JKoloseik
After 3 years of this absolutely tortured ordeal of which I should have left ages ago, he wanted a separation, a couple months ago "to heal". Really? I stuck around, why can't he? But my biggest problem was my gut and proven suspicions told me he was running not going after healing. He left against my protests of feeling unsafe anot it. He then had a date with a girl shortly after leaving, reached out to his AP two days after leaving, and got back into porn. I think his idiocies finally got to him, so get this, he's healing! And i won't get into the dozens of new things he's doing that shows he may be healing. But I think it's real. Of course there are lots of doubts. Mostly that he doesn't have a place to live and wants to come back. So I wonder about his motives. But I'm thinking it's the real deal this time after 3 years. So why am I angry? I mean, really angry! Shouldn't I be suspicious, confused, questioning, doubtful, or any of those other usual reactions? I can't even figure out what the anger is based on. I have no idea. At least before, any outrageous emotion was easy to identify the cause. Not this one. Anyone got any ideas?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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JKoloseik
The crazy thing is, he's giving me things about healing of his own initiative, and I get pissed cuz I want more. I mean I NEVER got stuff about healing from him before, and now that I am, I'm pissed. Like, it's not enough. Like I want my 3 years back. I just wanna scream at him. I don't. I'm leaving it alone cuz I know it's irrational, and certainly counterproductive, but I just don't get why im reacting like this. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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hurting
Maybe because he should’ve done it 3 years ago. Not wasted your time. Is it too little too late? Could well be. Only you will know. I would be guarded and certainly not want to let him back easily. He has done nothing to prove he is safe for you. 
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Firebird

JKoloseik wrote:
The crazy thing is, he's giving me things about healing of his own initiative, and I get pissed cuz I want more. I mean I NEVER got stuff about healing from him before, and now that I am, I'm pissed. Like, it's not enough. Like I want my 3 years back. I just wanna scream at him. I don't. I'm leaving it alone cuz I know it's irrational, and certainly counterproductive, but I just don't get why im reacting like this. 


I’m sorry that you are hurting and understandably angry that it feels like 3 years of false R have been wasted. This is one of my worst fears: That I’ll hang around only for WSO to continue with his disrespectful behaviors and cheating. 

Have you considered finding a local Celebrate Recovery chapter? If not for him, for yourself? It has helped a lot for me to spend time focusing on myself, IC, and co-dependent tendencies. My advice to you would be to channel all that energy into yourself and your own healing; it’s empowering. Nothing makes us feel more powerless than trying to control the behavior and actions of someone who has proven themselves unreliable and untrustworthy. 

My current reading list includes:

”It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way”
Pia Mellody’s books on codependency and love addiction and
”Women who Love Too Much”


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JKoloseik
Celebrate Recovery is a tough thing for me. My husband and I were the ministry leaders when he was doing things. 
I've considered it, but I can't right now anyway. There are no weekend groups in my area and I work evenings. 
Right now I'm working hard to get out of my habit of staying in bed. I'm working two full time jobs, and picking up extra shifts whenever I can. It's just too hard to be home surrounded by triggers and memories. I just hide in bed. Something I've done nearly three years now. So I figure, first things first, kick the "hiding" habit. Trying to work on me only seemed to make me feel more overwhelmed and sleep even more. I know a hundred hours a week is a bit much, but I gotta get back into WANTING to be productive, you know?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Kalmarjan
Umm. I am a WS. I can't believe the amount of maturing I needed to do to ensure that I was serious about being with my wife. I had to do some deep self-reflection, and I sure didn't like what I saw. 

I don't see, given what you've shared with us, any productive self-reflection on his part? I don't know how to say it, but I sure as hell wouldn't "relapse", unless that was intentional. He knows his triggers too. If he reached out to the AP, then that's, in some people's books--including mine, the deal breaker right there. 

No wonder you're pissed. I would be too, in your shoes. 
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JKoloseik
yeah... had another nervous breakdown last week. was put on new meds. more meds. was diagnosed with ptsd and panic disorder. psychiatrist said the ptsd started after affair triggered my past. so, yippee. ptsd on two fronts. no wonder I had another nervous breakdown. its all so ridiculous! roller coaster after roller coaster. hope, hope stolen, hope, hope stolen. the bible says not to put hope in man, but i'm really struggling with that. thank you for your words kalmarjan. its interesting what I have learned from other ws's, things to watch for. sadly, he's been on this forum for months and has yet to reach out to anyone with any questions about how to move forward. how can someone know how sick he is and not absolutely crave healing?

huh... I could ask myself that same stupid question.
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Vanessa
JKoloseik wrote:
how can someone know how sick he is and not absolutely crave healing?
.

