Well, I think you are talking about different kinds of love. Romantic love is generally only between two people. I've thought about this a lot actually.
There are 3 different types of love in marriage.
First there is a very basic sexual need sort of love. This is primitive. Even lizards do it.
Then there is romantic love. This is the powerful love that occurs in a different part of the brain. Oxytocin and dopamine are released and are powerful as we all know. In fact, these chemicals are addictive. Some people are more affected by these chemicals than others.
We know that people that have problems with drug addiction often have had things happen to them during childhood change the chemistry of the brain. For instance, women who were sexually abused as a child are more likely to be drug abusers. Something happens to the brain chemistry. For men, young boys exposed to violence at a young age are more likely to abuse drugs. There is just something about how these chemicals work in the brain.
I know my WS has something that makes him prone to addiction. I think that is probably one thing that made him so influenced by the feelings of romantic love that he had for the AP.
The last kind of love is attachment love. This comes from a higher center of the brain. This is probably the love that a WS feels while they are having the romantic love feeling for the AP. This is how there can be confusion for the WS. They probably feel two different kinds of love for two different people.
Unfortunately, too much attachment love tends to kill romantic love.
The big question is how do you keep balance in all three?
I've become a big believer of lots of touch and sex in order to bring back the feelings of romantic love between my WS and I. Things we did when we first met without thinking about, we now do intentionally.
Stimulating the production of oxytocin and dopamine can be done. Things get more powerful as you continue. Sort of like tricking the brain.