mshipp003
It's been three months since dday, my partner has done most things right, cut off contact with ow, going to counselling, treating me well etc. although when I asked for space his assumed I'm leaving and threatened to haul me through the court system and take our kids of me. He has since said his sorry.
He said he had the affair because it was for filling a childlike need of constantly having his ego stroked. He told her repeatatively that he loved her deeply, he sextexted her regularly with graphic details of how he wanted to have sex with her, kissed her regularly but denies having sex even though this went on for eight months. Not sure I believe that, but have no way of finding out...
I guess from my end after all that has happened I don't feel the love I used to, his advances repluse me, when he says he loves me it makes me sick. I feel like I'm falling out of love, I see him as childish and immature...is this normal?
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Graceandhope
I asked my husband at one point not to tell me he loved me because it really didn't mean anything to me any more. I can't say his advances repulsed me, they didn't ,however, it was move just sex. I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I felt too much and nothing so,it worked kind of like counter pressure.

But I can relate to not feeling the same. I was waiting I think for clarity to something else to happen to have to make a choice. I was also pissed that after all the crap he did choose I "got" to decide whether or not to be ok or tear things apart.

Whatever you are feeling is normal and necessity to feel to come out the other side . Unfortunately it takes time and a million feelings to feel.
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mshipp003
Graceandhope if u don't mind me asking are u still with your husband, if so how did you resolve to stay?
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Graceandhope
I am. Lots of talking ( and texting/emails)with each other and friends. Biting my tongue and slowly asking questions. Fighting my urges to lash out and finding a better time to ask questions. My husband won't deny things so I needed to be sure I really wanted to know. I usually eventually asked but I needed to be sure I would be ok hearing the worst case scenario.

I kind of had to take the lead on the conversations and ask leading questions. It took a lot of talks tho because I do know him and know when he is at a shut down point but also because sometimes he will have answered the question but for whatever reason I didn't hear,understand or remember the answer. I also had times that I leaned all the way into the crazy sadness. When I did he picked up all that I dropped. So we're also seeing that were a good team, talking about what is and was good between us. What the future could look like.

I still have bad days. Occasionally still wonder if I made the right choice. It's right for now. As time goes by it seems more likely to be for good. We're in a good spot now. It seemed to be a slow flipping of thoughts. More good days and days that I wasn't questioning what the hell I was doing.

I had moment earlier but I don't think it was until August and September that I really felt like I was (mostly) all in...like I said I still had/ have panic attacks but they are fewer. He's good at reassuring, better at seeing my pain and asking if I'm ready to talk yet. Sometimes ya just gotta feel sad.
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mshipp003
Thanks so much it really helps to talk to others that are going through this hell...and nice to hear things can get better.
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newmom
Hi,
I feel similar and ask myself sometimes if I can love him again. While he is trying very hard to make things better, he is also clearly broken from this affair and does not know how to act around me. He tries to avoid conflict/fights/uncomfortable questions, so we basically end up sitting next to each other co-existing, but not progressing towards the husband/wife relationship. 
I find myself looking at him wondering if I can love him like I used to, or something close to it. I just don't feel those same emotions. We have been together for over 11 years and our relationship pre-affair certainly was more routine. I think I loved him for the person he was to me day-to-day, my support system, best friend, and confidant. I just feel like the virtues I valued most in "US" are no longer there and I don't know if they can ever come back. If that is the case, can I love him again...is it worth staying in this relationship?  

These are very hard questions that I know are impossible to answer post D-Day, but how long do I wait to determine when we are too broken? I tell myself a year, max two, because that seems to be what many blogs say it takes, but I also hate the idea of spending 2 years in this state if I am better off starting my life over. We have a baby which is a big factor too.  It is good to hear others are feeling something similar. I fear saying some of this to him because I think it will break him more and hinder any motivation to have to try to make me remember what we used to be or could be. 

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mshipp003
Yeah it's hard, if I didn't have the babies I would have left straight away, my main motivation for even trying is my children, and I did love him..and maybe can again?
He says he feels nothing but the for the ow, which is disturbing in its own right- his still hooked and keyed into her.
How much time do you give it? I ask the same question, my kids have to live through this hell too, they were also given this sentence...how long is too long for them?
How do u get over the fact that his been with someone esle, said his "deeply in love" with someone esle, been physical with someone esle. His I love you'd and your beautiful, are meaningless to me. He said it all to her and I got to read it all...how can I move past this? Questions and more questions, no answers just ambievance.
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kaleidoscope7
"He said it all to her and I got to read it all..." I went through this also, in September 2014, when WS confessed he was messing around on gchat with his ex-wife. This summer after he threw a new EA in my face, I finally contacted his ex-wife and learned that he was in contact with her daily. The texts he showed me broke my heart. He had been honest about his lingering feelings for her (she divorced him for OM, who she married) but I never dreamed he was romancing her. It hurt and still hurts and it's hard to think of him ever using that language with me again. He wouldn't use it with me in chat anymore, and then changed to show his affection non verbally, rather than using his words. I am a language person and this lack has me dying.

