iris0906
Hello... I am new here and I posting because I just don't know what to do. I discovered my husband has been having an affair in early March (a month ago). I tracked the car to a hotel and somehow got his room number. He told me then that he hasn't loved me in a few years. But the next day, we talked and he said he only said that to make me leave. A few days later, I catch him again with the OW and he assures me again he doesn't love me and loves her - in front of the OW. 
The next day he comes back home and does not want to talk. He says to wait a couple of weeks (until the end of the month) then we talk. 
So the end of March comes and we talk. He assures me he does not love the girl, loves me, and that he only wants to be with me. So he said he will cut off contact but I have to wait until the end of April. He works with her and has to serve 1 month notice according to his contract. He also cannot promise that he will not "hang out" with her anymore or go out with her. He said he wants to "break up" with her his way. By the end of April, when he goes to work at another place, he will break off all contact with the OW and start "fresh" with me. He assures me it will get better... But all I hear is: please wait one month while I continue to see the OW then at the end of the month, I will come back to you. 
We've had big fights these past couple of days about how I think this is not fair and all he can say is basically take it or leave it. I love him and want to be with him but I can't believe he's the one dictating the terms. If he really was sorry, I don't think he should be the one giving ultimatums...
Given all this, I am still torn... Should I just leave? Or should I wait 1 month and see if this will work?
Quote 0 0
anthropoidape
LEAVE. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 5 0
iris0906
anthropoidape wrote:
LEAVE. 


How is it possible that my mind agrees. I keep thinking, I SHOULD leave.
But something's holding me back... Love? Stupidity? I really don't know...
Quote 0 0
BrokenHearted
I understand where you are coming from, but in order to possibly "wake him up" you need to leave. Sometimes that is what they need to come around and other times it is just easier for them to have you be the "bad guy". Sorry to say. I hope things work out the way you want, but if you end up losing him, after the pain, you will see how much stronger you are. You DESERVE better! Don't settle for being the consolation prize. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT! He doesn't sound like he is worth the struggle. Good luck to you!
Quote 2 0
tipper
this is abuse!  Find your b*8ch boots and tell him to leave.  You must be willing to lose the marriage in order to have a chance to save it.
Quote 3 0
Kelaine53
Leave. You can know that it may not be permanent but don't let him know that. He needs to turn his self around and get his head back where it belongs. I left my husband of 40 years when I found out about his 6+ year affair.in the last 20 months he has become a different person in every sense of the phrase. I don't know that this could have happened if I had not left.
Quote 1 0
iris0906
BrokenHearted wrote:
I understand where you are coming from, but in order to possibly "wake him up" you need to leave. Sometimes that is what they need to come around and other times it is just easier for them to have you be the "bad guy". Sorry to say. I hope things work out the way you want, but if you end up losing him, after the pain, you will see how much stronger you are. You DESERVE better! Don't settle for being the consolation prize. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT! He doesn't sound like he is worth the struggle. Good luck to you!


Thank you. I wish I can be as strong as all of you...
Quote 2 0
iris0906
Kelaine53 wrote:
Leave. You can know that it may not be permanent but don't let him know that. He needs to turn his self around and get his head back where it belongs. I left my husband of 40 years when I found out about his 6+ year affair.in the last 20 months he has become a different person in every sense of the phrase. I don't know that this could have happened if I had not left.


Thank you. Right now, I'm just trying to get the strength to really up and leave...
Quote 0 0
Laurajean83
Iris,  I am the WS and I agree with everyone here.  You should probabky leave.  From my experience, he has no concept of reality for the moment.  He is so in his extremely selfish world that he feels entitled to everyone making him the center of the universe.  This needs to stop, reality needs to come.  Maybe faith, maybe tradition would compel you to stay, but someone else said earlier...  you have to be willing to lose the marriage to even have a chance to save it.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
Quote 3 0
Storm2017
This is a tough call.  Leave in a sense that you should emotionally leave.  I am going through what you are going through.  I don't think that will stop any time soon.  The key is not to focus on him, how and when he will get better.  He may or may not realize what he is doing is wrong but that may take much longer than you may hope to.  So I deleted all information about the other person, stop tracking what he does and try to re-focus on myself instead.  I know I am dealing with someone who has more than his fair share of issues.  This is not about the other person but about who he is and his character.  I will never advise anyone to leave or stay as everyone is different but just focus on yourself.  He is not in the right frame of mind to speak so stop talking to him and start re-evaluate your life instead.  As if you are to embark on a new journey on your own.  I think that is the key.  We all know what we should do but sometimes, that takes great amount of mindfulness to get there.  Mediate and do something for yourself!  You are not alone.
Quote 2 0
Karilee
As hard as it may seem to do, LEAVE, or better yet make HIM leave.  Let him go to whatever it is he so badly wants.  It's the only way either of you will truly know how you feel or what you want. He is LYING his a** off by putting you off and saying just wait until this or that.  All lies.  I have been there too, more than once.  It hurts, it sucks, but it will not change and he will just be more secretive to continue the affair.  Don't be a doormat.  He is not expecting you to leave and knows you will be there so he is a cake eater.  So selfish and hurtful.  Show him the door and don't let him see how sad you are.  Be strong in front of him and cry and scream in private.  He is disrespecting you so badly and only cares about his own wants/needs, at your expense.  It's so true, all the sayings, if you love something set it free. Time will tell and it will be hard but you would be amazed at how strong you really are.  Try looking at this situation from an outside point of view, as if your best friend were in your shoes, what advice would you give her and how would you see what he is doing. You would probably be telling her to leave, even if only for a while.  Be strong and surround yourself with people who love you.  Stay busy. Don't give in to his lies. 
Female BS, two kids age 10 & 13
Married 16 years, together for 23 years total
D Days - Feb 2013, June 2015 and Sept 2017
All with the same OW
Separated
Quote 1 0