astar1007
So d-day was Oct 14th.  This day, a distant friend told me of the relationship my husband was having with OW.  This day, he confessed to a one night stand.  He came home immediately, and just fought with me.  That I just was accusing him of being a cheater our entire relationship (12 years - married 4).  We were already separated at this point, with the understanding to not get involved with another person, but to work on our marriage and get to a better place within ourselves.
One week later, we was going to FL for a softball tournament - with his co-ed team.  She was on it.  They flew together, separate from the team.  He promised me it was only because everyone else decided on a different flight last minute- yea ok, right.   That day, I got a message from HER husband.  He had to tell me the truth.  The cold hard horrible truth.  We spoke for hours.  My husband had been having an affair since Late July/early August.  I was devastated. I messaged husband frantically about it.  He ignored me for the entire week while he was gone.  I filed divorce papers.
Fast forward details:  he has 'broken it off' with her 3 times since then, to come back to me, but then to only need to fix himself instead.  Every time I found out he was back with her, he would break it off, and apologize frantically.  Promised me it was I who he loved, not her, never her.  In between this time, her and I have communicated.  Every time he broke it off, she felt the need to message me every detail of their last fling, and everything before from the day they me.  I found out he has been cheating on my (sexting) since Dec. 2014.
I finally told him, I am done.  I can't talk to him, be near him with the exception of our son, etc.  He ended things with her for good on Dec. 20th, and is still not communicating with her as far as I know-which is a longer time than before.  However, more detail, more hurt and pain.  I caught him sexting another girl one day after we spent the night together.  He told her he cannot talk to her anymore because he needed to work on his marriage.  Oh, and he is hanging out with his Ex who I hate just as much as OW for reasons from 12 years ago.  Why after 12 years he needs to be hanging out with her? I don't know.
I have told him, if he wants to be friends with her, or any other girl I dislike, he can just leave me alone.  I don't want to be his friend, or 'best friend' that he still claims he needs me to be.
I believe he is a true narcissist, and I never noticed.  Ever time we fight now, he is verbally abusive.  But then says I am the best thing in his life and he loves me, but can't let me 'control' him right now.

I am at my breaking point.  How did I ever let it get this far?  Why did I let him talk me into letting him back in over and over, only to watch him leave again?  I am now used to being alone, sleeping alone, raising our son by myself for the most part.  I just can't get the courage to finish the divorce.  I am holding on to the man I knew.  The one that loved me and would do anything for me.  I hate the person he is now.  But I can't help to think the man I love so much is in there somewhere.  

I read stories of women who's husbands have tried to fix their marriages right away after d-day and they are still struggling with the pain years later.  My husband isn't even trying right now, but if he did, I honestly don't know if I can deal with this for years, trying to forgive, trying to heal.  Some days, I feel like not being on Earth anymore is the only way to relieve the pain.  My son is my strength in this mess.  I just don't know what to do though.  My self worth, my self esteem...gone.  I am working hard to get it back and make myself happy... I am stuck though.  

What can I do?  Do I give him more time, but keep boundaries?  Do I just say screw this, someone out there will treat me much better?  I feel so lost.



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Anna26
I know how you feel.  And I feel your pain.  It's hard to believe there are so many of us in a very similar situation here.
My own situation is that my Dday was back in Oct 2014.  I actually suspected beforehand but made certain first, before I brought it up.  He continued seeing her from our own home, whilst I just carried on doing everything for him as normal.  Eventually I'd had enough and gave him an ultimatum, stop seeing her or move out.  So he moved out in March 15 and he's been there ever since.
I'm not sure if it is still going on between them, I like to think not.  She never did make up her mind who she wanted properly and just stayed with her husband.  I think mine, at first, was hanging on to some kind of forlorn hope that she would leave her husband though and waited and waited.  But the longer it's gone on, the more he feels ashamed and uncertain of returning to the marriage. I think he feels too sorry for himself to ever feel truly sorry for the pain he has put me through. And I think he feels he doesn't deserve to return    And I'm not pushing him because he has to decide to do this for the right reasons.  I don't know that he ever will.

In the meantime I've been working on myself, trying to help myself heal and be strong, in the way he should have been helping me to.  But it's hard because the more time passes, the more I get used to being on my own anyway.  Half the time I really miss him especially when I think of how kind and loving he can be, and the other half of the time, I just think I'm better cutting my losses.

I think you are right about the time thing, and boundaries are definitely a good idea.  It's very easy to let someone in again because in one way we are so desperate to be able to trust them, and thats how they are able to hurt us over and over.  I still feel the pain every time I find something else out, I get lulled into a false sense of security and then my hopes get dashed once more.
Concentrate on you and your son, he is the one who deserves most of your attention at the moment.  Let your husband sort his own problems out, he made them, not you.  He's big enough to get himself out of the mess he's made, that's what I think about mine anyway.  By focusing on you, you will become strong enough to face whatever life holds for you in the future, with or without him.  With luck your husband will come to his senses and realise how stupid he has been.  If you still want him then, well, that's your decision.  And your prerogative. 
The ball is in your court, truly, so throw it well, and see if he will return it.
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nec
You could have been talking about me. My scenario was very similar. I finally asked myself if being alone would be less painful. For me the answer was yes, and I pushed him uphill every step of the way to divorce. He said he felt like he was being forced to sign. This was after three years with a new girlfriend. Crazy. Anyway, I dated for a while but decided not to and haven't for quite a while. Instead I started to figure out what I wanted to do. I have begun making art and selling it and have been to some amazing places and have more planned. In essence I decided to really live my own life. After a very long marriage it is not always easy, but it is much much better than the constant pain he was dragging me through.
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