CrippledLamb Show full post »
Damot
I am going through this at present. With my wife as the WS saying that she has will not stop the friendship with the OM she is at present having an emotional affair with, although she wants to explore a relationship with him.She does not want to give up the "friendship" because he makes her happy. Attached that happiness to a person and not looking at the underlying causes which can be worked upon in the real relationship that she has abaondoned through separation.  She is not interested in trying reconcilliation for herself, kids and family.  She is not willing to work on the communication and will end up in the same place again wondering why she is unhappy.
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CrippledLamb
Very sorry to hear of your predicament Damot. I've stayed away from the forum for a while because I'm overwhelmed by the difficulty of dealing with my WW's choices. I can't say I have any advice really for you other than hold on to what else is good in your life and focus on that. The belief that we can control the situation that our WS chose for our relationships on his/her own, is what causes the biggest heartache.
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TimT
Damot wrote:
..She does not want to give up the "friendship" because he makes her happy. Attached that happiness to a person and not looking at the underlying causes which can be worked upon in the real relationship that she has abaondoned through separation.  She is not interested in trying reconcilliation for herself, kids and family...

All those happy-chemicals in the brain... they're powerful! We all know the rush of feelings that come with first glances, first touches, first kisses, first everything. And if that experience defined intimacy, the best we could hope for would be to go after it again and again, to feel the pleasure of another "hit." But all that pleasure is meant to attract us into something deeper. 

Your wife doesn't want to give up the happy. It's her drug of choice. Problem is, it won't last forever and then she'll either face her regrets honestly or look for someone else to give her the happy again.

I'VE BEEN THERE! I know the power of it. Unfortunately, you're probably the last person who convince her of the truth right now. You may have to wait until the cracks start showing in that relationship. Even then, don't be the one trying to point them out to her because she will likely want to defend them even more. If you have a history of genuine connection & trust in your marriage, there is a chance she'll recognize the possibility of it again.

Otherwise, you have a different choice to make.
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Damot
Thanks Tim,

I am the at the point where I know the danger of convincing, trying to talk logic and otherwise change her mind (controlling) and I have told her this.  I think this is slowly starting to soften her towards me again.

I can see the hurt in her eyes and the ease in which she comes teary-eyed so very easliy, she appears to have great internal conflict at this time.

Time will only tell.

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UrbanExplorer
It's complicated. People are often told it is better to leave a marriage than to cheat, but after they cheat (proving themselves untrustworthy), they are told they should stay and work on the marriage (if the BS allows it).
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