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OWnomore
I'm not sure whether to tell his wife yet- if I do it'll be at the end of all the other stuff I'm trying. 🙂   She wouldn't report him I don't think.  I don't know her, but his health is poor and they've been together a long time, so I think after a bit of a tense time she would stick with him. In terms of ways of having him face consequences for his actions (so he'll be slightly less keen to do this stuff in future) I think it might cause him more anxiety for him to never know if/when I'm going to tell her.
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ThrivenotSurvive

I would make sure that someone (either you or your counselor) notifies his governing body.  While you are not his patient (which they may have otherwise used to dismiss any charges) ; he was using the benefit of his knowledge regarding your disorder to manipulate and use you.  That would typically make any licensing body take  notice.  This isn’t a disgruntled ex.  This is someone with a diagnosed psychiatric condition being manipulated by someone who knows exactly how to do so via their training and experience.  

Mail everything registered mail and make sure you keep records.  I doubt this is the first time this creep has done this and it likely won’t be his last.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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OWnomore
I doubt this is the first time this creep has done this and it likely won’t be his last.  

@ThrivenotSurvive  I don't think his professional body will do anything, but I'll probably contact the psychotherapy centre that he rents rooms/gets work through once I've finished with the police (who I expect to drop it fairly quickly unfortunately, though they have said they'll interview him.)

There are various women he's doing or done similar stuff to over the years, women with varying degrees of vulnerability.

Once I'd got rid of him, I didn't need more evidence he was a wrong'un, but I found quite a bit from different women.  This was an extra unnecessary massive nail in the coffin :-

There is a woman with severe mental health and physical disabilities he approached online in a therapist-like capacity, after seeing her post somewhere that she was suicidal.  He used to tell me a lot of things this woman had clearly told him in confidence, and would be very derogatory about her.  So after I ditched him I thought she should know he's telling everyone her secrets.

I discovered that a lot of what he'd said about her was lies/twisted round.  He had told me this woman had sent him unsolicited pics and videos, and he'd asked her to stop (I don't know why I believed that, lol!)  Turns out, true to form, he had nagged her for these.  She asked if he'd told me she had problems with urinary incontinence (he had told me.)

I was kind of joking when I said 'I'm surprised he didn't ask you for pics.'

She said, 'Oh, he did.  He'd say things like "Yum, show me."' ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®ðŸ˜®
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UrbanExplorer
I'm sorry you were exploited by a narcissist. I don't have your mental health issue, but I have (had - never again) a lifelong tendency to be sucked in by charming or intense narcissists and sociopaths and then used or drained. As part of therapy, I've learned the warning signs, why these people are attracted to me, and how I give myself away.

I hope that in the course of your therapy, you can rebuild your self-esteem and health and also surround yourself with people you can trust.
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OWnomore
I'm sorry you were exploited by a narcissist. I don't have your mental health issue, but I have (had - never again) a lifelong tendency to be sucked in by charming or intense narcissists and sociopaths and then used or drained. As part of therapy, I've learned the warning signs, why these people are attracted to me, and how I give myself away.

I hope that in the course of your therapy, you can rebuild your self-esteem and health and also surround yourself with people you can trust.


Thanks.  Sorry you've had similar experiences. 🙁 Are you now managing to fend off the narcs?

Yes, some of it is that I didn't want to lose a friend (which I thought he was!) so did things I otherwise wouldn't have done.  I'm a 'people please' who fears rejection, so I find it hard to say no.

Am doing a thing called the Freedom Programme, which I think will also go through red flags.
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triplehooks
If repelling narcs is an objective I found HG Tudor — a sociopath narc forced to write or lose his inheritance/face criminal fraud prosecution — to lay out their inner workings in the most complete way.  I came away with an understanding of:

- their level of self awareness of their condition (greater, mid-range, and lesser) and how that relates to whether they are “instinctively” narcissistic or “deliberate”-ly so
- their incentive system (fuel/supply, of ANY kind), and their accelerating need for “more” vs a “steady” level (if you supply them 1 unit of fuel today, it better be 2 units tomorrow or they will be less happy, when they become less happy they flip from seduction to devaluation to switch from positive fuel to negative) 
-their sources of fuel (people...yikes!) which they see as primary (immediate family, spouses, “best” friends), secondary (friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc...people “in” their life but not super-intimately) and tertiary (cashiers at the store, lobby attendant at a hotel, folks on the metro), and how they shift people up and down through the relationship cycle
- their relationship cycle (seduction, devaluation and discard), and its correlation to their incentive system and creating the conditions to hook you, and manipulate you to get various forms of positive and negative fuel from you. On the front end you see “love bombing” (study that VERY closely) and on the back end you get gaslighting, blameshifting and other acts of DARVO
- their view of the duration of their “right” to draw fuel from their “sources” (until one of the parties dies, them or you), which is the context for “hoovering”
- the different types of hoovers they execute to hook you back into the front end of another relationship cycle to supply them further fuel

So many patterns in there to program your mind to identify and protect yourself from...
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hurting
I am in the health care industry though likely not in the same country, but there is NO WAY that wouldn’t be looked into here. Where I live, there is a governing body through which all health care professionals must be registered to be allowed to practice. If he has any qualifications at all, then there will be a place where he is registered. The very fact that there are police involved in said complaint would raise some alarm bells with them. The police absolutely do not need to be ‘done’ with their investigation before you raise it with them. In fact, I’m inclined to think the police should HELP you make them aware. 
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UrbanExplorer
Through therapy, I was able to sort out family of origin issues that led me to be a rescuer and people pleaser. I think I attracted narcissists because of my "niceness" and humility, willingness to rescue and explain away bad behavior, and material benefits (education and successful career). My AP was fairly poor, and I have always loved an underachiever with talent/potential. I think that is why he pursued me and why it drew me in. In hindsight, several of my dating relationships and some of my platonic relationships involved rescuing and pleasing and then burning out and resenting. Even in my career, I took on way too much. It made me a valued employee and colleague but was unhealthy and burned me out.