Possible answers to that a) he is in denial that he has issues b) he LIKES it this way.  I am so sorry you are suffering through this - I think that roller coaster has got to be as damaging as the actual affair(s) - the hope no hope cycle is tortuous.  I read somewhere that during WWII captors would randomly be nice to their prisoners because it messed them up worse than always being mean.  I can understand that - when you know you are at risk, you protect yourself, but when the other person is sometimes nice, you think you are safe. 
Your WH does not sound like a safe person for you.  Perhaps your anger is because you can now see that his "fake reconciliation" was just a ploy to string you along while he makes no changes to himself?  I don't know but I do know your anger is justified.  When the person we promised to love intentionally hurts us ( and does so repeatedly with anything other than a ONS) we SHOULD feel ANGRY.
Protect YOU
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anthro
Relationships that are on anything like a healing path don't make you feel like this. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
As Vanessa pointed out your anger is justified.  And the fact that your husband was doing some of these things WHILE ministering is some next level compartmentalizing.  

If you are anything like me part of your anger is at him - and part of your anger is at yourself.  Particularly when change is NOT happening.  A part of you asks why am I still here?  Am I weak?  Or think I deserve this on some level?  You start questioning how healthy YOU are.  

The uncomfortable truth is that these are questions we need to ask ourselves.  The answers are more important for YOU than just whether to sat y in the relationship or not - it is about how you will move forward in ALL relationships.  No matter how uncomfortable, keep making yourself look at those questions and their answers.  

There is something else that occurred to me.  You may be more done with him than you will allow yourself to recognize.  Have you ever had to fight with someone over a job, a solution to a problem - whatever... and in the beginning you were kind of lukewarm about how much you wanted the thing.  But the more the other person tried to take it away or prove you wrong - the more you wanted it - even if just to prove that you were right?  Maybe you haven't - and if so, disregard.  But I have fallen into this trap once or twice in my life.  

I think it is extremely easy to do this in the aftermath of affairs.  I was very concerned in the beginning that part of my reluctance to walk away was wanting to prove my worthiness, my loveable-ness to my husband and I knew that would be a mistake, so I challenged myself regularly to really sort through why I was staying.  

During this long process where he has drug you through hell, you may have stopped really loving him on a deep level (it would be reasonable) - and part of your anger may be a part of YOU recognizing that and wanting to let go for good.  I could be 100% wrong - and if so - throw this out the window.  But if any part of it seems real - let yourself sit with that for a while.  

Even if he HAS started to really change (and that is a big IF in my book with his track record) - that doesn't mean that you have to want him now.  He's the one that stomped on your love - so if it died somewhere along the way - that's on HIM - not you!


BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ActaNonVerba

Anger is what we feel as a response to injustice. Disappointment is our response to unmet expectations. These feelings are important safety mechanisms ; they are alerting you that something is very wrong. 

In Ann Patchett’s essay “This is the Story of a Happy Marriage” she recalls the greatest piece of instruction she ever received about marriage. An acquaintance asked Ann, “Does your husband make you a better person?” 

Ann responded with, “It’s  so much more complicated than that.” 


To which the other woman replied, “It’s not more complicated than that. That’s all there is: Does he make you better and do you make him better?”

It’s been slowly dawning on me, 18 months into what is supposed to be “recovery and rebuilding,” that if fundamental change hasn’t happened by now, it’s probably not going to happen. This is strangely freeing. 

In The Dance of Connection, Harriet Lerner gently and sagely points out that “The wrongdoer may never except responsibility… People can’t be more honest with us than they are with themselves.” She goes on to say, “We like to believe that any crucial relationship can be repaired if only we persist in saying the right words. We want results. But in some circumstances your words will never touch the other person.”

You, I, and so many others on this forum are in unbalanced marriages shattered by injustice and unmet expectations. We have been betrayed, first by the affairs, and then by the death-by-a-thousand-cuts behaviors and attitudes of the cheating spouse afterward.  We find ourselves doing the bulk of the emotional labor, with little to no fruit. 

Lerner writes: “We can become attached to our pain. We also get attached to the idea that if we stay angry long enough, and keep thinking about it hard enough, the person who wronged us will realize how terribly they’ve treated us – which won’t ever happen of course… It’s hard to give up the magical fantasy that hanging onto justified rage will someday force the other person to suddenly see the light… and… I feel equally if not more miserable… If it hasn’t happened yet, the person who hurt you will never get it.”

We deserve partners who put as much effort into the relationship as we do. We have all worked so hard to make our cheating spouses “a better person.” But unless the cheating spouse does the hard work on herself or himself, there’s really very little we can do to effect change. 

Our anger and disappointment might actually be gifts that prompt us to choose self care and self respect. I’m learning how to be with these feelings, and thank them, and then choose differently than I have in the past.   

Have you listened to Tim & Sharon’s latest Recovery Room podcast, #501? I urge us all to put it on repeat. 

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ThrivenotSurvive
@ActaNonVerba - VERY, very well said.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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