Eliot Show full post »
Eliot
It sounds like there are a lot of people who get stuck at this stage. Anna26 It does sound like we are at a similar place. I have big questions about trust and if you cant trust someone how do you relax and enjoy life with them. I personally wouldnt like to just drift back into the marriage because like you said then he hasnt committed to the changes you need.

Graceand hope- I agree its almost totally about fear for both me and my WS. Fear of rejection, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Fear of finding out more stuff. Fear of ending this kind of happy, false sense of normality.

Lack of communication contributed to this mess and I guess its fitting that to move forward we need to be able to have a hard conversation. I will be thinking about what you said Guiltguilt- you guys are sometimes very dim!!I also agree no one is a mind reader and I shouldnt assume anything- maybe he doesnt want to try and reconcile, maybe he just feels guilty? I think that actions do speak very loudly so keep goingGuiltguilt, remind your wife of your good qualities. My husbands actions are the only reason I Am even letting him hang around me and the kids. After being so angry that for a long time I refused to see him or even speak to him. Now, Its hard because I dont know what I want- I had decided I wanted out, but his actions afe making me reconsider.

And also if I dont know what I want, how can I expect him to know what he wants?
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TimT
Eliot wrote:
...Its hard because I dont know what I want- I had decided I wanted out, but his actions are making me reconsider. And also if I dont know what I want, how can I expect him to know what he wants?

There is no rush to make a commitment to a long-term choice once you've been betrayed. Sometimes it takes a while for a choice to settle firmly. If you have hope for your marriage, as vulnerable as it may seem, take careful steps in that direction and see if your husband's commitment to honesty & recovery can sustain your risks. That's how trust will be rebuilt... or destroyed permanently.

The fear you mentioned... recognize it, be honest about it, be cautious because of it, but don't let it control you. If I over-simplify the kinds of conversations you should have, they would go something like this:

You: I didn't expect you would ever hurt me like this. I don't know how to get back to trusting that you will never do it again.
Him: I am sorry. I want you to forgive me and I want you to know you can trust me. I know it will take time, but give me a chance to show you...

Him: I am afraid you will never be able to really forgive me for this. I wonder if this thing will be held over my head for the rest of our lives.
You: It's a huge hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever get over it, too, but I know others have and I want to work toward forgiving you. Believe me, I want to be able to put this behind us, too.
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