Brandi
My ws is doing everything he should be doing to make me feel better. However I am so hot and cold towards him. Somedays everything is fine and somedays I yell, scream and throw things. He tells me often that I need to make a choice and to chose love and him and to focus on the future and not the past. But some days I find it too hard. I am in so much pain and have so much anger. I cant get the pictures of the two of them out of my head. I cant get my hatred for her to go away. We are in marriage counseling and so far seems to be helping but I feel mad as hell that she can ruin my marriage (yes with help) and turn my life upside down and have no consquences to pay.
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Anna26
I think that's a fairly normal reaction for most BS's.  For a long time I swung between between being calm and rational and then weepy and sorry for myself.  And he's not even living with me right now, but if he were I could see that him actually being there could cause a certain degree of friction anyway just because his presence was a reminder!  
And there are still plenty of times when I think how unfair it is that she seems to have got away with it, her kids don't know so aren't upset like mine, she still lives at home with her husband, while I am on my own.
Maybe the AP has to deal with more consequences than we know, it just seems that they don't, but we don't really know.  Maybe it's just because they are not dealing with the consequences we would LIKE them to deal with!
Things will improve for you given time, one day you will realise that you haven't had an angry outburst for a while, in the meantime keep talking and keep trying...
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Guiltguilt
If he wants the marriage, he'll put up with any mood swings. I see my wife's pain and know that some days are up, some days are down. Some days it's three steps forward, others it's three backward. These are some of the consequences of what I did.
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Brandi
Just now we got into a fight about my lack of trust in him. We are almost 4 months past dday and in those 4 months he was lying for 3.5 months. Even while trying to rebuild our marriage he was still talking to her for a good part of that time. He has started checking my phone and facebook messages but I cant check his anymore and I know he has deleted some messages. So he says that since I'm not choosing to trust or choosing him that he should just leave. I asked him if he was checking my stuff for a reason because I have never done anything to make him doubt me or not trust me.
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TimT
Brandi wrote:
...He has started checking my phone and facebook messages but I cant check his anymore and I know he has deleted some messages. So he says that since I'm not choosing to trust or choosing him that he should just leave. I asked him if he was checking my stuff for a reason because I have never done anything to make him doubt me or not trust me.

Are you afraid to let him go? If he is not committed to earning your trust back again (instead of defending his right to privacy, or whatever), then why are you trying to do his work for him? Take back the control of your own life and don't welcome him back in until he demonstrates his willingness to take responsibility for healing the wound he created.
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Brandi
Well I did do some stupid stuff. I logged into his facebook and posted about how he loved single life so he changed the password. He does however always have a reason and that reason is always my fault. But that is just how our relationship "works" We will be discussing that in our next mc session. I hope. I'm not sure if I get to bring up topics or not?
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Kalmarjan
Brandi - MC is for BOTH of you. Speak up. You are paying for it after all. I am not a councillor, but I went through MC, and I asked to have an individual session with the MC so I could get some things off my chest. It seemed to work.

But, again, you are in charge of your recovery, don't wait on him. If you need to say something and get it open and out there.... Speak up.

From my understanding, MC is for seeing if you can coexist as a married couple, and to help you learn to communicate. It's not for "fixing" anything, that work is up to you guys.

If he is taking control, then that isn't working for you... Be a badass.... SPEAK UP.
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Kalmarjan
Another thing. There seems to be an issue with control. For example, you posted that he changed his passwords to social media but demands to see yours. Well, play by the rules. Change yours too. Allowing him to call the shots gets no one anywhere here.

The onus is on HIM to prove to you that he is trustworthy. If he cannot do it, then let him know that you are assuming he is lying by omission. He has demonstrated a fundamental lack of integrity by cheating, and has failed to gain your trust.

This is a major boundary. If he insists on keeping passwords from you, denying you seeing his social media (and demanding yours) then it's a good time to bring this up in MC... And lay it out.

It's time he realizes a relationship is two ways. In his case he needs to regain your trust. Remind him that's impossible if he remains secretive. If he tries to control the situation by telling you that you have to give up your passwords and let him into your social media... That's fine, but doesn't absolve him of you looking through his.

I don't blame you for doing what you did on his FB, but then again, it didn't help, right? But, again, remember you are the one calling the shots for right now. He stands to lose a lot more here...

Remember, you are the badass here...




So, that's the head fake right there. One he hopes you'll never realize.

He stands to lose YOU. Not the other way around.

He already lost you when he chose to mess around with another woman. Now he needs to man up and fix this sh+t. Not the other way around.

Otherwise, he loses you. And, honestly? You have a lot more to offer than a man who is a proven liar, cheat, and all around "great guy."
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Brandi
Oh even his grandma calls him a jerk. In a nice southern old lady way. But I will be talking about this tonight in our session. A few days after the final dday and he wasnt living at home and still talking to his ap his best friend (a woman) text him and said she saw we were divorcing and he said that it was a little early for that. Its like he assumes I will forgive him and all will be okay. I am so far from okay. Last week it was my fault he drinks. It used to be the daily drinking was because of guilt. Now its my fault for being hot and cold. (his ap is threatening to sue us because some info was posted on a homewrecker site)
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Kalmarjan
Wow. It sounds like he is still in full contact. Perhaps at your session you can call him out on his bull. Things perhaps like:

Drinking is my fault? Hardly. Man up and look at yourself.
Why are you worried about the AP, and whether she is going to sue? She is supposed to be out of our lives.
Who are you to call the shots here? I get to decide whether we continue. Not the other way around.
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Brandi
I told him that if she sued us i would counter sue her for intetnional infliction of emotional distress and he goes 'with what money?' and the site she is called out on has nothing but the truth listed so how can we be sued for libel/slander when its true? Does it hurt to see/read the truth about yourself-probably. We will have a lot to talk about in tonights session. I am no longer a doormat. I am not scared to lose him. I am picking me. I am doing steps to make myself happy/healthy/well adjusted and he can come along or not I dont really care.
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Brandi
Also-he blocked her number from his phone so unless she emails him (and who cant easily create a new email) or is contacting him on another number that I dont yet know about I dont think he is in contact with her.
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Kalmarjan
That's right Brandi. Bottom line, if he is all in, why does he care a whit about her. Her threats are empty, and frivolous. He needs to give up any feeling for her. No contact. Period.

His focus needs to be on you, and you guys as a team. The rest is just getting in the way.
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Brandi
I am not sure that I love him anymore. I dont know the last time I actually felt 'in love' with him. I'm not sure if its a coping stragegy from trying to recover or if its that I really don't love him anymore.
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