Of the lesser indiscretions with the new AP he said it's just sex and it doesn't mean anything. But what is it between us, then? To me the sex meant everything. It's the one thing I give to you that I will not give anyone else. How can that not mean anything?

In 2013 I tested positive for HSV2. He was very chastened by this. He gave gifts and begged me to retest; maybe the results were wrong. He said he would get tested but either he never did, or he did and chose not to disclose to me. It doesn't matter. I'm totally asymptomatic for the HSV2. But I'm stuck with it.

I also tested positive for HPV marker for cervical cancer. As of January 2015, two years later, even though it "should have cleared" by then, I was still testing positive for it. I am not testing for it this year, because I don't want to know and can't deal with it right now. He doesn't seem to understand that this was sexually transmitted. It's overshadowed by his ex-wife's constant little cancers. She had a hysterectomy a few years ago so I don't know if she ever had this. I didn't ask, when I spoke with her.

Then he told me on Sept 1 2015 that he is screwing his new boss. He was mean about it. I had no more room for the cruelty; my body goes almost into arrest. So after two more days of fighting, I went NC, and since then, we have had few interactions and they all end in cruelty, now mutual. I was in therapy and recovery alone, but even with support, still too traumatized to allow even one more cruelty. I am broken hearted about us and don't know how or if I can find my way back. The last time he contacted me, his tone was sneering, and I felt baited. I told him if he baits me again I will refer it to the police, his boss, and his ex-wife. That he has hurt me and I cannot do anymore.

That was two months ago and I haven't heard from him at all. I feel like I am healing or rebalancing. Sometimes all I feel is a crazing almost hatred, wild unbelief, a noisy angry panic that he should just stay away from me or god knows what I will do. Other times I am as gentle as anything and I love and miss him so tenderly -- and in those times it's good that we are apart, because these tears start falling and they don't stop literally for days. I will cry for three days straight, sometimes. Last night I wondered if I needed to look into medication but I decided no: this is bereavement, a deepest grief, and it's so valid. It's necessary. I lost my dearest love, my dearest friend, my husband, my playmate, our family, our history, our promise, and our future. This Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were the first without him since 2009. I did marvelously ok; my own child and I had a peaceful beautiful holiday season. I'm proud of my strength and my leaning into joy. I think it was necessary for us to experience that set of holidays apart. But I don't know how you come back together after that kind of separation.

I'm saying all this and it's kind of irrelevant. But it's to underscore that even though I feel scathed enough to separate and go NC, I also know I love him dearly, more than any man that ever lived. I'm going to say that I believe I can love him again as I did before I faced his tremendous acting out. I think it's possible that in time I could even love him *more* deeply, and I want to.

What's most badly injured is not my love: it's my trust. That is shattered by all this and his defiance, denial, addict behavior. His blaming; his calling me "violently jealous" "irrational" "histrionic". Insisting that my upset about his activity is my problem; that I need therapy, meds. His continued contact and defense of these APs. I've had to look at the likelihood that he is not just an addict, but also personality disordered. He is verbally and emotionally abusive around the affair topic. My trust is broken, and yet I'm so hopeful. That even if he were diagnosed with some personality disorder, there must be ways to work with that, to support him without endorsing the misbehavior.

What I mean is that I have loved this man in God's right way from the start, and I can't stop, I don't know how to stop. I know I am right to be angry and hurt. I know I am right to extend grace. Somehow I know I am right to love him. I am separate until I know he loves me in kind. There's nothing I can do in the waiting for this, except pray.
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mshipp003
What a journey to hell you have been on...your capacity for grace, empathy and love are admirable. I wonder in time, will that happen for me?
For me the choice to stay or leave are equally hard, I feel I've been given a life sentance but committed no crime other than to love and be loyal. My partner was happy in our relationship which confuses me more- a exit affair makes sense.
I'm a prisoner now- trapped in own mind, consumed with grief, no identity, drifting in a sea of ambivalence. At times I can pack away the violins and focus on my kids, but for the main it's a living hell. What kind of a life is this?
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kaleidoscope7
Is your situation an age-related or other milestone thing? My husband divorced me ahead of his 40th. My WS is 47. I have cut off from the man for whom I was recently an AP; he was 60. The two married men that I declined were both facing major job changes, which seems stupid but I understand they both were looking for some kind of anchor or distraction.

I'm asking because I'm half begging God that affairs are just a panic over mortality or something. It feels so unfair that it could just be a thing of satiety seeking or entitlement, or recreation. I know addiction doesn't really have logic but -- I do. I just want some kind of across the board justification for why people do this, and why they don't stop.

Sometimes I feel marvelously adult about all this. Other times I am just a child of about six years old, clinging in tears to the robes of God. On the heart level it feels like I have lost my entire world, and is just continually devastating. I'm grateful for the support here (both present and archived) and for any of the moments in a day when I am not thinking about it at all.
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mshipp003
My situation is a little different, but common I've heard, my partner started his affair when I was 7 months pregnant and continued until my baby was 6 months old. It was a very high risk pregnancy for me and the baby- both our lives were on the line. But alas that didn't stop him...or her. We all work at the same place so when I return from maternity leave the three of us have the pleasure of working togeather...
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