and I did just that. Long story short - I have had multiple conversations with this woman (who is nearly his mothers age) in addition I also hacked his devices and could read their conversations in real time. There is a list of what NOT to do when you find our your spouse cheated I think I did 17 of the 20 on that list! When I hacked the account I found that there were multiple women. He would meet anyone in the bar and exchange numbers... Share photos with them of my son and play the game of "I'm a single dad - my mom watches my son to give me a break". His friends would let him borrow cars to leave their house and go see her - everybody knew what was going on as I stood there with our new born son begging him to come home to us. One thing was true.... he fell in love with this woman and after one night of not coming home and being with her he angrily told me he wanted a divorce. I told him that's not what I wanted and to file the papers but he never would. The situation became more difficult and more violent causing me to leave and move out twice and also to call the police 3 times in a month. Finally I moved out and for what I thought was for good. My niece (who we raised) connected with him somehow and showed him he was in the ER she punched a brick wall out of frustration and anger, mostly because of not knowing if we are going to divorce or why he did this. (We are like her parents) after talking to him she called my sobbing so much I couldn't understand her, at the same time he called me crying... Apologizing and begging me to come home and bring our son home. He said he wasn't going to do this to us just so he could have fun and he would cut it off with her that day. He did but she continued and still pursues him.. But now he's privy to my "hacking" and I haven't been able to break back in. So I explained all of that to ask this... The affair started in October 2015, ended (supposedly) early March 2016... I believe if it's not over it is limited (He allows me to view his location in Real time to see where he is via his personal cell phone) I check call logs and he no longer carries his stupid work phone 24/7 (that's how they would hide their communications until I hacked that account as well.) So we are working on stuff. But it's different in so many ways. For example I am a fun silly person now I feel like I can't joke and sometimes when o do he doesn't even laugh just half ignores me. We don't kiss... He will put out his cheek but rarely will he kiss me and never before/after sex... I always feel that I must have my guard up. I don't feel sexy enough, funny enough or important enough. He doesn't compliment me - ever. (I've lost over 40 pounds since I had our son and gone down 3 sizes!) Will we ever be is again? Will I ever stop wondering why? Will this ever stop hurting? Before he would say - it will never be the same there has been to much damage. I thought that's just the "affair fog" talking I can fix this I can swallow the glass, I can repress these feelings of hurt and anger and we will be happy again. I hate to admit it I think I was wrong...


TJ,
What a horrible situation you find yourself in right now, it's all so confusing and seems like it will never get any better.
I can relate to the cheek kiss,(mine used to kiss me on the forehead!) and I used to get the dreaded one armed hug!

If your husband is serious about reconciling with you he will want to be open and honest, showing you his phone, sharing passwords, and I would say these actions show you what is going on more than him telling you. 
 And you are right, it will be different in so many ways, even if you reconcile the new marriage will be completely different to the old one.  Hopefully stronger and better.

But to me he seems confused about what he wants.  And while he is I think you need to focus on you and your children.  Work on making yourself stronger so that whatever happens in the future, you are able to cope, with or without him.  Have you heard of the 180?  It's designed to help you, to show someone that you are not dependent on them and about teaching yourself how to do it. Here is a link to it if you feel it may be beneficial to you.  Hope it helps.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180
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Negarcia
This is exactly what I decided to do and it's crazy how much he wonders why I have changed and why im so happy. I have only been doing for a week but man its made a difference. He's texting me a lot but he gets nothing back from me
He gets upset but he needs to understand I'm not going to be kissing his butt.
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TJmay112
Anna26 wrote:


TJ,
What a horrible situation you find yourself in right now, it's all so confusing and seems like it will never get any better.
I can relate to the cheek kiss,(mine used to kiss me on the forehead!) and I used to get the dreaded one armed hug!

If your husband is serious about reconciling with you he will want to be open and honest, showing you his phone, sharing passwords, and I would say these actions show you what is going on more than him telling you. 
 And you are right, it will be different in so many ways, even if you reconcile the new marriage will be completely different to the old one.  Hopefully stronger and better.

But to me he seems confused about what he wants.  And while he is I think you need to focus on you and your children.  Work on making yourself stronger so that whatever happens in the future, you are able to cope, with or without him.  Have you heard of the 180?  It's designed to help you, to show someone that you are not dependent on them and about teaching yourself how to do it. Here is a link to it if you feel it may be beneficial to you.  Hope it helps.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180
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TJmay112
Thank you so much. It's hard... We tried for 7 years to have a baby and then we finally are there and THIS happens. I look at my son and cry I feel like I failed him. This is not the man I married. He was a good man, kind and respectful. I will read the link. Thank you so much.
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Anna26
TJmay112 wrote:
Thank you so much. It's hard... We tried for 7 years to have a baby and then we finally are there and THIS happens. I look at my son and cry I feel like I failed him. This is not the man I married. He was a good man, kind and respectful. I will read the link. Thank you so much.




I think we all think that at times, 'whatever happened to the kind caring and considerate person I married'?  We all wonder where they've gone and if there is still that good person in there somewhere amidst the fog.  And we all feel like a failure, especially those of us that just never saw it coming.  But it's important to remember that you haven't failed anyone, least of all your son. You are not responsible for the choice of your husband to have an affair.  And things will start to feel better., one day you will look back and see how far you've come without even realising.
For now, concentrate on you and your baby, he will help you get through this and love you whatever...
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