sabalias
Things have been going really, really well for my wife and I. We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in July and,as part of the celebrations, renewed our wedding vows. We have still come across the occasional bump in the road to full recovery since the renewal (mainly around me trying to trust fully again).

We're coming up on a year since D-day and we've both been feeling a bit low at times. In addition, my wife has been thinking more about her late mother and her dad has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson's. Even so, our moods have been predominantly good. Last night, just before going to sleep, we were having our usual catch up and she said that she was frightened that (in the future) she might be tempted to stray again. She has reassured me that nothing has happened but she had a brief moment of thinking about what happened without the guilt, and perhaps looking up the AP on facebook to see what he's been up to. Those thoughts scared her. We spoke about things like not being able to control what pops into your head and that choices are what define you, but now I'm trying to work out if this is 'normal' for the unfaithful partner and whether it is a good or bad thing that my wife scared herself with this (albeit brief) moment of guilt-free thinking.

Any thoughts, observations or advice gratefully received.

Sabalias
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Dirazz
I'm a firm believer that one can control what pops up in ones head. It's called self control and we all have it if we choose to use it. Something our WS's obviously didn't use at the time of their affairs. In order to heal and work towards reconciliation we ALL have to change our mindsets. However I do think it's a great sign that your wife not only had that fear but communicatied it to you. That's a fear of mine too. My husband works with pretty much all women being a male RN. Hospitals are a very common setting for affairs. Anyone on here that works at one or their spouses will tell you the same thing. I have put 100% of my faith in God. My husband has done the same along with setting up strong personal boundaries.
I think your all doing amazingly well. Your story restores hope for all. And the fact that she realizes the danger this time only means she gets it. Happy 25th Anniversary Bravo!!
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Heidi
I think that shows she's making great steps forward. She's acknowledging that affairs begin long before physical boundaries are crossed, and begin with thoughts. She also knows what she is capable of and is afraid of doing it again because she knows how much pain it causes. To me that's really positive.

I can't always control my thoughts, but I can control my reactions to those thoughts. I can see where acting on those thoughts could create pain, or make me cross my boundaries.

I'd be annoyed at her looking him up on Facebook, and would want her to think about why she did it and how to stop it in the future. For example if she's not currently able to stop acting on the impulse, I'd want her to delete her Facebook account. Because if she's looking him up, it means he isn't blocked -- and why isn't he?

So to me the thoughts are fine. The actions (checking Facebook) are not. That's where I'd have a problem.

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sabalias
Thanks for the reassuring comments.

My opinion is that thoughts are like busses, you can't stop them coming but you can choose not to get on for the ride.

Regarding looking him up on facebook - it was a momentary temptation (which scared her) and she didn't act on it. Apparently she wound up having a bit of an internal dialogue to try and understand where the temptation came from (just curiosity it seems). In short, she didn't look him up and yes, he is blocked.
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Heidi
In that case I think it's a huge step forward. First that she stopped herself, and second that she told you about it.
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