Broken
We have been working on our marriage.  My husband swears he has no feelings for the OW and could care less if he never saw her again.  There has been no contact from either one of them. How does that happen they were having an emotional affair for about five years and during the last year it became physical.  The OW actually lost her virginity to my husband.  Shortly after DDay she sent me a text of the words to a song by Usher what's a man to do.  It basically describes a man who is in love with 2 woman.  She said that's how my husband felt about her.  I find it hard to believe you can just shut off your feelings like that.  I almost wish she would call to see his reaction to her.  Is that crazy?  
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Kalmarjan
Broken wrote:
We have been working on our marriage.  My husband swears he has no feelings for the OW and could care less if he never saw her again.  There has been no contact from either one of them. How does that happen they were having an emotional affair for about five years and during the last year it became physical.  The OW actually lost her virginity to my husband.  Shortly after DDay she sent me a text of the words to a song by Usher what's a man to do.  It basically describes a man who is in love with 2 woman.  She said that's how my husband felt about her.  I find it hard to believe you can just shut off your feelings like that.  I almost wish she would call to see his reaction to her.  Is that crazy?  


Not crazy. But, you're letting yourself be manipulated by her. See, that's the game, convince your guy that he's in love with her too, so he can justify what he did or is going to do.

Now you're letting yourself feel like you have competition. But, if your man doesn't care about her then you have nothing to worry on. So, there is no competing with you.

The truth? If he were to go to her, sure... She wins. But, she wins a cheater who chose to repeat his mistake.

If he does choose her and rebukes her, then she loses.

Either way. She loses. Either way, you win.

Because if he chooses you and rebukes her, obviously you win. But, remember if he chooses her and falls back into into this... It will be knowing what he went through before... You won't be losing there.. You'll be dodging a bullet. Because you won't be duped or fooled again, right?

So, you don't want her to call. You don't want to give her any more credit than she deserves. Why stir up the pot when your guy did change and do the work?

Do you want to start up a fight to resolve another or ongoing issue?
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TimT
I do not encourage any contact between the affair partner and betrayed spouse because there are so many potential consequences, despite the fact that some people do report the encounter as a positive thing. Everybody WANTS it to bring closure, but that contact actually makes things worse for most who follow through.

With 2 exceptions... Communicating with the AP can be beneficial under either of these conditions:
  1. The BS becomes aware that the AP does not know the truth about the marriage.
  2. The affair has ended, the AP has moved on, and the marriage has either ended or has an uncertain future. Talking to the AP can provide some clarity regarding the affair but you have to keep in mind that even an AP without an agenda to keep the unfaithful partner is still going to tell the affair story from their point of view, which will not be completely accurate even if they're trying to be honest.
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Broken
Thank you. I thought about your response and my real agenda should be working on my marriage not trying to hurt the ow. I'm so consumed in my anger I can't see the goal right in front of me. My husband loves me and wants to be with me. Yes he made some bad choices but he's making good choices now. I'm so consumed in the past I'm not receiving my blessing "my family".
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Broken
How do you let go of the past and stay in the marriage without feeling like a doormat? I want to stick use for myself.
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VoodooChild
Broken, I appreciate your questions. I've wondered the same thing. How do I give myself permission to remain in a marriage where I was so badly disrespected and betrayed without consequences to my own self worth. You see, I always felt assured that I would never tolerate an affair (my husband had an emotional affair turned physical lasting about 1 year total) from my husband and thought of it as a "deal breaker." Yet it's so hard to let go. So many of my core beliefs about myself have been shattered, 1. I'm too smart to be in this position, 2. I'd kick him out immediately, 3. I wouldn't hold the other woman responsible, after all, she's not the one whose supposed to be committed to me, he is. I found out about the affair the day after thanksgiving this year and I feel so broken. So depressed. I'm scared to see the kind of anger that will come out once my anger passes because I'm very much out of control. So, like you, I'm looking for a loop hole to stay in the marriage without feeling that I've neglected to stand up for myself and insist on the respect that I deserve.
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TimT
It's not uncommon for betrayed spouses to react differently than they always expected. Sometimes it is because of fear or weakness, but often it is not. It will likely take a bit of time for emotions to settle enough for a confident choice to be made. I'll upload chapter 1 again because I think it fits this discussion...
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