I don't know about you, OP, but I got to the point where I was rarely sure what *I* wanted. I didn't even acknowledge when my boundaries were crossed. I just knew I had to help, rescue, and keep people happy with me. When you ignore your internal voice for that long, you eventually can't even hear it warning you. I'm now able to feel that tiny sense of what I'd call anxiety, anguish, anger, or dread when someone is on my boundary. Once I recognize it, I can take actions that protect me and are in line with what I need to live a healthy life.

But it's hard to disappoint someone! One of the hardest things for me is saying no to my husband, even about small things like not wanting to go to dinner. He gets unhappy with me and pouts a bit, which used to be enough to make me go along with his plans. So we always did what he wanted and rarely what I wanted (if I even knew what I wanted - a vision board helped with this). I have to be able to speak up for myself, and it's very uncomfortable. We have to be honest with each other in order to rebuild this thing. 

I'm also channeling my need to help into volunteer activities and financial support of organizations (or people via organizations). When I feel myself becoming a bit too earnest about helping someone, I envision myself stepping back by 6 inches and re-evaluate what I am doing. I ask myself if I am taking over someone's problem and trying to solve it instead of just being supportive. 

It was a real lightbulb moment when I realized what narcissists/sociopaths are and how I've had some in my life. Look what I allowed one to do - draw me out of my marriage into a reckless situation that hurt many people but didn't bother him at all. Never again.
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OWnomore
Thanks for all your messages.  

@hurting I think the police would get in touch with his work if it was a client he'd messed with, or maybe if the investigation were taken much further (I don't expect they'll take i very far.)  My bestie said contacting his work myself at this time mightn't be a good idea, in case it effects the police investigation in some way, by making me seem malicious or something.

@triplehooks
'their level of self awareness of their condition (greater, mid-range, and lesser) and how that relates to whether they are “instinctively” narcissistic or “deliberate”-ly so'

As my abuser was a therapist, I believe he completely indulged his self-confessed narc traits, that he thinks the way for people to be happy is to accept themselves, including disordered traits (unless they negatively effect their life) and roll with what they want to do.  There've been no negatives (yet!) for his behaviour, so he has no reason not to act like that, as he gets a pay off.

'their sources of fuel (people...yikes!) which they see as primary (immediate family, spouses, “best” friends), secondary (friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc...people “in” their life but not super-intimately) and tertiary (cashiers at the store, lobby attendant at a hotel, folks on the metro), and how they shift people up and down through the relationship cycle'

Ooh, I hadn't realized that was part of NPD before.  My abuser would consciously do this, he kept lists of what priority he gave to people.  If he wanted some time off from some Tier 2 (he sometimes withdrew into himself, which I've heard narcs also surprisingly do if they have some stress, as of course underneath it all they can have overwhelming negative emotions.  The withdrawl and subsequently picking people up can often be part of their manipulative game too, of course) I believe he would even send a 'round robin' of an identical message to several people saying he mightn't see them for several weeks/months.  Usually he didn't stay away that long in my experience, though.

@UrbanExplorer
'people pleaser'

Yep- I think they totally 'love' us, and part of that trait is from our childhoods.

'I don't know about you, OP, but I got to the point where I was rarely sure what *I* wanted. I didn't even acknowledge when my boundaries were crossed. I just knew I had to help, rescue, and keep people happy with me.'

IDK if I ever lost track of what I wanted/didn't want, though I wouldn't want inwardly to do a lot of the stuff, but I felt unable to say so.  Looking back, even basic 'friendship' things (well aybe they weren't, maybe they were designed to help get what he wanted. One I've thought of recently is he would often try and get us to meet for long stretches, 4 hours or more.  As I have social anxiety I found this length of time uncomfortable/daunting.  I should've just said that I have social anxiety and find social interactions hard work, so would rather it was just a couple of hours or so.  Thinking about it IDK if he knew spending that long together would be hard, and was doing it in the hope that due to my not knowing what to talk about we'd end up going to have group sex or other 'sex.'

With me I was consciously aware I was helping etc in order to try and keep/intensify the friendship, that I was affraid of rejection, and possibly aware that I wanted to be seen as/feel I was a 'good person' and get approval.

' I'm now able to feel that tiny sense of what I'd call anxiety, anguish, anger, or dread when someone is on my boundary. Once I recognize it, I can take actions that protect me and are in line with what I need to live a healthy life.'

Yep, I was always aware of it but didn't act on it due to fear of upsetting people or something.  My latest thing is if I get a 'spider sense' that a bloke is sleazy, even though they haven't done anything, I block.  Have blocked about 5 in the last week.  With my bipolar I can't risk keeping potential wrong'uns around, in case they can take advantage when I get ill.  That's where I went wrong with Steve.  When he first popped up on FB he said he was 'looking for a woman to help him with a research paper into alternative sexualities.'  I thought, 'yeah, right' and knew it was sleazy bollox but for some reason didn't block, so he was around a year or two later when I got ill.

'But it's hard to disappoint someone! ...I have to be able to speak up for myself, and it's very uncomfortable.'

Yep!

'Never again.'

Yay! xxx



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