Broken
It's been 8 months since dday. We have been working very hard to restore our marriage. There has been no contact since discovery but they work at the same place. I know it sounds crazy but I have this desire for him to proclaim his love for me in front of her and me. I know what you are thinking she does not define our relationship and the fact that he chose to be with me should be enough. For me it's about respect and willingness to express his devotion to me. This woman had no respect for me or our marriage and I want HIM to fix it.
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Kalmarjan
Broken wrote:
It's been 8 months since dday. We have been working very hard to restore our marriage. There has been no contact since discovery but they work at the same place. I know it sounds crazy but I have this desire for him to proclaim his love for me in front of her and me. I know what you are thinking she does not define our relationship and the fact that he chose to be with me should be enough. For me it's about respect and willingness to express his devotion to me. This woman had no respect for me or our marriage and I want HIM to fix it.


It doesn't sound silly at all. In fact, why are they still both working at the same place? If it were me, and I didn't want to leave my job, I'd make it uncomfortable for her to stay. Either way, one of us would have to go.
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Anna26
Broken wrote:
It's been 8 months since dday. We have been working very hard to restore our marriage. There has been no contact since discovery but they work at the same place. I know it sounds crazy but I have this desire for him to proclaim his love for me in front of her and me. I know what you are thinking she does not define our relationship and the fact that he chose to be with me should be enough. For me it's about respect and willingness to express his devotion to me. This woman had no respect for me or our marriage and I want HIM to fix it.


Year for me since Dday and still no commitment from my ws, but if he had made a decision to be with me it would make me feel a whole lot better if I knew that he refused to even speak to her, and just blanked her completely in front of me. Or the atmosphere was so difficult at work (yes, they work at the same place too) that she simply had to leave.
I don't see why he should leave as we still have a mortgage to pay, and I don't believe she does. It may sound very vindictive of me saying this but sometimes I feel very unforgiving particularly in the light of there being no movement towards a resolution of any description. Maybe one day I will be able to let this go and move on with or without my ws, until then I'm just making what I can from a difficult situation.
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TimT
Broken wrote:
...There has been no contact since discovery but they work at the same place. I know it sounds crazy but I have this desire for him to proclaim his love for me in front of her and me...

That's a very reasonable (and normal) desire. You can even express it to him, but I would be cautious about insisting on a response like that because there are too many unknown variables. An unfaithful partner's reluctance to proclaim love (depending on what type of declaration it is) may be motivated by something other than trying to protect the affair partner, especially in a work environment.

In some cases, such actions can be like poking a stick into a hornets nets. If there is ANY chance of stirring up the AP, don't do it. You don't need that grief. Whatever satisfaction you may feel in the moment of showing that you finally ended up with him might be ruined by a new round of her intrusion into your lives. It's not worth it.

One thing I encourage couples to consider, if the betrayed spouse is able to visit the workplace, is simply show themselves openly together. This does not need to be "in your face" confrontational, but any demonstration that you are a team (eating lunch together, etc) might be a good thing.

And I agree with Kal... still working together? Any way of moving toward a change in the scenario? You are never going to be comfortable with that.
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Broken
We've discussed changing jobs and he is willing to do whatever it takes. Unfortunately This this will add a financial burden as well as jeopardize his future pension. I'm hoping she will leave.
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Anna26
Broken wrote:
We've discussed changing jobs and he is willing to do whatever it takes. Unfortunately This this will add a financial burden as well as jeopardize his future pension. I'm hoping she will leave.


Exactly, Broken.  It would be extremely difficult for us financially too, for him to change jobs (if he could) and I don't know which would be worse, worrying about keeping a roof over our heads or worrying about things keeping going between them.  Seems like a no brainer, stay put, and at least you don't have additional financial worry.  It would be best if she would leave but it seems like I'm stuck with that arrangement.
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AHmember113
Personally I don't believe I could ever accept my spouse being in any type of proximity to the AP. Even now, 18 months post d-day, one major factor in my healing is no contact or no sight at all. I also believe it is imperative for the Ws. At first we saw her weekly and it was very very detrimental and kept ripping the wound open every time sending me backward. Once that was handled things began to move forward. Not easily, but forward. I would encourage your husband to find a solution even if it takes a long time. I believe it would help your healing. Also, I wanted the same declaration to her by my spouse and got it early on a couple of times but you know what? I always felt she thought he wasn't.being truthful and was just doing it to keep his security and family. So, even though it did bring some satisfaction, it wasn't to the extent I'd hoped. The triangle the Ws created is truly a tangled web very difficult to get free of in mind and spirit.
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Kalmarjan
I have to agree with the NC part. I pray I never hear from my AP again. I'm not afraid of her, or of sliding back into that fantasy, but I sure spend as much time as needed to remember that I have learned something from this whole ordeal, but I sure don't want to pick at that perverbial scar any more than I have to.
I am now getting to the point where I don't even have a stray thought about my AP for weeks. I mean, it's like she doesn't exist. Maybe I have learned a hard lesson, and I've changed myself and by my stupid actions, I've changed my wife... But I don't want to give my AP any more of me, even if it's my distaste. I literally want it like I never met her, and never will.

That's why I don't understand why your husband won't change jobs. Like, yesterday.

All the excuses are there. The one that floors me is that he thinks his work will suffer, or perhaps hers will. Like it hasn't already. He had an affair with a coworker. (I'm assuming she's not subordinate) He cannot go back to a professional level, because the relationship wasn't healthy to begin with.

So, every day he has to rip that bandaid off the wound. He sees her every day... That's contact. How can he get out of the fog of he keeps putting his head back in there?
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Broken
Well here's the latest. We have been working hard at rebuilding our relationship. I've even been able to deal with the fact that they work at the same place. They work in 2 different buildings so they rarely see each other. She is also a musician. She decided to release a song which describes the undeniable attraction of a forbidden relationship. Clearly about my husband. Now she's putting it out there to the world. I am humiliated and disgusted. I found out she was performing at a lounge. I was tempted to go but decided against it. I didn't want to give her power. My mind tells me who cares what she's doing my husband wants me but my heart tells me something different. First the fact that my husband was her first sexual experience and now she is professing her love through her music is sick. I almost want to give up.
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